It was Anticlimactic and Then It was Anarchic
by YAXON
Summary: The Fourth Shinobi World War is brought to a sharp, abrupt end when Minato thinks quickly on his feet. Though admittedly it wouldn't have been possible if his male students hadn't had a certain fear of a fiery redheaded mistress... Kushina Revival. Crackfic. Originally a two-shot - everything after the first two chapters is bonus material and can be disregarded if you wish.
1. Chapter 1

Even the smallest of actions can change the course of an entire battle. The Shinobi Alliance had proven that when they banded together to extract the Tailed Beasts from Obito Uchiha, every single man and woman making a contribution. And in one timeline, Madara Uchiha had been resurrected at the last second because of Black Zetsu's interference.

Of course, Madara had planned for it to happen that way all along, being the crafty zombie he was. With Obito weakened, Project Tsukuyomi could _truly_ be underway. Black Zetsu just had to get in position…

"Time to switch places! It's now my turn to attack!" Madara triumphantly declared to the Shinobi Alliance pinning him down. Well… specifically Hashirama was pinning him down. But that was neither here nor there.

"Stop acting tough!" Hashirama replied. "This war is over!"

Sai and Naruto hopped down from Sai's bird construct; the artist unfurled his huge Sealing scroll and began to draw furtively.

"Sai!"

"I know!" Sai then made the required hand sign and animated the tiger that he had just drawn. The beast continued stretching from the scroll as it lunged toward Madara, roaring ferociously as it did so.

Madara was not nervous in the least.

"Naruto… I'm grateful to you." Madara taunted the teenager. "You even extracted the Tailed Beasts from Obito… saving me the trouble of weakening him."

Naruto scowled at the reanimated legend, not liking what this implied. Unbeknownst to him and the rest of the Shinobi Alliance, Black Zetsu was now in position, and would be forcing Obito to use the Rinne Tensei…

Any second now.

Across the battlefield, Kakashi and Minato moved to strike the viscous _thing_ that was slowly oozing onto Obito, their former comrade. Their friend. Kakashi attempted to Kamui Black Zetsu, but his reserves were running low and he couldn't manage it fast enough. Minato's method would be… unorthodox to say the least.

Minato was far from being slow on the uptake. He knew exactly what was going on the second Black Zetsu started taunting Obito, if only because he deduced that the Rinne Tensei was a technique that required the user give up his life. With Black Zetsu's taunts, however, an even deeper understanding was reached.

Rinne Tensei brought the dead back to life. That was the only explanation. And it likely took a whole lot of concentration on the person or people that the user wanted to bring back to life. And so like the quick thinker Minato was, he formulated a strategy that would throw a wrench into Madara's plans. It would be highly risky if he failed, but Minato had faith in his wayward student.

His Flying Thunder God seal would never disappear from Obito's body. But there was one _other_ thing that would never go away… an almost irrational fear that was instilled into him a looong time ago. Minato had made damn sure of that when little Kakashi had made an offhanded sexist comment one day after training. His male students were never the same after that day…

"Sorry, Obito… This is the reason I was stuck to you…" Black Zetsu cackled gleefully. Ah, there was the cue Minato was waiting for. Without hesitation, Minato enacted his foolhardy plan.

"Hey, Obito! What do you think Kushina's gonna do when you die, hmm?" Minato asked with a disarming smile. A simple enough query that probably wouldn't work on just anyone… Not with Black Zetsu's ironclad control. But Obito had been his student. And Minato's male students had developed an acute Kushina-phobia while under his tutelage.

Long story short: Kakashi made that sexist comment during a time when Kushina was on her period. And because Minato hadn't elaborated whether it was Obito or Kakashi that made the comment… well, both boys had been deterred from making such comments for a looong time. And likely would for all eternity.

Minato had not been disappointed by Obito's reaction.

"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!" Obito screeched as the fiery redhead's enraged silhouette replaced Madara's visage in his mind. Obito's eyes bugged out of his head comically as the image would just not leave his mind. Truly, nothing was more horrifying than an enraged Kushina Uzumaki…

"Rinne Tensei no Jutsu!" Black Zetsu called out the name of the Jutsu, barely registering the fact that its interference had been… interfered with… "Damn you Namikaze…"

Minato smirked as the creature emitted a low growl of frustration. Seemed he hit the nail on the head, as always.

Quite a few things happened after that declaration. Firstly, with the last second interference, Madara's resurrection failed spectacularly. Madara unleashed a righteous roar of frustration, and was finally sealed away in a scroll by Sai. With Hashirama's technique preventing him from overpowering the Sealing Jutsu, the former Uchiha Clan Head didn't stand a chance.

Secondly, Kakashi's delayed Kamui somehow managed to pry Black Zetsu off of Obito. It probably helped that the ancient being had been so focused on resurrecting Madara. With an otherworldly shriek, Black Zetsu spiraled into the dimensional hole generated by Kakashi's Mangekyo, never to be seen again. Minato beamed proudly at his other student's performance; even though he hadn't _planned_ for their attacks to coordinate, it still helped immensely dealing with one of the last of Madara's minions.

It wouldn't be realized until much later that a third thing had miraculously taken place. Something that probably shouldn't happen given Rinne Tensei's not-so-apparent limitations, but who cares? It happened. Tons of shinobi techniques tended to defy the laws of nature anyway.

But that's getting ahead of the story a bit. With Madara's sealing and the interdimensional disposal of Black Zetsu, the Shinobi Alliance had _won_. The Fourth Shinobi World War was officially over.

Unofficially, there were still a few White Zetsu around, but with Naruto and Kurama's special sensory technique, they were all weeded out and eliminated. The Third Hokage had even managed to take care of that Spiral Zetsu weirdo and free Tenzo – er, Yamato. The Rinnegan that one White Zetsu had stolen was recovered and promptly destroyed. And Obito's Rinnegan had been taken care of as well once they had all regrouped, but that's neither here nor there. No one wanted to wage _another_ war over a pretty pair of eyes.

Even if they could undo practically every death since the Clan War Era…

No one wanted to deal with the overpopulation fallout, though. So everyone simply allowed Sasuke to burn the damn things with Amaterasu. Good riddance.

Sasuke was the last problem to deal with, but honestly, with the whole Shinobi Alliance ganging up on him and no Super Sage Powers, he grudgingly conceded that Naruto might have had an effect on him with his Therapy no Jutsu, and that was the abrupt end of that. Though he did have to face prison time for the crimes he did commit as a missing-nin. Buuut prison time was restricted to the minimum amount thanks to Naruto's insistence that Sasuke had finally seen the error of his ways.

They'd all just have to see how long that lasted. The track record for sane Uchiha was not good. Not good at all.

It was as everyone was headed back to the Hidden Leaf Village in order to throw Naruto a hasty birthday bash that a thought struck Kakashi, and he turned to Minato-sensei, who had Obito draped over his shoulders. Obito would be standing trial as well, once everything settled down. But at this point, the formerly insane Uchiha was ready to just roll over and die.

Not that Kakashi or Minato would allow it. They wanted Obito to live a long, relatively happy life and to atone for his crimes. Instead of taking the easy way out.

"Sensei. That technique that Obito used…" Kakashi began.

Minato shot Kakashi a reassuring grin.

"Don't worry about it, Kakashi! I'm sure that Rinne Tensei can't resurrect just anyone. I mean, it probably takes a Chakra Signature and an available body for the spirit to inhabit. You guys probably cremated Kushina… right?"

Kakashi began to sweat a little at this point. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Ha… ha… right."

Kakashi valiantly steered the topic to something else. Even if Rinne Tensei _did_ take a Chakra Signature as well and reduced the likelihood of _her_ return…

 _'No, no… Best not think about it. I'm worrying for nothing. Kushina's Chakra has been gone a long, long time. For seventeen years now. There's no way she'll return. Even if that would make Naruto really happy…'_ Nodding emphatically, Kakashi hastened his pace and went to congratulate Naruto, who was being carried joyfully by his closest friends and acquaintances. Even if Minato-sensei and the other Hokage would be leaving this realm in a few short hours, everything was still right with the world.

A bright future lay ahead of them all.

* * *

 _\- Hidden Leaf Cemetery… -_

A fist punched through the grass in front of a grave marker. With just a little difficulty, a young redheaded woman pulled herself out of the grave and dusted herself off. She coughed slightly and narrowed her violet eyes as she took in her surroundings.

"Why am I alive… again? What the hell happened, y'know? And where the hell is my baby boy?"

That settled it. All other matters could wait. Once her mind envisioned Naruto's teenage face, Kushina's motherly instincts kicked in and she set out like a blood hound. Nothing would get in Kushina Uzumaki's way – not even bewildered shinobi that had remained in the Leaf Village to protect it.

Kushina and her son had _a lot_ of catching up to do, after all…

 **Author's Note:**

 **I'm sorry. This just had to be done. _Had to_. XD**

 **And that's about it for this one. I think I'm getting the hang of this crackfic thing; this one just flowed onto the paper. Haha. I know it's short, but I hope you enjoyed. There are no immediate plans to continue this, even though Kushina's one of my favorite characters… I wrote this with her in mind, but I kind of got carried away.** _ **Maybe**_ **I'll add one more chapter with more Kushina involvement, but that all depends on how you guys like this... and on my muse. My muse can be a fickle thing…**

 **I'll probably be going back to writing TToNU after this, though. My muse was just in a playful mood tonight.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two – Now with 99% more Kushina!**

Minato dumbly looked down at his two hands. That's right. _Two_.

It all started when Naruto and company made their triumphant return to the Leaf Village. For the Shinobi Alliance it did, anyway. Kushina, on the other hand… She'd been busy. And no, not in the kinky way. Get that out of your head, damn it; Kushina is happily married. What's wrong with you?

Ahem. Kushina had been a very busy woman. With no sign of Naruto in the village, Kushina had been intent on leaving the village to go searching for her adorable baby boy, but had been stopped by the Council. Koharu and Homura – the two crabby elders that everyone hates on for associating with Danzo, but had actually sided with Hiruzen and even Tsunade on many issues.

At the time, they were the most capable shinobi in the village. Old age and Kushina's spontaneous revival did not hinder their efforts to contain her until they could verify her identity and determine what-the-fuck-was-going-on. Indeed, after experiencing firsthand the destruction of their beloved village by a reanimated corpse and hearing secondhand accounts of a madman appearing at the first Kage Summit in decades that declared war on the five elemental nations for the sake of retrieving two Tailed Beasts to project some Sharingan technique on the moon, nothing really shell-shocked Hiruzen's old teammates anymore.

What did hinder their efforts was the fact that one did not simply imprison Kushina Uzumaki without her express permission. She had long since ceased being the little girl that Hidden Cloud shinobi kidnapped; any shinobi old enough to remember Kushina could attest to this. Attest to it and then camp out in the Hidden Leaf's emergency bunkers at the sheer memory of the terrifying woman, that is.

Nay, nothing could restrain a concerned mother dead set on a vital mission. Not even the "voice of reason." One did not simply try to _reason_ with Kushina Uzumaki when it came to the matter of her loved ones. The last one that tried, well… It had been back in the Third Shinobi World War. It wasn't pretty, and no one could find the remains, much less remember what's-his-name.

Kami rest his soul.

But that had just been the start. After tearing through her interrogation cell like tissue paper – yes, the one with titanium bars and specialized seals to suppress a person's Chakra, _that_ interrogation cell – Kushina had made her demands quite clear, and proven her identity to Homura and Koharu in the process.

Let it not be said that the Councilors ran away with their tails between their legs, however. Unlike their middle-aged subordinates, who had flocked to the emergency bunkers like there was a plague in town. No, they had plenty of experience with an irate Mito Uzumaki. _That_ had been quite the experience. Kushina's Killing Intent was like a drop in the bucket compared to Mito's, even though Kushina's was nothing to sneeze at.

No, no, no, Homura and Koharu were shinobi. Well aged shinobi, but cunning shinobi all the same. Kushina's nonsensical return had severely, if unintentionally, gutted their village's remaining defenses. It was only fair to make the woman clean up her own mess by replacing those that she scared the shit out of. They couldn't say that outright, of course – nothing pleasant lied down that road. No, like true shinobi, the Councilors lied their asses off and _stalled_. Naruto was off on a high ranking mission – not a lie; his 'mission' had been S-ranked by Tsunade – and would be back soon. Okay, they were being optimistic with that part, what with the war seemingly being in full swing, but they needed Kushina to calm down, and to stay within the village walls.

A bunch of Genin wouldn't be able to sufficiently protect the village. Kami knew how long the Chunin and Jonin would hole themselves up in those emergency shelters…

And she needed to stay clueless, because nothing good would come of Kushina realizing a war was going on. That was where the second installment of Homura and Koharu's decidedly _evil_ plan came into play. While it was true that the people of the Hidden Leaf had undergone a drastic attitude adjustment when Naruto beat Pain, they _still_ treated him like the village pariah prior to that time. Homura and Koharu had not been a part of that at all, knowing exactly what lied down that road. No, the Councilors kept a meticulous record of every infraction against Naruto _just_ on the off-chance that one of Naruto's parents came back from the dead.

Let it not be said that the old fogeys hated the boy. No. They were too damn paranoid to bother with that. The people dug their own grave by mistreating the boy at all. They, along with Danzo before he kicked the bucket, had tried to convince Hiruzen to _at least_ make Naruto's mother public knowledge, but the Third Hokage wouldn't hear a word of it, virtuously believing in the people and that Naruto would be better protected by keeping his parentage a secret.

And Hiruzen thought _they_ were the ones that needed counseling. Homura and Koharu warnedhim that this might happen. But nooo. Now they were forced to hand a very dangerous list to a _very_ dangerous woman, just to stay within her good graces and keep her in the village long enough to come up with another strategy to sneakily detain her.

She wouldn't level the village like Pain had… probably. Kushina and Mikoto _had_ been best friends before the latter was executed for supporting treason. Plus, Kushina was a kunoichi. Property damage was expected no matter what at this point. Still. This was the lesser of two evils. Kushina would find out about these infractions one way or another… best to just get it out of the way now and hope the village would still be standing come morning.

"… Well… We still have a shopping district. Barely." Homura grumbled as he and Koharu surveyed the widespread destruction wrought in Kushina's wake. The sun was just beginning to rise, making the devastation even easier to see. "… And a few food stalls are still salvageable. Ichiraku and Yakiniku Q are the best off... We're going to need a new Academy, however… and Tenzo will need to repair over half of the civilian homes. Oh, and we will need to process Naruto's change of residence as quickly as possible, or Kushina will hold us accountable. Thank Kami she didn't see fit to level that entire apartment complex he's currently residing in…"

"Kushina was merciful," Koharu nodded sagely. "Thank goodness she realized her son has been treated as a hero for the past year… And don't forget to announce Naruto's promotion to Chunin. She'll wring us dry if we hold off on his promotion any longer…"

Homura massaged his temple and shook his head. How in the world was he going to make such an announcement when now even the Genin and civilians were in a state of panic and flocking to the emergency shelters?

"Was it really necessary to report even the most _minor_ infractions? Most of this probably could have been avoided if you hadn't pointed out the every single glare he received over the years."

Koharu sniffed haughtily.

"Our meticulousness showed how greatly we cared for the boy. It's not _our_ fault if the people couldn't look past the demon within. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it partake."

Homura grumbled and went off to get the necessary paperwork for Naruto's new home – a three story house that _had_ been reserved for the Hokage, which had been constructed shortly before everyone set out to battle the Akatsuki. If anyone had a problem with it, he would be directing them toward Kushina. He was too old for this crap…

It was around this time that shinobi of various nationalities began to filter into the Hidden Leaf Village. It wouldn't be until about mid-morning that every shinobi of the Alliance that wanted to come celebrate Naruto's birthday managed to cram into the village. All the others returned to their villages to check up on their situations. Even the Tailed Beasts came to celebrate – albeit outside the village walls, where they wouldn't endanger civilians.

Though there was still the peculiar destruction throughout the village that was present when they arrived; Hidden Leaf shinobi were naturally the most concerned and investigative. Some speculated that maybe a Tailed Beast Bomb had been errantly fired this direction, but the more observant shinobi pointed out this was way too 'organized,' and there was absolutely no sign of the Genin, Chunin, and Jonin that were left behind to guard the village, much less the civilians they had been sworn to protect.

An enemy attack, maybe?!

The Yin half of Kurama couldn't help but chuckle somewhat as he felt a familiar Chakra presence in the village.

"Hey, Minato… Switch your Chakra to Sensory Mode! That's one hell of a surprise."

Minato quirked an eyebrow at the Tailed Beast within him, believing they needed to get to the bottom of the devastation before them, but did as instructed. A fraction of a second later, his eyes widened and he stopped walking alongside Kakashi.

"It can't be…"

Kakashi turned to look back at Minato-sensei in confusion.

"What is it, Sensei?"

Minato offered a small smile and gently transferred Obito to Kakashi, who still looked perplexed even with the mask on.

"I've… got to check something out. You, um… You keep an eye on Obito. Sensei has to do… Sensei things."

And with that, the Yellow Flash was gone in a, well, flash. He had been able to tell that Kakashi was lying about cremating Kushina's body, but he hadn't dared to hope that she had been brought back to life. Seriously, had some of her Chakra still been hovering around?

… It _was_ potent stuff, especially when she had to blow off some steam. It really wouldn't have surprised Minato in the least. It wasn't on the same level as, say, a Tailed Beast's Chakra, but Kushina was an Uzumaki, so…

Anyway, Minato had used the Flying Thunder God to reach Kushina's position. What? You didn't think that Minato had placed a Flying Thunder God seal on his wife? That's rich. He didn't get to be Hokage by being lucky. After that masked man – Obito - ripped the Nine-Tails from his wife's belly, he had made sure to tag her just in case.

He never imagined he'd be making use of that tag…

"Kushina!" Minato grinned and leaped back immediately to avoid getting slugged by… a couch? Minato blinked owlishly as he took in Kushina's ragged, but ultimately satisfied if not a bit agitated, appearance. What the hell was she swinging a couch outside for? Who even did that? … Never mind. He tried again, "Kushina?"

Kushina stopped herself from swinging the couch again and really took a look at the person that had dared to rather suddenly (and suicidally) appear behind her. She rubbed the back of her head and grinned sheepishly.

"Minato! I thought the Shinigami kept your soul after you…" Kushina trailed off as she opened her eyes again and stared at the missing appendage on Minato's person. Her eyes narrowed immediately. "And what happened to your arm?!"

Minato looked to his missing right arm – not even a stump was left. He returned a sheepish grin back at her.

"Ehe… That's a bit of a long story. I'll…"

"And your eyes!" Kushina exclaimed and began poking Minato's body experimentally. In Chibi form. "Why are your irises black? Why aren't you bleeding? Why do I sense that the Nine-Tails is in you? Where's Naruto?"

Each question was punctuated with Kushina moving on and poking a different body part. Minato hadn't seen Kushina so keenly interested in something in a long time. Eventually he gently set her aside and tried to placate her as she became normal sized again.

"I promise I'll explain everything," Minato assured her. "But first you have some explaining to do… I get that you were revived, and I even know the how behind that… But why does the village look like it was wrecked by the Hidden Stone's Explosion Corps, and how can I phrase this to Tsunade so she doesn't go binge drinking and foisting the hat off to me?"

Kushina's grumpy countenance was temporarily broken up by the revelation that Tsunade was the current Hokage.

"Oh yeah! Her face is next to yours on the monument, isn't it? Hard to believe she actually came back to the village, much less become _Hokage_. Things sure have changed, y'know." At Minato's unwavering stare, Kushina rubbed her arm and kicked the dirt a little. "Okay… I might have overdone it a little… But they were askin' for it, y'know! They glared and picked on our son! I couldn't let that slide."

Minato simply looked down at the couch resting a few feet away from Kushina. And what he reckoned used to be a furniture store a little further away.

"Um… Yeah. You overdid it a little, Kushina. What are you hauling a couch around for, anyway?" Minato asked, unable to stop the curiosity. Kushina brightened right back up.

"Well! This shop stiffed our son a few times, so I thought I'd get some furniture for our new house, since a _hero_ shouldn't live in a shabby apartment."

Minato laughed awkwardly.

"You did pay for it… right…?"

"Five-finger discount, y'know, on account of bad service for the past decade!" Kushina beamed. Minato's lip twitched up in a slightly forced smile.

"Of… of course. So, um… are they really treating our son that badly? They seemed to be treating him fine on the battlefield. And is there anything else I should know…?"

Kushina kicked a stray pebble.

"Well, not anymore… they began respecting him during his first Chunin Exam, but the mistreatment didn't _fully_ go away until he helped bring everyone back to life after this guy called Pain levelled the place. I guess that's why the place looks so different." Kushina crossed her arms and looked about curiously. Minato couldn't help but agree.

"Ah. So Naruto's a Chunin? Good for him."

Kushina snorted.

"Pfft. Nope. But I made sure to rectify that. There's no way my baby could have remained a Genin for four years unless circumstances were involved. Those old bats should be announcing his promotion today; my birthday present to him!"

Minato looked incredulously at her for a moment.

"Genin? But… There's no way. You're telling me he didn't get a field promotion or _anything_? He should be a _Jonin_ after what he did last night. Not to mention all those powerful techniques… you're telling me they _kept my son a Genin_? For _four years_?"

"Yep." Kushina nodded firmly, hands on her hips. Her face was totally serious. "They even promoted Hizashi's son to Jonin at his second Chunin Exam. Favoritism at its finest, Minato. And what do you mean after what he did last night? Your turn to spill!"

Minato sighed and regaled his wife with a basic rundown of the Fourth Shinobi World War, or at least what he was able to glean from talking to Tsunade, Naruto, and Kakashi. Bystanders soon began gathering around the pair as Minato went on and on. Kushina had eventually taken to sitting on the couch she'd lifted from that furniture store and had adopted a blank expression as Minato just kept talking. And talking. And talking.

Those who recognized and recalled Kushina's personality soon became very, very afraid because of the lack of reactions on her part. Veeery afraid. Though some did wonder how the heck she was resurrected, they were very few and far in-between. The general consensus was that Kushina was bottling up her emotions and waiting to release them at the end, which was _very bad_ for everyone in close proximity. She would erupt like a volcano – so those that did recognize Kushina scrammed for the most part, leaving behind shinobi of other nations and younger Hidden Leaf nin to take the fallout. Those even remotely familiar with Kushina were getting the hell out of dodge…

With the exception of one Kakashi Hatake, who had happened upon Minato-sensei again when he was just wrapping up telling Kushina about the Fourth Shinobi World War. Kakashi Hatake, who just so happened to be carrying around an unconscious Obito Uchiha on his shoulders. Kakashi Hatake, who froze at the first sight of flowing red hair and high-collared green blouse. For years to come, eyewitnesses would claim that Kakashi's skin had become white as paper and that the man started praying profusely to any god out there that would be willing to listen.

But of course the Copy Nin would debunk those 'rumors' wholeheartedly and tell you to shut the hell up. Because Kakashi Hatake did not do fear. He did not have a complete mental breakdown, and he _certainly_ didn't start bawling like a little girl. Kakashi Hatake was the manliest of men, one of the five regimental commanders of the Shinobi Alliance, and the man that had single-handedly disposed of Black Zetsu when no one else could.

Kakashi did _not_ have an irrational fear of Kushina. There was simply nothing irrational about it.

No sooner had Kakashi shown up and start panicking internally than did Obito have the distinct misfortune of regaining consciousness and speaking up loud enough for Kushina and Minato to hear.

"Hnnn… K-Kakashi? Where are we? And why haven't you killed me yet?"

Eyewitnesses that day would further claim, for many years to come, that they felt the earth _tremble_ with each footstep that Kushina took. The Red Hot Habanero had started to make her way toward Kakashi and Obito, who had frozen on the spot at the sheer terror of seeing her flailing hair and glowing, soulless eyes. Those standing between Kushina and Kakashi and Obito parted like a veritable sea, leaving the two young men wide open for whatever Kushina had planned. And they _just couldn't_ snap out of it and make a break for it. Well, in Obito's case, he couldn't move if he wanted to; losing the Tailed Beasts would be leaving him paralyzed for a long time, and the only thing keeping him alive after using Rinne Tensei was the Gedo Mazo that was still stuck inside him.

Obito _tried_ to call up Kamui to save him and Kakashi from a terrible fate, but he didn't have the Chakra for it. Eventually, Kushina was within reaching distance of the two men. Her hands were raised up mechanically… She crouched low… and pounced.

And promptly hugged the stuffing out of them, with the biggest smile on her face.

"Oooh, boys! We have sooo much catching up to do! I'm so _happy_ you're okay! Obito, you'll _have_ to tell me everything that happened… and that goes for you, too, Kakashi! You were a naughty boy and joined the Anbu for over a decade! No one should have to go through half of what you boys have been through."

These remarks left Kakashi and Obito in a peculiar state of terror and confusion. The sensation was nauseating, and both felt like the vice grip of the hug would crack a rib or two if it went on for much longer. Luckily, Kushina eventually let them go, resulting in them crumpling to the ground in a boneless heap. What the hell? She wasn't mad?

Minato smiled nervously at Kushina.

"Kushina, honey, why don't you go catch up with Naruto first? I'll bring the boys around the house later, I promise."

Kushina narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms.

"Not in your current state, buster! You are going to see Tsunade _right now_ and getting a replacement arm. I will take Kakashi and Obito with me to see Naruto. I want to catch up with _all_ of them!"

Minato blinked owlishly.

"Dear… Why do I need a replacement arm? I'm going to be returning to the Pure World later today…"

"Ohhh no." Kushina made an 'X' with her arms. "We can _finally_ be the happy family that we've always dreamed of, y'know! You, me, and Naruto. And his adopted older brothers, Kakashi and Obito. We will _all_ live in that nice house those old batty Councilors are reserving for us. No ifs, ands, or buts, y'know!"

Minato held up a pointer finger weakly.

"But I'm a reanimated corpse, Kushina… I'm not _truly_ alive…"

Remember how no one should try reasoning with Kushina? Yeah. Minato immediately found himself being dragged off by a grumbling, highly irritated Kushina who gnashed her teeth and complained about a husband that lacked faith in her Sealing abilities… She would _find a way_ to resurrect him, y'know!

… And that brings the story up to speed, really. Minato stared dumbly at the prosthetic arm that Tsunade had taken from the corpse of a White Zetsu and stuck right onto him at Kushina's behest. All those arrangements that Kushina made? They were carried out to the letter. Naruto now lived in a three-story mansion and was a Chunin effective immediately. The young man also found himself living with a mom and dad he thought he'd never see again after the War ended, and two very reluctant older siblings. Obito's scheduled trial? Never happened on account of a very defensive and insistent redhead. No one really wanted to upset the Uzumaki family, especially with Naruto being the savior of the world.

Sai, Kakashi, and Hiruzen were award high honors for taking down Madara, Black Zetsu, and Spiral Zetsu respectively. And Hiruzen and the first two Hokage departed to the Pure World soon after wishing Naruto a happy birthday. And while the presence of the Shinobi Alliance was appreciated by the eccentric Uzumaki woman, Kushina _kindly_ asked that her family be left alone for the evening.

No one really had the guts to say no, so the five members of the Uzumaki family found themselves seated alone in the living room of the big mansion for the duration of that evening. A living room that was filled with nice furniture and trinkets that Kushina had… acquired. Needless to say, Naruto was bashful at the lengths his mother had gone to make him happy. Kushina insisted it was for all five of them, but everyone knew Naruto had been the main driving force behind her self-assigned mission.

Kushina Uzumaki had never been so happy to be alive, after all.

"So, uh… While I'm grateful for all you did, mom, I just wanna know, why do we have to live with Obito?" Naruto pointed at the white-haired Uchiha, who sat to Kushina's right while Kakashi was to her left on the couch she acquired earlier that day. Obito now had an eye patch that covered the empty eye socket that once held Nagato's… er… Madara's… Izuna's? Rinnegan. It used to hold the Rinnegan. Obito was also wearing a Jonin flak jacket – another demand that Kushina had made, which again had gone unopposed.

Kakashi and Obito almost looked afraid to say anything… or breathe. Which is kinda important.

"Well, Obito went through some rough times…" Kushina patted Obito's shoulder comfortingly, which sent a shiver down the man's spine. "He did some bad things, but it wasn't his fault! You made him see the error of his ways, which is really all I can ask for from such a wonderful young man!" Kushina cooed and eye-smiled.

Which really freaked Obito out. But still he was too scared to speak out. Never mind the fact he couldn't move his body at all… it was the worst kind of torture.

"To be fair, I believe Kushina unofficially adopted Kakashi, Obito, and Rin back when they were all on my team… Did you know they were all, technically, orphans?" Minato revealed easily enough, garnering a slight glare from Kakashi. "So yeah. On paper they retained their last names, but to Kushina they were all Uzumaki. Despite what the Councilors said back then – I think they just wanted Kakashi to stay a Hatake because they wanted a second coming of the White Fang."

Kushina nodded emphatically.

"Yeah… It's a shame Rin can't be here. Then we'd really be a complete family!" Kushina paused and grinned sheepishly. "… But this is good! I never expected to see Obito again."

Kushina hugged Obito's right arm affectionately, sending Obito into another fit of internal shrieking. He kept a neutral expression, of course.

"Aren't your 'boys' technically older than you now?" Minato asked in amusement, garnering a twitch from Kushina.

"Shut up, Minato. No one asked you…"

Minato shared a chuckle at her expense. Kakashi stared off into space as he tried to comprehend this. Naruto cocked his head to the side as he thought about it, too. Obito just kept panicking on the inside, barely even registering that revelation.

So overall, it was a happy ending for everyone. It would take some getting used to; Kushina and Minato had been gone so long – and in a way, Minato was still 'gone,' as he still had to be restored to true life. But he was back as a reanimation all the same. Kakashi was nominated to be the Sixth Hokage after Tsunade stepped down a few months after the War ended, with a continued reputation as Kakashi of the Sharingan.

Obito pleaded with Kakashi to take his other Sharingan, but the rest of the Uzumaki family would hear none of it – even Naruto, who was beginning to warm up to Obito after the young Uchiha opened up a little when Kushina wasn't around. Though Obito was bedridden for many months after the War's conclusion, he had been allowed to take up a teaching position at the Academy once it was reconstructed. Again, it kind of helped to have one of the scariest kunoichi in existence backing you… even if you just wanted to roll over and die.

Orochimaru had been… encouraged… to develop some morals after a talk with Kushina, though the man did move out of the village to set up a lab at the outermost fringe of the elemental nations. Kabuto, who failed to lend aid to the Alliance after coming to his senses, still somehow managed to reintegrate into the Hidden Leaf and take up the role of head caretaker of the orphanage he had grown up in. A little ironic, considering who Kabuto apprenticed under for so many years… but then, everyone had seen stranger things by that point.

Sasuke had foregone a prison sentence as well, again at the behest of Kushina. There was no way the son of her best friend would be serving jail time… Sasuke tried, but he had been forbidden to travel around the elemental nations like a hobo. So he and the rest of his Team Taka were granted Chunin status and allowed to take over for Danzo's disbanded Root, just without the unethical practices and traumatizing initiation procedures.

The Konoha Eleven, minus Neji who had still died, turned out the same, more or less. Except Naruto, who developed an affinity for Sealing due to his mother's intense training. Sai became a Jonin instructor to get him out of the Anbu, which was another questionable decision on the Hokage's part, but it was just as valid as making Kabuto the head caretaker of an orphanage and letting Obito become an Academy Instructor.

The Tailed Beasts went wherever the hell they wanted, though Shukaku and Gyuki shared some of their Chakra with Naruto, as they had never done so like the other Tailed Beasts. When asked why they did so, Shukaku had claimed that the brat was friends with Gaara. Gyuki, of course, told the truth and said that Naruto was likely the Child of Prophecy that the Sage of Six Paths spoke of. With their Chakra, Naruto was able to have a meeting with Hagoromo Ootsutsuki, though nothing really happened after it. With the world at peace, what was the point of granting Naruto the power of a god? Hagoromo sure as hell wasn't going to offer it to Sasuke, who was still looking for a chance to make a break for it.

So Hagoromo passed on without bestowing power on the reincarnations of his feuding sons. A feud that was now over, apparently. Kaguya never got her chance at a resurrection, but the Gedo Mazou was still around inside Obito, and the tree that Obito had summoned to initiate the Infinite Tsukuyomi was still around, as a testament to the Alliance's victory over Madara and the Akatsuki. But neither of those things would be rejoined, nor would they be able to recreate Kaguya without the Tailed Beasts, the Chakra of everyone in the world, and Black Zetsu.

Weird resurrection ritual, but no one cares about that because it never happened this time around.

Naruto would go on to fall in love with Hinata, become the Seventh Hokage, and have two kids. A new generation would rise to make their own mark on history, and Kushina Uzumaki would be there to watch over them like a mother hen. It took some getting used to, but everything was right with the world…

 **Author's Note:**

 **Back by popular demand, my duckies! And by my rebellious muse… But that's beside the point. The point is you wanted more, so it's only fair to deliver. If you're wondering why I kept pairings the same – face it: it's much more fun to make a muck of the canon things than to come up with something on the fly and get everyone's knickers in a twist. This is meant to be a jolly good time, mates.**

… **And if you read that all in Mad Mod's voice from the original Teen Titans series, then I've done my job! I am neither British nor a fictional villain with a fetish for hypnotism. I do appreciate the overall approval, though; I feared it wouldn't go over too well. Felt a smidge rushed. I dunno how much mileage I can get out of this one, but I'm sure I can brainstorm some scenarios. It's open-ended at this point – if I think of more scenarios, I'll post more; if my muse spontaneously dies, then this'll be it. I'll admit, this lengthy second part was** _ **fun**_ **. :D**

 **Don't fret, my duckies…**

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	3. Addendum 1

**Addendum One – Naru-chan's Quest for a Girlfriend!**

 **Subtitle: Otherwise known as Naruto and Obito's Bonding Time**

Minato scowled at his student, who simply stared back at him from across the desk. Minato stared unwaveringly, subconsciously wishing to bore holes into Kakashi's skull with his intimidating glare alone. Kakashi stared right back. He eye-smiled, and then went back to staring at his Sensei just as seriously. Minato twitched violently.

" _Fine_." The single word sizzled off of Minato's lips, the man looking the very picture of cross. In a flash, Minato disappeared from view; and a few seconds later, he was back with a violently struggling cat, which was really tearing into the blond's arms and clothes. They reformed right back, of course, but it was the _principle_ of the thing.

For you see, even though Minato didn't mind easing back into the ninja forces in a post-war setting that had far less demands for missions, he was always relegated one altruistic, now oversimplified mission. Whether he was on an A-Rank mission to protect a princess in the Land of Earth, or whether he was at home spending time with his family, all Kakashi had to do was throw one of Sensei's special kunai knives, and the man was there to be forced to catch a certain bloody _cat_.

The Fourth Hokage, Slaughterer of armies of the Hidden Stone in the Third Ninja War, Hero of the Hidden Leaf, a reanimated corpse with unlimited Chakra and talent… was now forced to take all Fetch Tora missions. _All_ of them. Because it was _convenient_.

"Oh, Tora! Where were you?! Mummsies missed you so much!" The Daimyo's wife swept up the cat in a bone-crushing hug, sending the cat into another spasm of hissing and spitting. She turned to the Sixth Hokage and beamed. "Thank you so much, Hokage! It was very nice visiting you again."

The woman handed over the paltry amount required for a D-Rank and took her leave. Minato pointed accusingly at his student and glared hatefully at the evil, evil man once they were alone.

" _You_ …" Minato growled. Kakashi pointed to himself, blinking in confusion.

"Me?" Kakashi asked a little too innocently.

Minato hissed.

" _Yooouuu_..." Minato nodded slowly, waving his pointer finger up and down for emphasis. "You broke up my date with Kushina… to fetch that damn cat… _again_ …"

Kakashi shrugged helplessly.

"What can I say? You have the Flying Thunder God, can instantly heal, and you can get right back to whatever you were doing in no time flat. I'd be a fool to not use my resources, Sensei," Kakashi eye-smiled again, fingers intertwined innocently. "The best part is that _I'm_ Hokage now, so you have to listen to _me_ , even for mundane tasks like this. I never knew that taking up the hat… could be so much _fun_ , Sensei! Having you tag the Daimyo's wife's cat had to be my best idea ever; now those cute little Genin won't be traumatized by a feral cat hell-bent on freedom!"

Minato went into another fit of twitching. He knew exactly why his former student was doing this to him – and he even sympathized with him in the beginning – but this was the thirty-fifth Fetch Tora mission in the past ten weeks. The one-hundred-and-third one this year. At some point the madness had to _stop_.

"You going to do anything with that Rasengan, Sensei?" Kakashi asked innocently. Minato twitched. "You know you can't kill me that way – too obvious. Only three people know how to form it, and two of them are here in this room. Do you really think you could pin this on Naruto?"

Minato let out a tiny insane giggle, which garnered a raised eyebrow from Kakashi.

"Oh, this? No, no, no. This is a creature comfort. I could use this to make it look like I fought off an assassin. I have other… _ways_ of disposing of your body…" Another insane giggle.

Kakashi slowly nodded sagely.

"Yes, well... I'm glad to see my efforts to bring you down to my level of hysteria is working, Sensei," Kakashi eye-smiled. "But you should probably get back to Kushina."

And just like that, the Rasengan dissipated in Minato's hand, and he slapped himself and shook his head vigorously.

"Sorry. Lost myself a little bit there. I'm supposed to be the _sane_ one of the family." Minato coughed awkwardly. And then he departed.

Kakashi chuckled evilly once the man was gone, hands spread out in front of him with palms facing up.

"Yes, my plan is going perfectly…" Kakashi continued his bout of evil chuckles for a good several minutes before the secretary knocked on the door and brought in a cartload of paperwork. He stared deadpan at the piles and piles of paper. "And then we come back to you… The stuff I can't foist off to anyone else… Or can I…?"

Kakashi cupped his chin as he brainstormed who to delegate the task to… Hmm… Homura and Koharu weren't really doing anything these days…

* * *

Obito stared placidly at the group of kids before him. He'd tried everything… _everything_ … to get out of this teaching position. It was great to finally be able to move again, and to escape to the Kamui dimension whenever he wanted to, but it was never a permanent escape, especially with Black Zetsu oozing around in there… And even when he never ran into Black Zetsu in that dimension, Kakashi made damn sure he'd be back in time for dinner. The traitor.

Anyways… He'd tried everything to get out of this Academy job. He'd tried the traditional route, turning in his resignation. Kush… That Woman suspected someone was pressuring him into quitting, so he had his job back within a week. Obito had tried brutally injuring a random kid… not even a slap on the wrist. Apparently the kid was a delinquent, and it was understandable that Obito had 'cracked' and walloped on him. Obito had taught his students high-level techniques… each of the damn thirty kids in his class knew how to use the Uchiha Flame Encampment Jutsu - you know, the one that throws up a ridiculously tall wall of flames that circled whatever target you wanted, including yourself.

Great Fireball Jutsu, Blast Wave Wild Dance Jutsu, Chidori, Water Prison Jutsu, Water Dragon Jutsu, Hidden Mole Jutsu, Wind Style: Great Breakthrough… Obito tested all their affinities and taught them all 'awesome Jutsu' that ultimately exhausted their small reserves… And _still_ he hadn't been kicked out of the Academy. Oh, his fellow teachers were giving him the cold shoulder and wary leers, but they didn't dare compromise his damn position!

Obito supposed he couldn't blame them, really… Not when Kush-That Woman was under the uncompromising assumption that Obito really wanted to teach the kids at the Academy. He had even tried to have the kids use him as target practice for their 'awesome Jutsu,' the suicide option as he called it, but even then Kakashi, Minato, That Woman, and/or Naruto were there to save him at the last second. Every. Single. Time. Was it too much to ask to just pass onto the next world and finally get chewed out by Rin…?

Obviously it was.

At last the final bell for the day rang, and the kids all filed out of the room without really learning anything new. Obito had gone with the fast-track approach this year; if he couldn't get fired, at least he could get out of teaching the kids for a whole year. They'd already learned the basics within the first three weeks of the school year, and he'd drilled into them the importance of teamwork. History was glossed over, but really, how necessary was that in the grand scheme of things? For most shinobi, they didn't need to know what the Daimyo's father's uncle's niece's daughter's cat did thirty eight years ago in order to escort somebody to a foreign country.

Okay, that might have been a _slight_ exaggeration of how droll the history lessons were… but to be fair, there _was_ some stuff in there that was so trivial that it made one consider the sanity of the ones who created and published the history books. But seriously, Obito was made the history, Ninjutsu, and Taijutsu teacher for each year's crop of Genin – other teachers handled other subjects. Obviously. If he absolutely had to train the next generation of Genin, Obito would be doing it on his terms. They would be getting a _practical_ education. They would not end up crushed under a boulder and then whisked away to a dank cave with a mind-controlling old codger and his army of insanity-inducing plant-guys.

They would be able to incinerate that old man before he could say two words, damn it! Why, if he'd had half the arsenal he was handing out to the kids like candy…

"Hey, hey, Obito! Ready to go get some ramen?"

Obito mechanically turned to the grinning orange eyesore standing in the doorway of the classroom. Okay, admittedly Naruto wasn't so bad… Frankly, the blond was just a younger version of him, one that didn't go crazy… well, not in the bad crazy kind of way…

But the blond was just one bright ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary life… Kakashi was Hokage now, and Minato-sensei was often out of the village on missions. His former classmates had all pursued different lines of work, and were reluctant to rebuild burned bridges with him. The only other family member he had left was running a secret faction of the Anbu, and was itching to flee the village at the first opportunity.

He didn't dare try approaching Kabuto. For all intents and purposes, they had been the two leaders of Akatsuki's armies in the Fourth Ninja War – at least until Madara was brought back and tried taking control again. Then again… maybe he should get back in touch with the bookworm! Maybe they'd finally execute him… Obito was practically giddy at the prospect…

And then he remembered That Woman would just defend him… So screw that plan. He didn't like the bookworm. At all. If there wasn't anything in it for him, he wasn't going to extend an olive branch with the nerd.

"Yes, Naruto… Let's go." Obito heaved a sigh and the two went off to Ichiraku's.

The only thing that really changed about Ichiraku's for Obito was the fact that Teuchi's daughter, Ayame, was helping run the stand. Ayame had been born around the time of Obito's last meals at the ramen stand before he defected, give or take a year. Not that it really mattered to Obito, because the only reason he regularly ate at Ichiraku's at all back then was because of Sensei and That Woman.

And now he was apparently being dragged there by Sensei and That Woman's spawn… Some things never change.

"So, um… Mind if I ask you something, 'Bito?" Naruto asked after their orders were placed. Obito idly looked at him with his one eye.

"What in the world would you possibly have to ask me about?" Obito shot back plainly. And it was true – Naruto had beaten him before, and even had everyone else help him deliver a pounding! … Not that he hadn't gotten a huge upgrade by absorbing the Ten-Tails… Nope. Everyone unfairly ganged up on him. He was just life's punching bag.

"Weeell…" Naruto teetered back and forth in his seat a bit, frowning thoughtfully. "When I got a look into your memories, I saw that one girl teammate you had…"

"Rin." Obito flatly supplied, not liking where this conversation was heading…

"Right, right. Rin! You really seemed to like her, so I was wondering… how do you ask a girl out without getting rejected? 'Cause there's this one girl I like…"

"Sakura." Obito deadpanned, which made Naruto's eyes widen comically. Like it wasn't obvious. Yup. This was going where he _really_ didn't want to go… "Look, Naruto, I never got to date Rin. Or any girl for that matter. Even if I had, there's just no surefire way to ask without possible rejection."

Well… without the Infinite Tsukuyomi, anyway, but Obito was over and done with that crap…

"Isn't there anything I can do to get her to like me in that way?!" Naruto exclaimed, clearly getting desperate here. He then looked glum. "I mean, the bastard has her wrapped around his finger… ever since the Academy…"

Obito shuddered slightly at the eerie sense of déjà vu that was emanating from Naruto. Oh Kami… the blond really _was_ like a younger version of him. How to phrase this without looking hypocritical? Preferably without swearing off of Rin, of course. They couldn't be allowed to take that from him… They were keeping him alive, damn it! Don't kick a man when he's down.

"Erm… there's really, really no way to do that either, Naruto." Obito said after a while. "You could try emulating Sasuke, but that won't work in the long run. For one, you and Sasuke are totally opposites – you wouldn't be able to hold up the charade for long."

"You pulled it off," Naruto pouted. "Even with Rin dead, you still acted like that…"

"And look where that got me." Obito remarked dryly. He rubbed his temple and sighed. "Look, Naruto… As cheesy as it is… Just be yourself. Don't try to force the girl to like you. Don't go 'fishing' with those new fangirls of yours, either… Just get to know someone and stick with her. You'll be much happier in the long run."

There. Honor satisfied. He was not some love guru! The one girl he ever liked, and she got stabbed in the heart by his teammate and bastard-rival-turned-friend. Literally. You couldn't get unluckier than that.

* * *

Several months passed. Not once had Naruto approached Obito again about love advice. Thank Kami for small graces.

But no. Of course life couldn't just stay like that. Naruto breached the topic again at another impromptu visit to his favorite ramen stand with Obito in tow. With the increasingly frequent visit to the ramen stand, That Woman was starting to get ideas about Obito and Teuchi's daughter. And wasn't that just disturbing? They were a decade apart in age, and Obito just didn't feel any romantic inclinations toward the admittedly kind young woman.

Still. Obito highly suspected That Woman had made the suggestion for more than simply setting him up on a date. This was _Teuchi's_ daughter, after all. He was likely just bait to get Ichiraku's scrumptious recipes – not that That Woman would ever admit to that.

But Obito was digressing now. Naruto was breaching the topic… _again_ … at the ramen stand no less. What was it about Ichiraku's that made Naruto open up and ask exceedingly difficult questions about life?

"Sakura was a bust." Naruto said dejectedly after a while, not really digging into his meal like he usually did. He poked at the broth with his chopsticks. "She's still into Sasuke… and when I invited her over for dinner, Ma kinda scared her off when she hit me for old time's sake."

Obito narrowed his only eye at the blond. That couldn't have taken seven months to accomplish. Not even Naruto was that slow…

"The real trouble started when I started taking all these joint missions with other villages… Kaka-sensei rigged the missions so that I'd be on all-kunoichi teams, which was kinda embarrassing. I think he's planning to take up writing the next series of Icha-Icha…" Here Obito snorted. He would not put it past Kakashi… Naruto went on, "Ma kept an eye on me through the Old Man's crystal ball thingy he left lying around… so she made me invite some of those girls over for dinner, too, even though I barely knew any of those girls."

"Ah." Obito muttered as if putting two-and-two together. "So that's why you and She were absent for some dinners…"

Those meals were absolute bliss.

"Ma didn't like that one girl from the Hidden Cloud… Samui, I think. Didn't like her chest or somethin'." Obito snorted again. He'd almost let a chuckle escape. "Then there was Gaara's sister… but we told Ma that she was kinda involved with Shikamaru. Ma was gonna invite the Mizukage over, but we all kinda agreed there was too much of an age gap. And she was the _Mizukage_. Anyway, then there was Old Man Tsuchikage's granddaughter… Ma's still convinced there's something between us, but we'd only met the once before the Fourth War broke out, y'know. I don't like her in that way, and she doesn't like me that way, but mom's _convinced_ there's something. I think she's trying to envision something that's just not there…"

 _'What a surprise.'_ Obito thought to himself dryly. Out loud he said, "Wait. Isn't the Tsuchikage's granddaughter that one mouthy, temperamental, flat-chested girl?"

"Yeah, what's your point?" Naruto asked, blinking owlishly. Obito just shook his head.

"Oh, nothing…" Obito muttered. If Naruto couldn't see the uncanny similarities, then he wasn't about to point them out in public. Naruto just looked at him incredulously for several moments.

"If you say so. Anyways, that's why I'm here… Ma still thinks there's somethin' between me 'n Kurotsuchi, so I need any advice you can give me. I don't care if it's someone in the village, or if it's some random girl across the world… What can I do to get a girl to go out with me?! I really don't like Kurotsuchi in that way!"

Obito just stared at Naruto for a long time after that. Had Naruto just admitted to the fact that his own Mother was frightening him? Ohhh… Obito was _so_ tempted to just leave Naruto hanging. Brothers in suffering and all that.

But no. Obito just _had_ to feel pity for the young Uzumaki. Perhaps he could get Naruto to do him a favor as well?

"Alright. I'm going to help you out." Obito finally responded, garnering a hope-filled gaze from the blond. He raised a pointer finger before Naruto could get carried away, though. "But. You're going to do something for me, and I want you to swear you'll get it done _today_. Got it?"

Naruto nodded dumbly.

"I'll do anything!" Naruto vowed, throwing his arms into the air in praise.

Obito shook his head.

"You are going to tell your Mother that Kakashi has recently become infatuated with Anko… And you are to lay it on thick so that she puts all her effort into getting those two together. Can you do this?"

Naruto nodded vigorously this time.

"I will do this thing!" he eccentrically declared.

Obito sighed wearily. That was about the best he could hope for, really… But if Naruto could get That Woman off of both their cases, even if it was for just a few weeks, he would be eternally grateful…

"Just… Just wait here. I'll take care of everything."

Naruto watched as Obito disappeared via Kamui… and sat there, waiting.

* * *

"Eep!"

Obito hushed the woman and stared at her gravely.

"You like Naruto, correct?" A nod. "You want him to notice you?" Another nod. "… Then come."

Obito grasped the woman's hand and disappeared with Kamui again, with the woman in tow this time…

* * *

Naruto blinked in surprise when Obito's Kamui began swirling again no more than two minutes after he had departed. Did Obito want to renege on their deal?

Needless to say, Naruto was shocked when Hinata came out of the swirling vortex and Obito didn't. Hinata looked as surprised as he did, heat rushing to her face to make her look like an overripe tomato. The young Hyuga fainted dead away, of course, never expecting to be eating at Ichiraku's with Naruto in a million years.

Naruto waited for Hinata to wake up, of course. He might not have had a romantic interest in the girl yet, but she was a nice girl. Even if she tended to faint a lot whenever they talked, which was just plain weird. Still. Hinata would eventually regain consciousness, and the pair would have what would be classified as their first date… even if they were just friends at this point. She'd still go on to be his girlfriend after a few more dates.

And for that, there was much rejoicing.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Aaand that's a wrap for this one. I felt like this one was all over the place, so I hope you enjoyed the addendum in some way. Only fair to let Obito have some dialogue… Kushina never popped up, but she will in the future. No need to kick 'Bito when he's down. XD It wouldn't be fair to end everything here, but from here on out they'll be labelled as Addendums. That way, if you don't like one Addendum, you can choose to ignore it from the main story – that is, the first two chapters. I'll probably stop updating this for a while, so I can focus on TToNU.**

 **I know I said that in the first chapter, but I mean it this time… really… ^^;**

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	4. Addendum 2

**Addendum Two – How Sasuke screwed Everyone Over**

 **Alternative Title: Screw Unhappy Endings**

Right, so. The Hidden Leaf is now this utopian paradise, right? No wars on the horizon. No clan politics interfering with one another to get higher positions of power. And absolutely no psychos just waiting to defect and go on a world-domination gig.

Kushina's return had been a shock that had over half the population jammed into the Hidden Leaf emergency shelters for months at a time, but they were slowly adjusting to her presence again, even if she was every bit as traumatizing as they remembered her. This was manageable. They could handle this. The people of the Hidden Leaf were _strong_.

That plan went out the window about two years after everything settled down. You see, Kushina getting resurrected? They could handle that, no matter how traumatizing that one person was. But a whole _clan_? What-the-actual-fuck?

Okay, let's rewind just a little. The first sign that something was amiss was a rather sudden increase in raven-haired people in the village. A bunch of grumpy-looking raven-haired people. A bunch of grumpy-looking raven-haired people that would occasionally shoot red-eyed glares at the previously happy citizens of the Hidden Leaf. This wouldn't be so bad if they were all immigrants seeking refuge for whatever reason, but all these people had been recorded as _dead_. No longer living. For over ten years.

Kakashi had been receiving reports all morning the day this spontaneously occurred, but he hadn't seen anything concrete until a raven-haired ghost just so happened to pop by his office.

Well. What he considered to be a ghost, anyway.

"Kakashi … do you happen to know where the Hokage is?" the young man asked stoically. Despite feeling thoroughly confused himself, he knew to be cordial to old acquaintances… especially when he hadn't had the chance to for roughly a decade.

Kakashi simply stared at his latest visitor. And stared. And stared some more. He didn't blink once, which slightly perturbed his visitor.

"… Kakashi?" The visitor tried again. The silver-haired man sat frozen and unblinking, like a statue. His guest sighed and shook his head. Obviously he wasn't the only one confused with his new lease on life. "… Never mind. I'll see myself out. … I would recommend getting out of the Hokage's seat; she can be quite temperamental for a Sannin, after all."

Kakashi couldn't even find the words to correct the ghost. So with that, the young man stepped out and clicked the door shut, leaving Kakashi in that state. Kakashi would remain like that for hours, being unresponsive to even his Anbu. Kakashi _swore_ that had been Itachi Uchiha speaking to him just now, albeit he seemed to be blind in one eye. Only one thought was going through Kakashi's mind… repeatedly…

What. The. Fuck?!

* * *

Minato knew something was up when he accidentally skewered his finger with a dango stick. As a reanimation, Minato didn't have the need to eat, drink, or do any mortal thing… But today he had experienced something he hadn't experienced in _years_. Hunger.

It was a small pang of hunger, but Minato always had an eye for detail. Not wanting to gorge himself on Ichiraku's like his wife and son, Minato went to the food stall that sold dango. He didn't know how he'd digest the meal as a zombie, but he attempted it anyway. And he'd been surprised when he pricked one of his fingers on the dango skewer – surprised not because he felt some pain from the poke, as he could still feel pain as a reanimation, but surprised because the wound wasn't healing up right away.

And it was _bleeding_.

Minato narrowed his eyes at the tiny, tiny wound. This called for an investigation. And he couldn't do that very well in a food stall. So, making use of one of the Flying Thunder God seals that he placed in the 'Uzumaki Mansion' as the village had come to call it, Minato flashed away from his table, leaving behind enough money to cover his meager meal.

* * *

"KUSHINA!" A raven-haired woman squealed.

"MIKOTO!" Kushina squealed right back, carelessly dropping her groceries. The two ran right at each other and engaged each other in a massive bear hug.

The happy reunion happened in an open street, among a throng of citizens going about their day. Passersby smiled warmly as Kushina seemed to rejoice in meeting someone again. True, Kushina was a ticking time bomb in most cases, but as long as she was _happy_ , she wasn't going to blow up at anyone anytime soon.

But then some curious onlookers got a closer look at just who Kushina was hugging the stuffing out of. The younger people didn't recognize the young woman… but the older generation? The ones old enough to remember a couple decades back? Yep. They looked about to wet themselves – and some plain old civilians _did_. This only meant one thing.

Mikoto Uchiha was back. That meant the Dynamic Duo was back together. Now forever inseparable.

Of course some people outright fled, leaving the younger generation to take the fallout.

"Mikoto!" A man with stress lines all over his face barked at his wife. As he strode over to the cuddling duo, however, he got a better look at just who Mikoto's friend was. And he paled considerably as it dawned on him that the other woman before him was… "Damn. Well, there go those plans…"

Fugaku Uchiha had of course been speaking about the plans for the Uchiha coup d'état, which seemed to be back on track as everyone that was massacred had now returned to life for whatever inexplicable reason. Seeing how Kushina was back, however, his wife would never grudgingly follow him now. The loss of Kushina had deeply impacted Mikoto, and prevented her from seeking out new friends, seeing as the village suspected them to be the orchestrators behind the Nine-Tails' attack. Which worked out for Fugaku, because Mikoto could have kicked his ass instead of agreeing to the coup.

Whoever thought that Fugaku had any power over his wife needed to be stabbed. Slowly. The _only_ reason that the coup nearly happened wasn't because Itachi had killed them all before it could go through… it was because the coup fell in line with Mikoto's objectives perfectly. She would have made it happen, somehow, someway. Tell her that she couldn't adopt Minato and Kushina's only living progeny, would they…?

On top of that, though, Fugaku had been rather unsettled by the pair of Tailed Beasts that stood watch outside the village walls. If Fugaku didn't know any better, he'd swear that was the Three-Tails and Seven-Tails that were looking at the seemingly new arrivals and wondering if they should flush them all out of the village to personally inspect each and every one of them.

Let it not be said that Fugaku was incapable of reading facial expressions. Fugaku knew those looks, and the Tailed Beasts looked like a pair of overprotective mother hens.

But of course the beasts couldn't really be there. After all, no one in the village seemed to be bothered by their presence. What Fugaku didn't know, however, was the results of the Fourth Shinobi World War. For if he had been there for that, he would have known full well that the Tailed Beasts were very real, and that they were in fact self-designated guardians of the child that saved them.

Kurama insisted everything was under control, but after he ended up extracted from his last Jinchuriki and nearly killing his current one when the boy was born? Yeah. Isobu and Chomei had some serious doubts that Kurama he could sufficiently guard the Meeting Place of all Tailed Beasts.

Thankfully, Fugaku was not aware of these facts, however. For if he had been, he might have committed Seppuku right then and there…

* * *

" _Knock it off, Pervy Sage_!" Naruto roared instinctually, seeing the giant white mane of a giggling pervert that was peeking into the hot springs.

Also on instinct, Jiraiya whipped around at the not-so-shrill-anymore scream of his one remaining student.

"I am _not_ a pervert, you brat! Stop calling me that!" Jiraiya shot back.

"Then stop being a pervert, gramps!"

"C'mere, you little…"

It was only as Jiraiya was shaking the blond that the pair of them realized something – and it wasn't just the fact that Jiraiya only had one arm.

"What the _hell_ is goin' on, y'know?" Naruto all but whispered as Jiraiya came to the same conclusion. Jiraiya was ashamed that he hadn't realized it until sooner, but to be fair, he had been coincidentally brought back near the hot springs, and he'd only been back for a good twenty minutes, so naturally he would fall back into old habits…

Something was very wrong here.

* * *

Similar to Kakashi, Obito found himself frozen like a statue as he, too, had a chance encounter with someone from his past. It couldn't be…

"Excuse me, mister, do you know where I could find Minato Namikaze or Kakashi Hatake?" The brunette innocently asked of who she believed to be a stranger.

Obito's thousand yard stare didn't fade away. It _looked_ like her. It _sounded_ like her. She didn't look like she had aged a day since he had last seen her…

"R-R-Rin…?" Obito experimentally tried to use his voice. It couldn't _possibly_ be her, but…

"Hmm? Do you know me, mister?" The brunette cocked her head to the side in contemplation. Oh kami. It _was_ her. Unless this was a very elaborate prank by his bastard teammate, this was Rin Nohara, the person that really gave his life meaning… "Mister?"

And now they were decades apart in age.

"It just isn't faaaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!" Obito frothed at the mouth, raised a fist at the sky, and promptly fell backwards unconscious.

Rin attended to him, of course, being the sweet medic-nin that she was. She couldn't help but wonder who this white-haired guy was, though. The right side of his face looked like it had been crushed at some point, but beyond that, the guy didn't seem much older than Minato-sensei the last time she saw him.

Returning to life was very puzzling for Rin, but that didn't stop her from being courteous to others. Now if only she could find Minato-sensei or Kakashi…

* * *

"Asuma…?" Kurenai gaped as she opened the front door to the house she had recently bought for herself and the baby.

"Kurenai…" Asuma mumbled longingly. He smiled and chuckled somewhat awkwardly. "What'd I miss?"

* * *

"H-Hayate?!" Yugao gasped. The aforementioned Jonin rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. He coughed somewhat violently, confirming that this was indeed Hayate.

"Hey, Yugao…"

* * *

Similar meetings were happening all throughout the Leaf Village. Those who had been caught up in the destruction of the Alliance's HQ, which included Shikaku and Inoichi, were taken in by shell-shocked families. Even Neji and Hizashi were brought back.

Perhaps the most shocking revived shinobi, however, came to visit Tsunade at the old Senju Compound.

"ALRIGHT! Where is Sasuke Uchiha?!" Tsunade barked at Shizune, who was just as caught off guard. She pointed in the general direction of the Hokage Tower with a glare that could melt boulders. "Get Hatake on this! I want Sasuke found _now_!"

Shizune squeaked and nodded in affirmation.

"Y-Yes, Milady!" Shizune scurried off with Tonton in her arms.

Tsunade turned her attention back to the pair of visitors. She tried to put on a congenial smile as best as she could, though the two males could tell Tsunade was very, _very_ distressed. And who wouldn't be? If people like Dan and Nawaki were getting revived, that could only mean that a whooole lot of people were being brought back.

The only way that could happen is if a Certain Someone used some sleight of hand and kept a Rinnegan for himself when he used Amaterasu to burn the things…

This meant that the peace they worked so hard to achieve would be _lost_. Because no matter how well they tried to hide those recently returned to life, _some village_ would find out. And then all hell would break loose, because the Hidden Leaf was in possession of the Rinnegan, and they _weren't sharing_.

Tsunade would be having words with the young Uchiha about this… Some very. Violent. Words.

* * *

Somewhere in a dark underground cavern beneath the Leaf Village, Sasuke stared down at the corpse of the White Zetsu uncaringly. A single Rinnegan was implanted in one of the Zetsu's eye sockets. His mission was at last complete. Sasuke had _tried_ to leave the village, but _oh no_. They _had_ to keep him here.

The initial plan was of course to have his clan revived outside the village, where they wouldn't be persecuted by the Selfish Senju and their bleeding heart garbage. Having Orochimaru perform the Reanimation Jutsu on his whole clan and then using the Rinne Tensei to restore them to life in those bodies would have been child's play.

But then Karin pointed out that the whole world would be in an uproar that he had lied about destroying the Rinnegan, and then the Uchiha Clan would be hunted down and killed _again_. While Sasuke couldn't care less about what other people thought of him, she did have a point about his clan possibly getting hunted down. Sasuke refused to let that happen. Why should this village of people gorged on Senju ideals be the only ones with a happy ending? His family had been _slaughtered_ for their sake, damn it!

And so Team Taka held off on reviving the Uchiha Clan. They bided their time, and harvested personal DNA from all around the world for the sake of bringing them back to the mortal realm with the Reanimation Jutsu, and then reviving them with the Rinne Tensei. It was a foolproof plan. His clan would get to live again, and everyone would be too absorbed in welcoming back _their_ loved ones to care about his Little White Lie.

Sasuke had been very selective in who was brought back to life. Only those who were less likely to start another War would be brought back. That meant little to no Akatsuki members brought back – Konan and Yahiko being exceptions to this; Nagato was sealed away in Itachi's Totsuka Blade. Two years of meticulous research, and Sasuke had determined the ones most deserving of a second chance at life.

Some DNA was a pain in the ass to retrieve, however. Jiraiya's corpse was irretrievable, but thankfully those Toad Summons had kept a tiny bit of Jiraiya's DNA… for whatever reason. Sasuke had never been more thankful for the Snakes and Toads mending burned bridges after the death of Manda.

And so it went. DNA was harvested from all over the world, Orochimaru performed some operation on hundreds of leftover White Zetsu corpses to temporarily revive them and use them as sacrifices, and Team Taka ensured that Orochimaru would perform the Reanimation Jutsu when the time was ripe. When the dead had been brought back to the mortal realm, Sasuke hypnotized the White Zetsu he had forcibly implanted the Rinnegan in, and the creature revived every single Reanimation.

Was it ethical? Hell no. But they were ninja, not glorified samurai. Would there be far-reaching effects that would come to bite Sasuke in the ass? He couldn't care less. If everyone couldn't be grateful that their loved ones were back, then that was entirely their problem.

 _True_ Uchiha do not regret their actions, no matter the potential consequences. That's just how they rolled.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Well. That was fun. Who's for Chinese? XD**

 **Of course I'm going to continue this now. It would be evil of me** _ **not**_ **to. So many fun interactions ahead. I barely touched the tip of the iceberg with all the returns here, since I wanted to show off so many people… Next time we might even see some reactions from the other Great Nations. I dunno. I didn't get to Sakumo yet, but I think he's the only unmentioned one that I didn't get to in the Hidden Leaf… Besides Iruka's parents maybe. :P**

 **Hope you enjoyed, my duckies!**

 **Review Replies:**

 **TheSilenceIsVast: Hehehe…**

 **reydrago: Well, here's one now. :D**

 **Fallen's Child: Glad you enjoyed. :D**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Kakashi might very well suffer… for not keeping an eye on Sasuke… Haha.**

 **FictionLover12: My bad! I suspected I had the wrong idea, but it was a bit late when I realized that… So, my apologies.**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Yeah, I kinda marvel at Tora's 'evolution' sometimes. But it's much more fun to exaggerate. :D As for Sakura… Ehhh. I probably could have written out a scene for that; the gist was that it was 'for old times' sake.' She didn't hit him with a Chakra-infused punch or anything. Just a love tap. But you're right, of course. XD Do realize the ulterior motive of keeping Kakashi preoccupied… This is Obito, remember. Shared Kamui dimension and all that. Mwahahaha. :D I considered going that route… but then this hit me like a bag of bricks, wielded by an enraged Tsunade/Sakura/Kushina/some diabolical combination of the three. This is muuuch more fun. XD**

 **Slmgr101: Glad you're enjoying it so far! :D**


	5. Addendum 3

**Addendum Three: Things get Just a Little Bit Crazier**

"Name?"

"… Sasuke Uchiha."

"Age?"

"Nineteen."

"Crime committed against the Leaf Village?"

"What _crime_? I gave people a second chance at life!"

"..."

"…"

"…"

"… And I might have kept a Rinnegan for myself…"

"Why did you do it?"

"You killed my father…" Pause. "… And everyone else in my clan, through my _brother_ no less…"

"But you brought back more than just your clan."

"So that you lot wouldn't exterminate my clan… _again_ …"

"… Do you have any idea of what will likely be at our doorstep in the near future?"

"No. Uchiha literally cannot be held accountable for their actions."

"… Hypothetically, if we were to, say, put your clan on the frontlines, would you still say that?"

"Hypothetically I would raze this village to the ground… I'd make this hellhole a place where the living envy the dead."

Very. Awkward. Pause.

"… Could you excuse me for one second?"

The door clicked closed as Homura entered the door next to the one-way glass. Sasuke stared dully at the 'mirror', and then turned on his Sharingan like flipping a light switch. A reminder that he was well aware that this interrogation was being monitored.

"That boy is unhinged." Homura grumbled as he briefly wiped off his glasses.

"What did you expect after brazenly threatening him like that? He _is_ Mikoto's child, after all. Even if he takes more after Fugaku in the looks department…" Koharu frowned.

"I expected him to back down… He came to _us_. I expected a civil conversation." Homura sniffed haughtily. Koharu snorted.

"Name one sane Uchiha who genuinely regrets their actions."

"Well, there's Obito…" Kakashi offered up, but of course Koharu waved her hand dismissively.

"I said _sane_."

"Itachi?"

"Too much of a brother complex, so too unpredictable."

"Shisui."

"Planned to stop the coup through hypnotism. And he's one of the few Uchiha _not_ to be brought back because his body is _still missing_."

Kakashi wilted. Those were his very best examples, honestly. But then again, this was to be expected; Koharu and Homura were the only surviving students of the Second Hokage.

"At least Sasuke gave us the Rinnegan?" The Hokage finished lamely. Koharu snorted again.

"The damage is already done. And we'd look like the villains for killing all of those resurrected, so… we're screwed."

Whether they faced a revolt within their walls or a war with the other nations, conflict would be coming one way or another. That was the general consensus, anyway; Obito refused to let the Hidden Leaf move to his Kamui dimension. Something about a whole village in his eyeball being just plain _wrong_.

Kakashi seemed to agree quite vehemently.

Though strangely enough, the other nations had gone very, very quiet. Sure, it'd only been a couple days, but… things had been _too_ quiet.

"So… um… Sasuke's mother does know about this right?" Kakashi steered the subject matter onto something else, as if they weren't in the middle of interrogating Sasuke at all. At the elders' blank stares, Kakashi began sweating bullets. " _Right_?!"

"I was under the impression _you_ had informed the appropriate parties, given the way you delegate tasks these days. You should know by now that we will not be going near that woman with a thousand meter pole. Not so long as she and Kushina are still breathing."

Kakashi twitched violently at this. _He_ sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to inform Mikoto about her son... or Kushina for that matter. His visible eye darted left and right as panic set in.

"I-In that case… I'll leave you to it and be back in a couple of hours…"

The trio froze as a massive amount of Killing Intent flooded the room. A wall literally exploded behind Kakashi, but the white-haired Hokage had already yanked up his headband and activated his Mangekyo.

"Kamui, Kamui, Kamui!"

A vortex opened up straight ahead of Kakashi as he was propelled forward by the explosion, and the man promptly vanished seconds later. The two elders glared heatedly at where Kakashi had just been, and cursed colorfully as two distinctly female silhouettes barged into the room. One thing was for sure…

Kakashi would pay. Oh yes, he would _pay_ …

* * *

Jiraiya experimentally flexed his new appendage. Tsunade was kind enough to attach the other arm from that one Zetsu donor that helped Minato out. Turns out Jiraiya had lost his left arm and Minato had lost his right arm. Funny thing, that.

"So let me get this straight…" Jiraiya began as he continued to experiment with his new phalanges. "The Five Great Nations banded together to stop Akatsuki, Naruto achieved perfect synchronization with the Nine-Tails, the Ten-Tails was revived and sealed into a Jinchuriki, who was promptly beaten and is now teaching children at the Academy, and _now_ Sasuke Uchiha has done the single stupidest thing in the entire history of the shinobi world and revived every significant person who ever died for the Hidden Leaf?"

"Not _every_ significant person…" Tsunade muttered. "He mostly stuck to more recent history; I think the farthest back he went was with Dan and Nawaki. And apparently, some just didn't get brought back, like Sarutobi-sensei for whatever reason. Aside from Nawaki, the Senju Clan remained untouched… though I think that's just Sasuke trying to 'show me how it feels to be a part of a nearly extinct clan.'"

Jiraiya massaged his temple.

"I _told_ Naruto to give up on Sasuke… Damn. I'm too sober for this shit. Wanna get sloshed, hime?"

Tsunade's forced smile twitched as she looked at Jiraiya.

"Oh, Jiraiya… You know we don't have the time for that. Not with war on the horizon."

"You just don't want to ruin your chances with Dan!" The Toad Sannin accused. Tsunade rolled her eyes at that.

"Jiraiya, for all intents and purposes, I am twice Dan's age now. It has literally been three decades since I was last on the dating scene. When will you get it through your thick skull that I am _not_ a dainty maiden in the throes of love?"

Jiraiya stiffened at this. Mechanically he raised an arm and pointed straight at Tsunade, who was just a couple feet away from him.

"B-B-But hime… you look even _younger_ than you did three years ago…"

Tsunade narrowed her eyes.

"Drop the finger, Jiraiya, or it gets smashed."

"Will you look like a teenager when you're a hundred?!" Apparently Jiraiya wasn't listening. He adopted a dreamy expression. Which actually looked kind of disturbing on his slightly wrinkly face, made him look like an ugly mutt in Tsunade's eyes. "Although that is a very pleasant thought… Definitely a trap for youngsters, but…"

"Jiraiya… shut up…"

"You must prefer your men to be like the finest wine! Well-aged! We both know I'm the only one for you, hime! I know ya love me…"

WHAM! Jiraiya was suddenly propelled hundreds of feet in the air and sent careening who-knows-where. Tsunade's fist was still in the air for a while after that 'love tap.' Definitely a home run.

"I love you _that much_ , pervert." Tsunade smirked. Despite the distance he had flown, she could still hear a strangled cry of, "I knew it!"

Nawaki, who had been observing the exchange between Tsunade and Jiraiya with glazed eyes, wildly shook his head to get out of the stupor he had been in. Apparently, little had changed in all the time he had been gone, at least when it came to Tsunade's perverted teammate.

"Geez, Sis… He was just payin' you a compliment…"

Tsunade shot her baby brother a disarming smile.

"The pervert reaps what he sows, Bro. He reaps what he sows."

One did not simply tease a Lady about her age, after all. You're only as old as you feel, damn it.

* * *

Meanwhile, things had kind of gotten awkward for Naruto. He 'n Pervy Sage had split off when Tsunade dragged him off by the ear to treat that missing appendage, so Naruto found himself with nothing to do but ponder what the hell was goin' on. He had been the first one to discover an unconscious Obito, who was being treated by Rin Nohara. Being the overly forward individual he was, Naruto approached the brunette and shot off questions in rapid succession.

"Is Obito okay? Who're you? Are you an Inuzuka? Why've I never seen you around before?"

Rin was a bit taken aback by Naruto's numerous questions at first, but… upon closer inspection… the blond was kinda cute. And his curiosity was endearing, in a way. Rin's face flushed crimson once she realized she had been staring at Naruto's face for more than a couple minutes.

"Um… I think this guy is fine… he just fainted, I think. I'm Rin, by the way – no, I'm not an Inuzuka. And, um… I'm really not sure. I haven't seen you around either."

Naruto nodded thoughtfully at these answers. With Kurama's empathic powers, Naruto didn't have to worry if the girl was genuine or not.

"Well, I'm Naruto! It's nice to meet you, Rin. It's kinda weird you don't know who I am, but… Eh, it's okay! 'Bito does weird things like this sometimes. Don't worry about him; my Shadow Clones'll get him home in a jiff."

Rin's brow furrowed as that name came up again. She'd never heard of other Obito's before in the village. It didn't seem that popular of a name. As she watched the guy that couldn't be too much older than her make the hand seal and create two Shadow Clones that carried the white-haired man off, she stared at him curiously.

"Doesn't the Shadow Clone Jutsu take a lot of Chakra?"

"Tons, apparently," Naruto grinned cheekily. "But I got loads of the stuff, so I'll be okay."

Rin would have called his bluff on that, as she initially thought this guy was just trying to show off, but unlike her teammate Obito _this_ guy had a boatload of confidence and didn't show a sign of fatigue. That said an awful lot about his stamina…

"Do you know where Kakashi or Minato-sensei is?" Rin felt she had nothing left to lose by asking Naruto about them. They both should have been pretty famous by now.

Naruto's face scrunched up as he thought over her question – Rin thought that looked cute, too. A couple minutes later, Naruto shook his head.

"Nah… Kakashi-sensei could be anywhere, bein' the Hokage 'n all. And dad… haven't seen him all morning."

Rin froze as Naruto oh-so-casually said these things. That's when she slowly turned to look at the Hokage Monument and was surprised to see Lady Tsunade and Kakashi's faces next to Minato-sensei's. How had she _not_ noticed that before?

"Does… Does this mean I'm in the future?" Rin squeaked as she took a couple steps back from the Hokage Monument. Naruto looked perplexed by her query in general.

"The future?" That's when it hit Naruto; he _had_ seen this girl before, despite his initial insistence that he hadn't. But she had been a _memory_ , and supposedly long-dead. "Ohhh! You're _that_ Rin! Yeah… A lot's happened since you've been gone. But, um… I can help fill you in? Or help you look for dad? I'm a sensor, y'know."

Rin shakily turned to Naruto and got a good look at his face again. How had she not noticed _that_ , either? This guy was practically a clone of Minato-sensei, just with Lady Kushina's complexion. And that's when it hit her: She thought Sensei's son was _cute_. What was this world coming to?

… But then again… Kakashi would be even older. So he was no longer a dating option… not that she had very much hope for that happening when she last saw him, anyway.

"Naruto. Tell me everything. Please." Rin begged. She felt so lost and helpless… and Rin didn't like that. She could worry about her love life – or lack thereof – later. Right now she _really_ needed to be brought up to speed.

"Weeell… For starters, Obito didn't die at Kannabi Bridge…" Naruto gestured for Rin to follow him, and they began the trek to the Uzumaki Mansion. Wouldn't Mom, Dad, 'Bito, and 'kashi-sensei be surprised to see who he brought home for dinner?

* * *

 **-** _In a cavern beneath the Hidden Leaf… -_

"I just don't understand. Why the hell were we brought back here? The last thing _I_ remember is the Hidden Leaf _helping_ Hanzo ambush us!"

"That was Danzo Shimura's branch of Anbu, Yahiko… they weren't officially registered Hidden Leaf shinobi."

Yahiko rolled his eyes.

"Because that makes it _so_ much better. Official or not, the Hidden Leaf has an issue with churning out bastard shinobi… aside from Jiraiya-sensei. Is it something in the water? How else would you explain Madara Uchiha?"

Konan sighed at Yahiko's obstinance. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Believe me, Nagato and I felt that way for years… But Jiraiya-sensei eventually took on another student and managed to pass down his ways. We believed him to be the real Bridge to Peace."

Yahiko groaned at that.

"Not another one! How many's that now? Nagato thought _I_ was the Bridge to Peace; I thought _Nagato_ was the Bridge to Peace… Now some new kid is?"

"Regardless of who it is, I believe it is important that we support each other…" Konan remarked.

Yahiko shrugged.

"I guess," he conceded. He gestured to the dank cave in general. "So… why are we down here?"

"You insisted we find some place private until we worked out why we returned to life." Konan deadpanned. Yahiko nodded in remembrance.

"Oh, right… How did you die again?"

"Madara Uchiha. Yes, the same one that approached us all those years ago…"

"Damn. I knew we shouldn't have trusted him!"

The pair looked up as two new sets of footfalls echoed around the cavern. Though it was dark, Konan and Yahiko's eyes had adjusted to the darkness well enough to make out two cloaked men, one clearly taller than the other.

"You see, Itachi? I knew we weren't the only ones playing it cautious. It looks like Leader and his little lady friend are here, too."

Konan blinked as she realized who had just arrived. Well, shit. This would be awkward.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Yeeesss, a cliffhanger… evil, I know. I want to take my time with this interaction, though. That bit about Sasuke steering away from resurrecting Akatsuki members? There were maybe two more he resurrected; one because he was on 'friendly' terms with Itachi – we all know how Sasuke admires his brother… - and the other, well… that one will be very amusing to explain, when we get around to him.**

 **Remember: This is a crackfic. Crack!Kisame will not necessarily be evil like canon!Kisame. He'll be more amused about being brought back than anything else. :D And with Konan and Kisame having died around the same time as each other, of course each one isn't aware that the other died. It'll make things… chaotic. In the immortal words of crack!Itachi from 'The Somewhat Cracked Mind of Uchiha Itachi', "Chaos, but I hope it will be the fun sort."**

 **As for Rin's mini-crush on Naruto... this idea just greatly amused me. Don't knock it 'til you see what I have in store. Sooo awkward that I just _have_ to exploit it. You'll be seeing this crop up again... because Hinata might not like "competition" if you know what I mean... XD**

 **There's still so much I want to write on. I hope y'all stick around, duckies. :D**

 **Review Replies:**

 **reydrago: Nope. :D**

 **TheSilenceIsVast: 500 follows? Eh? Sorry, I didn't get that part… Thanks, though! Glad you enjoyed! :)**

 **Simgr101: Whoa there, I never mentioned anything about his motives for trying to change the world. The closest I came to that was mentioning Rin giving meaning to his life, and that was more in reference to that line he made to Kakashi and Minato back in the Fourth War, about how the world seemed darker when Rin died. Don't believe me? You can go look it up in both the manga and the anime; he mentioned that just as Naruto transitioned to attacking Madara after they extracted the Tailed Beasts from Obito. Sure, he's got other motivations and everything, but he's still got a massive crush on Rin. I'm just taking a crackfic style to the thing; he'll get better… kinda.**

 **If I ever include something like the scene you suggested, it'll be a while before that happens… Needless to say, things are gonna get hectic. For everyone.**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Eh. That's just how Kakashi rolls; in the end, all 'kashi wants is for Minato-sensei to feel a 'little' of the pain/trauma wrought by Kushina's return. XD Glad you enjoyed.**

 **Fallen's Child: Glad you liked it!**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Though at this point, she's kinda eligible for… other people. Obito miiight be giving Naruto the stink eye, if I go that route. XD**

 **Reading Pixie: Thanks for the review!**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: I quite liked that, too. Mikoto is much more fun being equally as dangerous as Kushina. :D Eh. Don't be in too much of a rush. Once the pieces fall into place for Rin, she's gonna be in shock that she's so far in the future. That's gonna take time to develop… of course, this is a crackfic, so time doesn't move at a reasonable pace… But it's the principle. XD Don't go jumping to conclusions; I can only make light of a war so much. A war is very unlikely to happen at this point. Oh, I plan for there to be one. Nagato might make a comeback, too. XD**

 **FictionLover12: Glad you like it so far… :D**

 **long live marshmallows: He was. But moms can be scary, too, y'know…**

 **MugetsuIchigo: Sorry to hear that. Sometimes I don't get e-mail notifications about readers reviewing… that's a recent development, too. But I'm happy that you're liking the returning characters. :D**


	6. Addendum 4

**Addendum Four: Itachi explains Life, the Universe, and Everything**

Itachi Uchiha and Kisame Hoshigaki came to a stop a few feet away from where Yahiko and Konan were sitting. If Konan had any less restraint, she would be slightly twitching at this point. As far as she recalled, Itachi and Kisame were both loyal members of the tainted Akatsuki that came into being after Yahiko died. Their presence made _no sense_.

"So, what's up?" Kisame asked casually after a lengthy period of awkward silence. He cocked his head slightly at Yahiko when he realized the man didn't have the Rinnegan. "Well, that's weird. Did the Rinnegan not work out, boss?"

Yahiko stared at the fish-man. And stared. And stared some more. From the corner of his mouth, Yahiko whispered to Konan.

"Why does some man-shark seem to know who I am…? And for that matter, why is he acting like I had Nagato's Rinnegan?"

Konan openly flushed, which spoke volumes to Yahiko. How exactly was she supposed to answer that? "Oh, sorry, after you died, your best friend gave you piercings all over and used your body in his quest for world domination?" … Yeah, no. That would be _awkward_. And _she_ would have to explain why she allowed it to happen.

Now more than ever Konan regretted giving into despair all those years ago. She _liked_ the symbolism of Yahiko leading the Akatsuki just as much as Nagato did, but… now that she reflected on it… That was pretty messed up.

"Um… I'll tell you about it later." Konan hesitantly answered her friend. Clearing her throat, she addressed the newcomers. "So... So I guess you came back, too, Itachi? Did Madara make this happen?"

Yahiko didn't like being left in the dark; it felt like Konan was hiding something, and he would not like whatever that turned out to be. Kisame would've been irritated, too, but he had a feeling he'd learn the truth at some point, so he was in no rush. He answered for Itachi.

"Nah… Tobi didn't have the Rinnegan, last I checked. My last mission was to gather intel on the Jinchuriki… that was not fun. Got caught by the Nine-Tails, tried to flee… Eye-Brows Man beat me with _Taijutsu_ alone… And I committed suicide by sharks to avoid giving intel to the enemy. I don't even know if my Summon made it back to Tobi with the intel I gathered…"

Konan raised an eyebrow.

"You died, too? I died trying to protect the Rinnegan from Madara, so… so he has to have the Rinnegan now. Both of them."

"Well, he's probably the one that resurrected us, then. Weird of him to resurrect so many other people, though… I swear I saw that one Sarutobi guy that Hidan purportedly killed. And Itachi's clan is back; I'd never seen so many Sharingan before… Except maybe in Tobi's lab, but those were in jars," Kisame mused to himself. "I didn't even know the Rinnegan could resurrect people. Leader never used that on Sasori, or Deidara, or Kakuzu…"

"Because the Rinne Tensei exchanges the user's life for those brought back…" Konan replied dryly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, can we back up, please?" Yahiko pleaded. He looked between Kisame and Konan. "Why doesn't Nagato have the Rinnegan anymore? Don't tell me he died, too!"

Kisame appeared confused, having never heard of Nagato before, and Konan looked genuinely remorseful. Yahiko sagged at that look. It just wasn't fair!

"At any rate…" Itachi spoke up for the first time, drawing the attention of the others. His obvious blindness in one eye was a bit off-putting at first, but Itachi moved on, "It was my foolish little brother who brought us all back… Not Madara. And to be honest… he went overboard."

Silence. So quiet that they could hear a pin drop. Yahiko didn't really understand, not having the foggiest notion of who Itachi was. Kisame was the first to find his voice.

"Itachi… what does that mean? For _you_ to think he went overboard… To top it off, he's the guy that _killed_ you, so why would he bring you back?"

Itachi stared at Kisame with his good eye.

"I mean, Kisame… that Sasuke systematically revived _a lot_ of people all over the elemental nations. Not just here."

… Nobody liked the sound of that.

* * *

"L-L-Lord Second! What are you doing here?!" A random Hidden Mist shinobi asked of the Second Mizukage, who casually sauntered into the village. "H-H- _How_ are you here?!"

Gengetsu sent the Chunin a wily smirk as he kept walking.

"Obviously, I walked. I don't know why I returned or how; the important thing is I'm _alive_ again, and I'm going to do what should have been done looong ago!"

"W-What's that?" The Chunin asked, trying to keep up with the Second Mizukage.

"The Hidden Mist will no longer be held to secrecy! I hate not leaving behind a bigger legacy, and it obviously screwed you guys up big time. From now on, we are going to flaunt _everything_. I refuse to let anyone else from the Hidden Mist be a puppet ever again!"

… Oh dear.

* * *

"Haku…"

"Yes, Master Zabuza?"

"… Why are we in Wave?"

"I do not know, Master Zabuza. I am as lost as you are."

"Are we puppets of that damn Reanimation Jutsu again? Kami help the Summoner if we are, because so help me…"

"I do not think we are Reanimations, Master Zabuza. Your irises are white, and your skin is flawless."

"… Well, good. I thought you looked a bit too clean for a Reanimation. But… Why the fuck are we in _Wave_?"

"Perhaps because we died here, Master Zabuza?"

Zabuza snorted.

"I doubt that. The Reanimation Jutsu brought us elsewhere… I'm getting the feeling someone brought us here because they thought they were being _funny_ … But they're not…" Zabuza growled lowly.

"Well, this land doesn't have a shinobi force, Master Zabuza…"

"Haku. I am not going to be the glorified babysitter of this village. I am _going_ to hunt down the jackass that brought me back, and I am going to _kill_ him for placing me here… I _do not like_ being forced to remember the memories associated with this place; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth."

"It wasn't all bad…"

"Speak for yourself. Hatake made a fool of me here, and we had to make use of that fake-death maneuver… We are leaving now."

"Yes, Master Zabuza…"

* * *

"Why… _Why_?! I don't _deserve_ a second chance at life!"

"No, no you don't," came the scathing reply of the Fourth Kazekage's female companion. Pakura might have warmed up to the younger generation, she was still bitter, especially to the man that had sacrificed her for an alliance that _didn't even pan out_.

Well, one of the men. There was that whole Council that sentenced her to death back then. But he was the _Kazekage_ , so he should take responsibility, too.

"Um… Shouldn't we focus on getting to the Hidden Sand?" Yashamaru piped up. They were in the middle of the desert, apparently, and were _alive_. So, you know, mortality and all that.

Hey, everyone might've been mobilized as Reanimations to return to each of their homes, but not all of them could reach home before they were brought back by Rinne Tensei. Not that Rasa, Yashamaru, or Pakura knew this yet.

Pakura snorted derisively at this. And she would have opted to ditch the pair of men in favor of going rogue, had Maki not entered her mind… _again_. Leaving her precious student alone in the village with the man that sentenced her to death… it just didn't sit right with her.

"Do we even know where we are?" Pakura deadpanned. A sheepish glance and a blank stare were the only answers she got. "… Fantastic…"

"Let's just keep heading straight!" Yashamaru tried to cheer the group up. "We've got nothing left to lose!"

"Except our lives… _again_ …" Pakura grumbled. But admittedly, it seemed like the sensible choice for the time being… Whoever brought them back might've wanted them to head to the Hidden Sand.

There would be absolute hell to pay when Pakura found out who resurrected them, though. She had been content with leaving the mortal coil for good, and then this crap happens… Yes, Pakura would be having words with the Summoner.

* * *

The Third Raikage was just as confused as the others that were brought back to the Hidden Cloud. Mabui, Motoi's father, Toroi, Fukai… Beyond those, there wasn't really anyone else. The Third Raikage's return was the most jarring, however.

And the man really didn't like the pity in the eyes of those that saw him… They were staring at the scar on his chest… as if they knew the story behind it.

Damn it! He didn't need their pity!

* * *

"Lord Mu… This comes as a surprise." Onoki muttered as he greeted his predecessor, who had flown all the way to his office.

"Onoki… I don't understand. I was ready to rest in peace, but now I'm _back_ …"

Onoki ran a hand through his beard thoughtfully.

"Apparently, someone wanted you back… These are strange times, Lord Mu."

"You're not going to make me take the hat up again… are you…?"

Onoki smirked devilishly.

"Now _there's_ something I didn't think about! I'm getting old, so I think I will let you take the reins again… You're young and spritely!"

Mu clasped his hands together.

"Onoki, _please_ … I don't want the hat again! If I'm back, then that damn Mizukage is, too… Not to mention the _paperwork_ …"

"Well…" Onoki was interrupted by an explosion that seemed to rock the whole village. The Third Tsuchikage then banged his head on his desk as he realized who _else_ must have returned…

"Deidara's back!" A random civilian called out somewhere in the village. Onoki started cursing profusely.

"Impudent brat…This is going to be _hell_ for whoever has to clean it up… So…" Onoki picked up the hat off the nearby hanger, leaped up, and plopped it on Mu's head. "Congratulations, Lord Mu! I hereby reinstate you as Tsuchikage! I. Am. Officially. _Retired_!"

With a giddy expression on his face, Onoki floated out of the office without so much as another word to his predecessor. Delightful cackles of, "I'm _freeeee_!" could be heard echoing down the halls.

Mu just whimpered.

* * *

Itachi nodded solemnly at the dumbfounded expressions of Kisame, Konan, and Yahiko.

"Yes… I imagine the world must be in glorious chaos right now… My foolish little brother feels no remorse, of course. He never was very good at taking responsibility for his actions…"

Kisame looked at Itachi strangely.

"Itachi… Why do you _approve_ of what Sasuke has done?"

Itachi looked just as perplexed as Kisame – though he was perplexed about Kisame's query than anything else.

"Because he is my foolish little brother, Kisame. He's matured into a true Uchiha."

"Sooo… He's crazy?"

"Kisame, I think you will find that the very best shinobi are little touched in the head… It is all a question of perspective. There is a reason that each member of Akatsuki was thought to be "crazy strong"…"

Silence. Pure, unadulterated silence.

"… Death must have addled your brains, Itachi."

"No, Kisame… I have just decided to embrace my Inner Uchiha. I feel a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders by doing so… It's so liberating."

"Riiight…"

* * *

"Oooh, my baby boy! I missed you so much!" Mikoto cooed as she hugged the stuffing out of Sasuke. Kushina smiled brightly as she continued her little game of Pin the Kunai on the Elders – Homura and Koharu were pinned to the wall, and Kushina was blindfolded, of course.

Sasuke blushed slightly and struggled to get out of his mother's grip.

"Mom, I'm _fine_ … I can handle myself."

"I know, dear…" Mikoto petted the top of his head. "I watched you take out Danzo from the afterlife… and I've never been… so… _proud_ …"

Was it possible for his mother to hug him any tighter? Because this was painful… and suffocating him…

"Mother… can't… breathe…"

Mikoto grudgingly let him go and let out a content sigh. She turned to Kushina with a Cheshire grin on her face.

"Kushina, Sasuke and I will be headed to Yakiniku Q's; did you want to join us?"

Kushina stuck her tongue out of her mouth in concentration as she aimed the kunai she was currently holding just a little below the belt. Homura elicited an uncharacteristic girlish shriek as the weapon narrowly missed his testicles. Kushina lifted her blindfold up barely enough for one eye to take a peek, and was disappointed she missed flesh all together. She smirked at Mikoto and waved her off.

"You and Sasuke should have the afternoon to yourselves, y'know! We can catch up at dinner. I'll be sure to bring the whole family over to the Uchiha Clan Compound… Does 7 sound good?"

Mikoto frowned minutely.

"The Compound was destroyed, remember, Kushina? Little Tenzo is still slaving away, creating housing for us."

Kushina laughed sheepishly as she recalled that.

"Oh, yeah! Well, just bring your family over then! I wanna see Itachi, too!"

"Sounds good. Come along, Sasuke," Mikoto ushered her son through the holes in the wall as Kushina reapplied her blindfold and pulled out one of Minato's three-pronged kunai.

"I've clearly gotten rusty at this game, y'know… I need a handicap!"

Again, Homura screamed at the sight of Kushina's weapon of choice, and Koharu shuddered. Kakashi? He was deader than dead when they got their hands on him… The _only_ thing that could make this worse was if Kushina forced them to take part in an Uzumaki-style game, where they would become what the Uzumaki called 'piñatas'. Mito had done that once, when they were children…

Oh yes, Kakashi would pay… Death was too good for a man with a black soul like him… the lowest depths of Hell would spit him out…

* * *

Rin was wide-eyed by the time she was seated in the living room and Naruto had revealed as much history as he could. Her mouth was agape, and Naruto wondered if he'd spilled too much at once… It was a lot to take in.

"Naruto, do you know where your friend Sasuke is?" Minato asked as he emerged from the kitchen slightly bandaged up. He had thoroughly tested the fact that he had a flesh and blood body again, and he wasn't exactly too pleased due to the fact that he was under contract to catch Tora whenever she escaped…

Which was often. So Minato might have been leaking a tiny bit of his Killing Intent to vent some frustration… Okay, a little _for him_ ; for anyone else it might be quite of bit of KI.

"Apparently, he went and turned himself in; Kaka-sensei and the Elders were interrogating him, but Ma kinda asked me about him already, since her best friend is back 'n all…

Minato blinked owlishly.

"Mikoto is back? Didn't she die in the Uchiha Massacre?"

"Well, yeah," Naruto muttered, shrugging helplessly. "But Sasuke kinda kept one of those Rinnegan and revived everybody. Sooo…"

Naruto trailed off and looked back at the still mute and very overwhelmed Rin. Minato looked at their guest for the first time and spluttered.

"R-R-Rin?! Sasuke brought her back, too?"

Naruto nodded emphatically.

"Oh yeah." He then smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "But I kinda… um… filled her in on all that's happened. She's been like this for the past half hour."

Minato very lightly glared at his son.

"How could you do that? That's a lot to take in."

Naruto waved his hands in a peaceful manner.

"I know, I know! I just… If I didn't get everything out in the open, she'd get mad that I didn't tell her. 'Bito apparently freaked out when he saw her; but some of my Clones carried him here, and he's resting in his room now. Haven't seen Kaka-sensei for a while."

Minato sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Well, if you told your mother about what was going on with Sasuke, he'll probably be away for the next several hours… That man can barely stand Kushina's reappearance; Mikoto's revival must be sending him over the edge…"

* * *

Kakashi rocked back and forth in the fetal position he was in and clutched his Icha Icha like a life line.

"I'm in my happy place… I'm in my happy place… I'm in my…" Kakashi shrieked as the images of Kushina and Mikoto together flashed in his mind. When he realized that they weren't in the Kamui dimension, he calmed back down right away. "I'm in my happy place…"

* * *

"I guess…" Naruto conceded. He looked at his dad curiously. "Was Sasuke's mom really all that bad?"

Minato chuckled and eye-smiled at his son.

"Not _bad_ , just… really like your mother. They must have been held in holding cells at the Uchiha Police Station on at least fifteen different occasions… Oh, the stories they will tell you…"

Because it wasn't a matter of 'if' they would tell Naruto; they would, one way or another. No doubt his son's prankster spirit would be making a return with those two around…

"Sen… sei…" Rin murmured as she started regaining her bearings. Minato was about to answer her when she lunged right at him and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, Sensei… I… I had no idea… Kakashi… and Obito…"

Minato hugged her back consolingly.

"It's okay, Rin… It wasn't your fault. You don't need to be sorry for anything."

Rin shuddered as she held back tears. She looked up at her Sensei with a serious expression.

"I need to talk to Obito."

 **Author's Note:**

 **I'm feeling generous, duckies. I felt really bad about giving you a short-ish update last night, so here's one of a similar length to offset that. :D Got into a 'few' more people that were brought back. And there's still more to cover. I like how this one turned out, though. ^^**

 **Did I mention you guys rock? This month, both the view and visitor counts are already close to TToNU's view and visitor counts, and we're only six chapters in. I love you guys so much. ^^**

 **Kudos to those who recognize the reference in the title… I wasn't really sure what to put, and that just popped into my head. XD**

 **Review Replies:**

 **reydrago: You and I are like-minded on that subject; what I meant by canon!Kisame being evil is that I was referencing that little scene where Naruto picked up on Kisame's sinister aura. Circumstances formed Kisame, just as they form any other character; Kisame was dissatisfied with the world as it was, so he threw in his support with Tobi. Tobi wanted to force a Tsukuyomi on the world because Madara manipulated him. And so on and so forth.**

 **FictionLover12: Glad you approve! ^^**

 **Kris Awesomeness: If you're referring to the members of Akatsuki, they technically are in the Hidden Leaf… just under it.**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Yeees indeedy. Obito might be joining him soon. :D Canon seemed to think they were still an option when Tsunade was about to die in the war and Dan saved her; I just thought it was creepy. Poor Jiraiya... seemed like he had a chance with Tsunade after he died, but then Kishimoto pulls an, 'lol nope' and reunites Dan and Tsunade for a moment or two. :P I love Rin-chan. So fun to write. :D I believe you have brought it up before… I will do my best to live up to your praise. XD**

 **Simgr101: Don't worry about it; I just wanted to clarify things for you. I dunno when I'll get around to that bit for 'Bito… All depends on 'kashi, really. Yahiko's definitely not gonna like hearing what happened to the Akatsuki after he was gone… ^^;**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: I have been updating the summary; technically, this** _ **is**_ **a two-parter. All these addendums are bonuses, if people are into that… which they seem to be. XD I originally was gonna make them separate bonuses, showing different aspects/scenes so that if someone didn't really like a bonus, then they could ignore it. As it is, they've connected rather nicely so far… Whoops. ^^; But they've been fun. Mikoto-chan will be having a chat with her son next time… probably… and some heads are gonna roll for how he grew up. Glad to see you're in agreement about Rin; I definitely don't see canon!Rin turning out like this, but this is a crackfic… But it's more fun to make her out to be somewhat of a fangirl – and I do have a backup solution if I don't go the polygamy route. Think a little younger but someone still associated with Naruto, and you'll have your answer… XD See, see, even** _ **Itachi**_ **is being affected now. Minato was already beginning to crack, thanks to Tora. XD**


	7. Addendum 5

**Addendum Five: New and Improved Chaos - Now Available in Uzumaki Flavor**

"Greetings!"

Tsunade swiveled her head to face the entrance of the Senju Compound. A man that seemed _vaguely_ familiar, like she had seen him one time but she just couldn't dredge up the memory, came running up to her, waving all the way; the man was in formal black clothes, and was bald on the top of his head yet had very red hair along the sides of his head and very red sideburns. He looked slightly old – perhaps a little younger than Sarutobi-sensei had been when he had died.

"Minarai Uzumaki, funeral director," the aged man bowed deferentially to Tsunade and handed her one of his business cards. Tsunade eyed the card incredulously.

"Uzumaki? That can't be correct… Oh." Tsunade stood rigid as she realized what had happened. Damn Sasuke Uchiha… Damn him to hell!

Obliviously, Minarai smiled at her.

"On behalf of the Uzumaki Clan, I offer my sincerest condolences for what happened to the Senju Clan."

Tsunade narrowed her eyes.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, just recently I returned to life! And after walking around the village a while, I was so shocked to find out that the Senju Clan has dwindled down to so few members! When I lived here, there were still quite a few running around… I don't know how much time has passed, but I _had_ to hurry over and offer my services. After all… the Uchiha Clan certainly won't lift a finger to bury your dead."

Tsunade twitched slightly at this. The way this old man was talking… he might have _lived_ here in the Leaf Village before, but _why_ wasn't he ringing any bells? _Something_ was tugging at the corner of her memory, but she _just couldn't remember_. The _only_ Uzumaki that had lived in the Leaf Village had been Mito and Kushina… at least to her knowledge.

Regardless of who this was, he had clearly been gone _a very long time_. Brazenly bringing up her practically extinct clan _hurt_.

"Now I remember why it was so hard to get along with you guys… Based on the few Uzumaki I met when I was a kid, I was never really a fan of Granny Mito's side of the family… And just recently that opinion was beginning to change, too…"

"Oh, yes, we do tend to antagonize! Ahahaha!"

And people wondered why the Uzumaki Clan was wiped out. It wasn't because they were so powerful with Sealing Jutsu – although they _were_ very adept at that. No, no, the Uzumaki Clan got exterminated because they were so overly forward and were so completely ignorant of tact that they stomped on too many damn toes because of it.

Some thought the Uzumaki were mean-spirited, but actually their philosophy was to hold nothing back. Uzumaki had the exact _opposite_ problem of those who kept their emotions bottled up… That's why so few became shinobi. Not because they couldn't murder or commit other various shinobi acts, they could do those things just fine, but because they were so un-shinobi in the way they presented themselves. They were horrible on infiltration missions… and they pissed off clients more often than not. Just by being themselves.

"Just answer me one question, Minarai. If you lived here in the Leaf Village before, why don't I remember you? When I was growing up, no other Uzumaki lived here except my grandmother, Mito."

Genuine confusion flitted across Minarai's face as he pondered her query. Then, as if the confusion had never been there, the redhead's face lit up in understanding.

"Ah! My presence had to be more discreet. You see…" He moved closer to Tsunade and cupped one hand to the side of his mouth as his voice became a whisper. "Years ago, we transported a special series of artifacts here. I was entrusted as the guardian of the shrine, but I was not allowed to reveal my true purpose to the people – with the exception of the Second Hokage and his Council – so I took up the position of funeral director. The masks were better kept safe here, you see; too tempting for one of the Uzumaki Clan to spontaneously use."

Masks… Shrine… Funeral director… Now Tsunade finally placed the face. This was the guy who oversaw the funerals and burials for her grandfather, grand-uncle, and other various Senju back in the day. She narrowed her eyes at Minarai.

"How did _you_ die? You just disappeared one day."

Minarai looked sheepish at this question.

* * *

He couldn't take it anymore… Minarai just _had_ to know if the genuine Mask was here. Why would his clan entrust the Mask with the Hidden Leaf? It called up the Shinigami, for crying out loud!

So many of his clan had offered up their souls to the Shinigami over the millennia to seal all sorts of Demons away. Oh, they'd come up with more pragmatic Seals that _didn't_ require their very souls since those ancient times, but the Death Reaper Seal was by far the most efficient method… So to entrust the Mask that called up that very Shinigami to another village, even an ally one, was simply unheard of.

Minarai took one last look around each shoulder to be sure he was alone, and then swiftly made his way into the shrine, past all the fakes. At last he came to a stop before a mask that looked just like the rest, and picked it up off the shelf. Without another thought, Minarai put it on… The Shinigami materialized, cut open Minarai's stomach, and hundreds of Uzumaki souls escaped from the belly of the Shinigami…

And a pale, raven-haired child who had discreetly followed Minarai to the shrine required much therapy after bearing witness to the event.

* * *

"… It was all quite exciting," Minarai giggled gleefully at the memory. Sure, he'd died, but he got a second lease on life! And with how tense the village seemed to be, Minarai suspected that his services would be needed very soon… Oh, how he loved his job. He was so very good at it, if he said so himself.

Tsunade twitched violently at Minarai's recalling of his death. So _that_ was how Orochimaru knew about the shrine and which was the true Mask… She'd called bullocks when he regaled that part of the war to her. Even _she_ , the Fifth Hokage, wasn't aware of that shrine's existence. Sure, according to Minarai it was at the edge of the whole village, and completely abandoned, but still.

"Well… It has been absolutely wonderful having you here, Minarai," Tsunade's forced smile twitched. "Why don't I take you over to the Uzumaki Mansion? I'm sure Kushina would be delighted to see you."

Minarai's eyes _sparkled_.

"Uzumaki that don't live in the Senju Compound? Remarkable! I was not aware that we had sent other Uzumaki to live here aside from Lady Mito and myself."

Tsunade was wary of the somewhat flighty old man before her; the older someone was, the more powerful they were likely to be. He might very well be a funeral director, but Uzumaki were multitaskers out of principle. For all Tsunade knew, this old coot could whip up a Seal that brought the moon down on them. Or made the Earth implode. Or any other number of horrible, apocalyptic things. Never ask _why_ when it comes to the Uzumaki; if it's possible to do something _they will find a way_. Which really begged the question of _how_ the Uzumaki got exterminated with that kind of power… But then, the Uchiha got wiped out, too, so anything was possible.

"Yeah… Okay. I'll take you there now." Tsunade set a rigid pace, and Minarai trailed behind her, obviously giddy at the prospect of meeting new family.

The Uchiha, Dan, Nawaki, Kushina, and Jiraiya? Tsunade was coming to grips with their return. But _another_ Uzumaki? Sasuke had better not have revived the whole Uzumaki Clan, or he was going to be her fucking kickball when she got her hands on him…

* * *

The first thing that Deidara saw when he regained consciousness was a note that was plastered over his eyes. It was a simple note, maybe just two or three lines of text. It wasn't an explosive note, so Deidara relaxed marginally upon peeling it off his forehead.

And then promptly lost it after reading the message.

 _'Yes, I brought you back, too… You are too far beneath me to worry over.'_

That was as far as Deidara got before he crumpled the note and dug deep into his clay pouch.

"Fucking Uchiha and their fucking overconfidence… I will _make_ Sasuke feel my Art this time, yeah! He will _rue the day_ he made me waste my C0! ART IS AN EXPLOSION!"

And then Deidara asploded much of the village… which resulted in the Third Tsuchikage's retirement and the Second Tsuchikage's reinstallation…

* * *

Neji eyed Hinata curiously as she put a little more effort into one of her daily spars with Hanabi. He'd been back only a short while, but Hinata had been happy the last few days with his return – as well as her mother's. Neji knew something had upset her on this day, because she was a hair trigger away from whipping out the Twin Lion Fists. In a spar. On Hanabi.

If Lady Hanabi antagonized her older sister like she normally did in these spars…

"Come, Hanabi, give me all you've got!" Hinata snapped as she kept pace with Hanabi. Another irregularity; Hinata preferred to hide the fact she could go toe to toe with Hanabi with relative ease. She just didn't want Hanabi to be branded with the Caged Bird Seal.

"What's gotten into you today?" Hanabi asked. Her eyes sparkling with mischief, she said, "Trouble in paradise?"

Neji winced as Lady Hinata's expression became downright surly. Mechanically, Neji turned and walked away from the arena. He'd been through this nightmare before; he had no desire to revisit it…

"Say… that… again…" Hinata growled.

Hanabi wiggled her eyebrows and smirked mischievously.

"Naruto's found another girl, hasn't he…? Gak!" Hanabi squeaked as she was suddenly hoisted off the floor by Hinata, whose eyes were blazing with righteous rage.

"That is _not_ true! That bitch just… knows Naruto as a family friend… That's all…" Hinata said, though it was distinctly clear that she was _not_ sure. Not sure at all. She had just happened upon the scene between Naruto and the brunette; she didn't really hear what was being said, because the brunette's face was red and her heart rate had been slightly elevated.

The telltale signs of a crush, in other words. Naruto gave no such indications that he reciprocated… yet… But it was the principle. That teenager was eying _her_ property. Hinata would not take that lying down…

"Um… I'm sorry? I didn't know! Could you let me go, Sis?" Hanabi begged.

Hinata, knowing she was speaking the truth, calmed down enough to gently let Hanabi down. She then made a half bow to Hanabi and took her leave; she needed a better sparring partner to let off some steam… Neji had conspicuously gone missing, so perhaps Father would be willing to go a few rounds?

Father was very good at talking down to her… The more rage she let off, the better. Whether or not Hiashi survived would be another story…

* * *

Now that everyone had calmed down about his miraculous return, Shikaku felt it was prudent to speak with his son… alone. It had been two years since his death, and Shikaku needed a question answered.

"Shikamaru… Were you able to…?"

Shikamaru looked at his dad somewhat strangely.

"Did I what? … Oh." Understanding dawned on Shikamaru, and he breathed a slow, heavy sigh. "Yeah… I took care of it."

Shikaku smiled appreciatively at his son and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks… That's been bothering me ever since I came back to life. You do your old man proud."

Shikamaru twitched.

"Yeah, you're in the clear, troublesome old man… Whether or not _I'll_ ever be in the clear again is another story. Do you have any idea how awkward that was for me?"

"What? Does Yoshino think…?"

Shikamaru laughed bitterly.

"Mom? I _wish_ it had been her. She'd know better. _She's_ not the most troublesome woman in my world anymore… She still gives me strange looks sometimes, even after she… took care of that stash."

Shikaku looked at his son skeptically until realization dawned on him. He looked at Shikamaru pitifully.

"Shit… You poor, poor bastard… How's that long-distance relationship working out?"

Shikamaru twitched again.

"Shut up. Or I'll tell her that was all you – you should be thanking me, 'cause despite how much trouble it was, I never sold you out."

Shikaku stiffened at this revelation.

"You're the best son in the world… Wanna play a game?"

Shikamaru smirked.

"That's more like it…"

* * *

An uncomfortable silence settled between the two. Obito had regained consciousness, the door to the room had been closed and locked, and Minato had applied privacy seals at Rin's request. Obito lay in his bed, and in sat at the foot of the bed.

In other words, they were alone, and no one would eavesdrop on them.

"I heard everything from Naruto…"

Obito suddenly felt very, very cold… _Everything_? Naruto wasn't aware of all the circumstances that led him to be the man that started the Fourth Shinobi World War. Those circumstances by no means excused what he had done, but basically, if Naruto purely told everything from his perspective, then he was screwed. He'd fallen into the Curse of Hatred hook, line, and sinker, and he'd caused a lot of grief.

Most of which may have been done away with because his little cousin had done something so monumentally stupid, but that didn't make everything right again. Obito knew that.

"R-R-Rin…" Obito tried to find the words, but nothing could really convey how sorry he was now. He might've had the bestest of intentions, but Obito had still done many horrible things. Unforgivable things. Obito could say 'sorry' until he was blue in the face, and it still wouldn't be enough.

Death was the only thing he deserved. A slow, painful death.

"Shh," Rin placed a pointer finger over his lips. Her face was solemn but not harsh, which greatly confused Obito. "You hurt a lot of people. You pretended to be someone you're not. And you warred against the world in the name of peace."

Obito flinched at each accusation. It was all true. So much truth…

"… And yet you came back, like you always do." Obito blinked owlishly as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Rin went on, "You can never walk a straight path, can you, Obito? You always have to help the elderly, even if they're sociopathic recluses…"

Obito froze at this remark. How could Rin possibly know what happened? He hadn't _told_ anyone of what Madara did to him, beyond Kakashi and Minato-sensei, and even then it was the vaguest of outlines… All he told them was that he felt despair when Rin died, and that he took up Madara's name as he scoured the world for hope – and ultimately not finding any.

Not exactly the whole story at all.

"Naruto entered your head, remember?" Rin offered a small smile, as if reading his mind. "He didn't see very many specific memories, but he experienced some of the despair you felt back then… When Naruto mentioned that there seemed to be connection with you and the real Madara Uchiha, I kind of put two and two together. It isn't very hard to work out, Obito."

Obito was at a complete loss. He had forgotten that Naruto seemed to briefly hesitate when extracting the Tailed Beasts… So his emotions had literally touched Naruto? And here he thought Naruto had been exaggerating a little all this time…

"You don't have to tell me exactly what happened, Obito." Rin went on. "The important thing is that you're back, in both mind and body. I don't know if you fully realize it, but Madara used you; he likely manipulated and molded you. I guess we'll never know for sure, but if you did witness my death, don't you think that was a little too convenient? What about Minato-sensei's absence? Madara even had a motive: You would be his successor."

Obito sank further into the bed as he thought about it… really, _really_ thought about it. The stars did align a little too perfectly back then… Tragic, but true. Of course they'd never know for sure without resurrecting the old bastard and asking him, which would never, ever happen again, but Rin's theory did hold water.

How could he have been so blind?

"Rin… I'm sorry…" Obito whispered as it all sank in for him. He had fucked up even worse than he had initially imagined.

"None of that," Rin lightly admonished him. "If anyone's sorry, it's _me_ for not being there in your darkest hour. You're only human, Obito; you fell into an abyss of despair, but _you came back out_. Not everyone is that lucky. Learn from your mistakes and move on; ironically, everything's set right again. Don't ruin it by killing yourself – we still care about you, Obito."

… This was not how Obito envisioned the conversation would pan out…

* * *

It was around mid-afternoon when Kakashi emerged from the Kamui dimension and returned to his office. Despite still being in a very fragile state, Kakashi was resolved to carry out his duties as Hokage. He could not abandon his post because he was scared stiff by a couple of… women…

Kakashi idly accepted an urgent missive from a rather pale-looking Jonin from the decryption department. Something about the Uzumaki Clan requesting a temporary home until the Land of Whirlpools was rebuilt… Kakashi didn't really catch everything the nervous Jonin had to say, what with him still being out of it and…

… Wait a second…

* * *

Sasuke, Mikoto, Itachi, Kisame, Yahiko, and Konan all sat together in a booth at Yakiniku Q's. It was a somewhat awkward affair, because Kisame, Yahiko, and Konan didn't know Itachi's family in the slightest… Well, except for Sasuke, but Kisame and Konan didn't know the boy – young man - very well on account of him being Tobi's 'associate' only a short while before they died.

Yahiko was completely lost.

But still. Mikoto had 'insisted' (read: made use of Shadow Clones to drag them) that Itachi and his gaggle of friends join her and Sasuke for lunch. Because even though Itachi had killed her, there were no hard feelings. She was genuinely curious about getting to know Itachi's 'friends'. They all seemed so very interesting – and to top it off, Itachi was beginning to act like a true Uchiha. How could Mikoto be angry with her son after such obvious signs of improvement?

"So you joined up with an S-Rank organization bent on world domination? Good for you, Itachi!"

The fact that Itachi had done so only to spy on the group was negligible. Itachi had purportedly mind-fucked his brother and many other people throughout the years, so Mikoto was willing to ignore a detestable Senju ideal implanted into her son… Not that there was anything _wrong_ with protecting the village. Mikoto actually preferred living in the Leaf Village; everything was now perfect with Kushina and Minato's return. It's just that, well… Mikoto took the Elders using her son as a tool about as well as Sasuke took it when he heard the tale from Obito…

Which is to say, she had literally engraved a reminder into their table that she had to stop by to see the old coots again after lunch… Hopefully Kushina would be kind enough to leave enough for her to toy around with… Oh, what was she saying? Kushina was always kind and considerate when it came to such things…

And then there was the matter of Orochimaru, who had tainted her son and tried to take over his body… She could appreciate the Snake Sannin encouraging Sasuke's revenge tendencies, but the man had gone too far. He had given Sasuke a _hickey_ , and that was enough for Mikoto to hunt him down and give him a piece of her mind. And her katana.

"Now what were you saying, dear?" Mikoto prompted her youngest son with an eye smile, breaking away from her ruminations on what she would be doing to the Snake Sannin when she caught up to him…

"I need Itachi to release Nagato's soul." Sasuke said simply. Yahiko and Konan stared at the Uchiha like he had grown a second head.

Itachi just raised an eyebrow at his foolish little brother…

 **Author's Note:**

 **The OC known as Minarai is brought to you by this past weekend's episode of Doctor Who… I loved the character of Prentis so much that I took some of his quirks – and even a quote or two – and transplanted them into an OC. R.I.P., Prentis. x.x**

 **To be fair, I just took advantage of a loophole… We never saw hide nor hair of the 'Uzumaki Shrine' before Orochimaru led Team Taka to it, and it was never really explained who brought it out to the Hidden Leaf. Sure, you could assume it was Kushina, but… Eh. The origins are too vague; so I made a 'third' Uzumaki of the Leaf Village… that might not be around long if he upsets too many people (both in the story and you guys). XD**

 **If I'm making the Uzumaki too crazy, lemme know. I honestly like the thought of Naruto's clan being just as… eccentric… as Sasuke's. :D**

 **Thanks to all that reviewed, fav'ed, and alert'ed. ^^**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Mwahahaha. :D Glad you're liking all the returnees thus far. ^^ And still much more to come. :D**

 **ultima-owner: Thanks!**

 **Simgr101: Nooope. It did not turn out that way at all. There will be plenty of time for angry!Rin later. XD Nagato's return might be sooner than you think… ^^ And only one Rinnegan was destroyed so far. Kakashi and the Elders kinda stowed away the other… For emergencies, y'know.**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Oooh. I made you laugh out loud. That's an accomplishment. :D**

 **MaximoCore: Thanks! Those parts were especially fun to write. ^^**

 **Fallen's Child: Thanks for reviewing!**

 **Tobee: Thanks for the reviews!**

 **TheSilenceIsVast: Ah. My bad. Glad to see you're still tuning in. ^^**

 **FictionLover12: Glad to see you're enjoying it!**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Lots and lots of potential… Thanks for the reminder about Shikaku! I'd only just remembered the Uzumaki, too… And the crazy part is that we've seen so little of them that my interpretation might not be too far off… Oh, who'm I kidding? They're totally bonkers in this crackfic. :P**


	8. Addendum 6

**Addendum Six: Or, Whatever happened to Sakura?**

Sakura liked to think she had become one of the finest kunoichi in the entirety of shinobi history, she really did. Sure, she had a bit of a… flaky… start, but she had matured rather nicely. Under Tsunade's tutelage, Sakura had gained the power to level small mountains, heal just about any injury, and have the confidence to stand up to S-Rank missing-nin. She hadn't felt like a helpless little girl in years.

So why was Sakura Haruno in critical condition in the ER room of the Hidden Leaf Hospital?

* * *

 _\- Flashback no Jutsu… -_

It all started when Sakura had been invited over for dinner at the Uzumaki household. Sakura had stressed that she was simply accepting Naruto's invitation because it was the polite thing to do, and that she was interested in getting to know the Fourth Hokage and his wife better. Naruto still had no chance when it came to getting a date out of her; her heart belonged to Sasuke-kun and Sasuke-kun _alone_. Naruto's constant pestering was so annoying and immature – and totally different from her… efforts… to get a date out of Sasuke. There just wasn't an ounce of True Love on Naruto's side; but Sakura had that going for her all the way. Cha!

At any rate. The dinner started off nicely enough – the main course was some of Kushina's home-cooked ramen, which honestly wasn't all that bad despite Sakura's slight distaste for what was normally a fattening food. Hell, it could give Ichiraku's a run for its money; Sakura said as much, but was chastised immediately as that was "sacrilege," according to Kushina. The young housewife had evidently put Ichiraku's up on an insurmountable pedestal.

Aside from the Fourth Hokage being a Reanimation and Naruto's attempts at flirting, the dinner was a really lovely affair. Sakura could definitely see some of Minato and Kushina's quirks shine through Naruto, _and_ she got some tips from Kushina in regards to securing the man of her dreams… She just had to be aggressive… er… persistent. Sasuke-kun could not be allowed to refuse her advances anymore. If that took brute force, a little Genjutsu, and holing him up in the basement of her parents' house until he conceded to her whims, then so be it. Who knows? Sasuke might like that kind of girl.

That agreeable, friendly atmosphere was shattered in a single instant.

"So, when can I expect grandkiddies?" Kushina's eye-smile belied a very ominous emotion; Sakura really couldn't look 'underneath the underneath' in this instance. Apparently this was some kind of test.

"Oh, Naruto and I are just friends. Really good friends. Aren't we, Naruto?" Sakura's grin was slightly twitchy, and Naruto caught the connotation of the query. If he didn't cede to Sakura's subtle demand, he was paste.

"Um… We sure are, Sakura-chan." Naruto delicately gave a neutral response.

Somehow, Sakura suspected this deflection was _not_ what Kushina was looking for. That ominous feeling was back tenfold, and Sakura didn't like it. Not one bit.

"Oh, is that so? Minato had given the impression that you _were_ dating my son. Naruto confirmed this in the war when you three were together briefly, didn't you Naruto?"

Now Naruto was stuck between a rock and a hard place… Those who defied Ma tended to 'disappear.' Or at least wind up in intensive treatment. He was pretty sure he had clarified that Sakura-chan _wasn't_ his girlfriend _yet_ , but he very much wished that was so. He'd done so when Kushina brought up the issue a couple days after the war wrapped up; he didn't want to fib to his parents anymore, and he didn't want Sakura-chan to tan his hide for 'ruining her chances with Sasuke-kun.'

Obviously Ma was up to something here. He really didn't want to find out what that was, but he had very little choice…

 _'Sorry, Sakura-chan…'_

"Well, what I meant was, I really, really wanna date Sakura-chan. Is that okay, Sakura-chan?"

A tick mark appeared on Sakura's forehead and out of habit she bashed Naruto over the head with her fist.

"Na. Ru. To! I will never, _ever_ date you, you _idiot_!"

After that, all Sakura remembered was _pain_ …

* * *

That was two years ago now.

Naruto had tried to explain him being an idiot and Sakura walloping him was the norm for them, but Kushina would hear none of that. After all, Kushina insisted she never beat up Minato that often back in the day… Never mind the fact she beat up anyone that teased her. Or looked at her funny. Or was being an idiot.

No, no, no. Naruto was _not_ an idiot, because that would make _Kushina_ an idiot by default. No, what Sakura 'usually did' was considered abuse in Kushina's eyes, and Sakura learned very quickly that one did not simply abuse Kushina's loved ones. Especially her immediate family. Particularly her son.

Now, Sakura was a medical-nin. A _gifted_ medical-nin. Any injury incurred by Kushina, Sakura could heal. This brought Sakura much confidence in the beginning; training under Tsunade was torturous. There was no way that Kushina could be remotely as bad as Tsunade-sensei… Oh, but Sakura learned very, _very_ quickly how wrong she was in that assumption. If anything, Sakura's resiliency made things _worse_.

Kushina relished in a challenge. _Relished_ in it. It was Kushina's sacred mission to deliver appropriate beatdowns to those who deserved it; those who hurt her loved ones. Five years is an awful long time to accumulate… punishment. Sakura getting back on her feet in a matter of minutes? That just made the next beatdown twice as bad. Sakura resisted each beatdown, but somehow that made things even worse than they already were.

It didn't matter if she was Tsunade's apprentice. Sakura could sometimes hold her off, but the Red Hot Habanero would always get the drop on her in an unsuspected way later.

 _That_ was how Sakura ended up in critical condition in the ER at the Hidden Leaf Hospital, two years after a simple dinner... Of course she could work on her own injuries, but Sakura found if she actually took the natural path of healing, Kushina wouldn't haunt her bedside… much. The Red Hot Habanero was. Always. Watching. Hospitalization would delay the next beatdown; how long all depended on Sakura. That was how Sakura likened her current state to a feeling of helplessness… Because despite how far she had come, Sakura had found someone that could not only go toe to toe with her but was still so far above and beyond what she was capable of… Kushina was basically a one-woman army, even without the Nine-Tails within her. Sakura believed every single one of those horror stories about Kushina now…

If Kushina was to be believed, she only had 'one more year to go' before her torment was over… Sakura had never been more thankful that Naruto had gone on that training trip with Jiraiya. She wasn't sure if she could take _five_ years of Kushina's torture, let alone the 'lenient three' that she had been sentenced to.

And that was how Sakura came to develop a mild case of Kushina-phobia…

* * *

Tsunade was on a direct course for the Uzumaki Mansion; nothing would stop her from getting rid of her little… tagalong as quickly as possible. At least, that's what she thought.

"Do you think we could stop for a minute, Lady Tsunade?"

Tsunade froze in her tracks. She rounded on the batty old man and sharpened her gaze.

"What."

Minarai looked off to the side somewhat sheepishly.

"Well, it's just that I don't have much currency ever since returning to life… I only need about five minutes to rectify this. Ten at most. I would like to bring a little welcoming gift to my… relatives."

Tsunade arched an eyebrow.

"How exactly do you plan to get money in that kind of time? A loan?"

Minarai giggled at that.

"Oh, no, no, no! Uzumaki never have need for loans, unless we are the ones to be doing the lending. No… This casino should suit my needs just fine."

Tsunade's eyes widened as she realized they were standing right outside of a casino. How the hell had she missed that? … Never mind. Stupid question.

"That's kind of risky, don't you think?" Tsunade knew from experience. Dumbass debt collectors…

Minarai stared at Tsunade somewhat curiously.

"You really don't know, do you? This will be quite amusing, then. Could I borrow just a few ryo?"

Tsunade narrowed her eyes but did as the old codger said. She then followed the man into the establishment with a frustrated expression on her face. When she came out about fifteen minutes later, Tsunade was _gushing_. And carrying a fairly sizeable bag of cash; Minarai carried two other bags of similar size. They carried these bags because they wouldn't fit in the storage scroll that Minarai had in one of his pockets. A storage scroll that had even more bags of money stored away.

In simple terms, Tsunade went in expecting to have to _owe_ that money to the casino, but had come out with more money than she knew what to do with… besides blowing it all on high-quality sake.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me you were a master gambler?! I think I'm in love!"

Minarai chuckled.

"Oh, I'm not a 'master gambler, Lady Tsunade – I'm just very lucky at games of chance. It's not just me, either. All Uzumaki have Kami's Luck going for them in most circumstances! We don't even have to cheat; the cards will always be in our favor. Establishments like this one tend to hate us for participating… But with the Uzumaki being gone for so long, I believe this particular establishment has forgotten that. We Uzumaki literally cannot lose unless we face one another… Then it all depends on which one Kami favors more. It's quite amusing."

That might explain why it took Naruto to defeat Pain, but at this point the Slug Sannin just didn't care. Tsunade rubbed the bag of money affectionately across her cheek.

"Yes… Yes, it is. Here I thought that luck thing was restricted to Naruto because he was the Child of Prophecy or whatever… but if your whole _clan_ can bankrupt casinos…!"

Tsunade squealed with joy, and Minarai sweatdropped. Gambling was just a means to an end for Minarai, but apparently it was much more for Tsunade… Something of an obsession – though _she_ wouldn't call it such. What strange cultures there are in this world.

"Do you believe I have sufficient funds to stay with them now?" The redhead asked out of curiosity. Tsunade just stared at him in disbelief.

"Hell no. You're staying with _me_. I'm retired now, so if I wanna blow money on a trip to Tanzuka Gai, then I'm damn well gonna do it! And you're gonna be my little money-maker!"

… Oh dear. Perhaps he had revealed that Uzumaki Family Secret a bit too hastily?

* * *

The Great Toad Elder formerly named Gamamaru had been at a loss for over two years now. He had a couple prophecies, y'see. Prophecies that were meant to be etched in stone and unchangeable; prophecies that were ultimately happy endings, if a bit sad as well because of what was sacrificed for them. Yet somehow, some way, those inevitable fates were dashed. As if they had been inconvenient or something.

Gamamaru could no longer see into the future. All that remained was the static you sometimes see on those new-fangled television screens. Anything could happen.

"I did warn Hagoromo to keep an eye on all his kids… all eleven of 'em. Oh well. Not my problem anymore. I quit."

* * *

Kabuto was happier than he had been in a very long time. Certainly, he was content to become the caretaker of the orphanage that he spent his childhood in; it was where he was supposed to be. His home. Kabuto had even reconnected with the one he had called 'brother' at one time.

Nevertheless, life at the orphanage would never be the same again. His numerous years as a missing-nin aside, Kabuto's 'mother' was gone, and would never be coming back. That's what Kabuto thought when he took up the job as caretaker of the orphanage.

So why is it, two years later, that Kabuto found himself working alongside the woman he had looked up to the most? Kabuto posed this query to himself quite a few times before coming to the conclusion that he just didn't care. Nono was back. That's all that mattered.

* * *

With that much needed conversation with Obito out of the way, Rin had to admit that she was somewhat at a loss in terms of what she would do now. Minato-sensei had apparently been summoned to a meeting with Kakashi. For what Rin didn't know, but apparently Kakashi was in a very delicate state of mind, and it wouldn't do any good to go see him now no matter how much she may have wanted to. Lady Kushina was off doing… something… Neither Naruto-kun nor Minato-sensei were really sure about her current whereabouts; but they both seemed to be in agreement that somebody was getting their just desserts. Or something.

There were others of her old generation that Rin could check up on, but Rin wasn't really feeling inclined to visit them just yet. For one, Guy had become even more youth-obsessed over the years, and had apparently passed on his 'Youth' to Naruto's generation in the form of his student Rock Lee. Rin _would_ visit Guy sooner or later, but she felt like she wouldn't be able to reasonably handle 'two Guys' at this point in time. Not while she was still processing everything Naruto-kun had told her.

Rin had never felt a particular attachment to either of Guy's teammates, but it might be nice to catch up with Ebisu or Genma. Only problem was that they had been Guy's teammates at one point in time, so there was still the possibility of running into him… So they were ruled out.

Asuma was apparently revived around the same time as Rin, but he had been conspicuously absent, and Rin had a feeling that Kurenai was involved somehow… So they were out, too. Anko might have been an option, but… she'd changed a lot over the years, according to Obito. Enough to resemble Lady Kushina in some ways, which kinda filled Rin with dread. Anko had been more like Rin than anything else back in the day – sure, a little more outgoing, but still somewhat reserved and nice, always reverent of her Sensei. If Anko had gone through such an attitude adjustment over the years, what hope was there for Rin? Not to mention the attitude adjustments that Kakashi and Obito went through…

Rin didn't want to change that much. Seeing how eccentric everyone had become in the time she had been gone, Rin felt overwhelmed and left behind. And now she fit more into Naruto-kun's generation. A generation that had just emerged from a war, thus leaving a mark on history; a generation that she knew virtually nothing about, save for the fact that many were Clan Heirs.

Is it any wonder that Rin felt so out of place?

* * *

Nagato's return was an abrupt one, to say the least. Apparently, Sasuke had a couple spare White Zetsu on hand and knew the ins and outs of the Reanimation Jutsu. Now one might stop and think, 'But what about the Rinne Tensei? Didn't Kakashi and the Elders confiscate the Rinnegan?' They would look silly for doing so, but they could ask that.

In truth, Sasuke was becoming quite talented at sleight-of-hand tricks; and why wouldn't he? The Rinnegan is the epitome of Sharingan evolution – despite how much trouble it could cause, Sasuke was becoming quite attached to the eyeball that had originally been Izuna's and had since then passed through the hands of three other people – if a Zetsu Clone could be counted as a 'person' - four counting Sasuke himself.

Yes, indeedy. That eye had been on quite the journey.

Digression aside, it was as simple as one, two, three to bring Nagato back to life. One White Zetsu was sacrificed for the Reanimation Jutsu, and a second one with a forced Rinnegan implant was hypnotized to use the Rinne Tensei. Poof. Instant revival. Of course, there had been a tiny, _tiny_ issue with some Orochimaru-clone thing that was also freed from Itachi's Susano'o, but that had swiftly been dealt with thanks to a gleeful Mikoto…

Incapacitating the Snake Sannin couldn't have been a simpler task for the Uchiha Clan Matriarch. One minute Orochimaru was gloating about how he would take over Sasuke's body now that he was free, and the next he was kicked in the balls, trussed up, and hauled away by Mikoto. Yes, yes, yes… Mikoto would be finding a great amount of fun in dissecting a Snake…

Then the trio from the Hidden Rain had been whisked away by a very shocked Toad Sannin. Something about 'a lot of catching up to do' – Sasuke didn't really catch all of it, and he didn't care. He was free to do whatever the hell he wanted now that everyone was too preoccupied with the glorious chaos of the mass Rinne Tensei resurrection.

"So what are you going to be doing now, Itachi? With the way Mother cleared up that missing-nin bullshit, you're a full-fledged Hidden Leaf ninja again."

Itachi nodded idly.

"True, but what place is there for someone like me in the regular forces? There is little to no conflict left in the elemental nations, foolish little brother…"

"Then what are you going to do from now on?" Sasuke repeated his query, staring at Itachi warily as he backed up ever-so-slightly. Like hell he was going to let Itachi poke his forehead for the rest of his life… It was demeaning when he was a child, and it was still annoying to this day.

Itachi offered a small smirk as he looked slightly to the sky.

"War is hell. So I believe… that I shall offer counsel to the shinobi of this village. I shall give the most wonderful advice."

Sasuke and Kisame just stared at Itachi for a long time after that. Itachi? As a therapist? No way in hell would this end well for anyone…

 **Author's Note:**

 **Ehhh. I wasn't too thrilled with this one. I write what comes to me; I try my best to meet your guys' desires, but sometimes I just don't feel inspired for certain scenes. Ask me to write for certain characters all you want, but if the inspiration's just not there for me, it won't come out well. That said, I** _ **will**_ **write for as many characters as I can, eventually. This includes Sakumo, more of Sakura, etc. I just need time to brainstorm situations to put them in. I kinda had one with Sakumo and Dan in mind, but nothing** _ **funny**_ **came to mind with that one. I don't even know what they would talk about, so don't ask why I thought it would be a good idea for those two to meet… 'cause I'm not sure myself.**

 **Sorry to Sakura fans if this was a bit brutal... It's all in good fun. I'm not the biggest fan of her character, but she'll be getting a break in the coming chapters... probably... I dunno. Remember, I write these on a whim. If it's funny to me, I will write it. Or try to. Meh. Rin's scene just felt angsty... x.x It will get better, though.**

 **Still, this was amusing in certain areas, I'll give it that. C'mon. Itachi Uchiha: Professional Shinobi Counselor. Has a nice ring to it, yeah? How long do you think it'll take for him to whip out the Tsukuyomi on poor unsuspecting clients? XD**

 **We might see Mangetsu and Suigetsu brotherly bonding in the near future; I dunno. I do not have this fic properly planned out. Like Gamamaru said, there is no foreseeable future; beyond cliffhangers I write up, anyway.**

 **Hope you enjoyed! I'll try harder next time. Sorry if this one felt 'eh' to you guys. ^^;**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Fallen's Child: Well… we'll see. It will probably be hilarious. :D**

 **KaiaRenkin: I will get to him as soon as something hits… Sakumo is especially hard to write for, despite how little we know about him…**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Thanks! I try my best. ^^**

 **Bryanchsos3: Hehehe…**

 **ultima-owner: Thanks!**

 **Simgr101: Yup, yup… So much fun. :D We haven't seen certain characters for a while because this story literally has no plot whatsoever. I write what comes to me. :P**

 **FictionLover12: Yup. The former Jinchuriki will be popping up eventually… as well as a few others I haven't mentioned yet… And yeah, I was enjoying that… but I gave her a break here. :P Sakura, on the other hand… I gleefully expanded on that little mention of her in Addendum One. She has not been having a good time of it at all. XD**

 **shubhendu dutta: Thanks!**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: I love crack!Hinata… So, so amusing. XD**

 **The Random: Funny that you mention that…**

 **reydrago: Hehehe…**

 **TheSilenceIsVast: Oh yeah. I literally have no idea how long this is gonna go. When I grow bored with it, I guess… which may not be for some time. :P Oh, you'll get that Kushina-Mikoto duo chapter… at some point… Bahahaha.**

 **Guest: Yup. :D**

 **guest: Gold star for pointing that out… There is much fun to be had with that concept, but not in the way you're thinking. I'm afraid this 'second' Orochimaru will not be having a pleasant time…**


	9. Addendum 7

**Addendum Seven: The Craziness Continues…**

"So… Tell me what's on your so-called mind."

Kakashi lay on a couch in a homely-looking room that had candles lit up throughout it. His hands were clasped across his chest as he idly looked up at the ceiling. Itachi was seated in a comfy chair across from the couch, and had a notepad on his lap and a pen in one hand.

Despite all appearances, this was still very, very awkward for Kakashi. He really wasn't a hundred percent sure how he had gotten there. One minute he was telling Minato-sensei all about the Uzumaki Clan's request for temporary accommodations, and the next… well… He kinda… sorta… maybe… finally lost his nerve a little? He might've jumped out the office window and forced the hat on Minato-sensei, too.

Not for forever or anything. Just… Just until the Uzumaki were back in Whirlpool where they belonged. Then he'd reclaim the hat and everything would go back to _normal_.

And then Itachi had gone and nabbed him when he wasn't looking, and they ended up in this random place… Kakashi still wasn't really sure why Itachi was trying to play therapist, but it wasn't helping.

"I'm… just going to go now…" Kakashi moved to leave, but he made the mistake of looking into Itachi's good eye.

"Tsukuyomi!"

Kakashi suddenly found himself in a world of red and black… but they were in the same room. Just, you know, everything was in red and black. In a realm controlled by Itachi. That he wouldn't be escaping from for a good three days in Itachi-time (one second in real time).

"Tell me about your childhood." Itachi intoned in that stoic voice of his. Kakashi sighed miserably as he knew there was no way out. If he didn't start talking soon, Kakashi expected the pain would start soon, and he had no desire to go through another excruciatingly painful Tsukuyomi… Itachi spoke up a little more forcefully, "Speak to me, Kakashi-senpai… or else…"

Well shit.

* * *

"Who's your new friend, Tsunade?"

Tsunade and Minarai had made a brief stop by the Senju Compound to drop off all the loot that Minarai had acquired from the casino. It was as they were on their second attempted trip to the Uzumaki Compound that the pair ran into Dan. Upon seeing Dan, Minarai gasped and ran straight up to the young man, getting up in his face somewhat and taking a little sniff.

"Ohohoho! I never thought I would meet another Kato! Your clan was becoming increasingly extinct even back in my day!

Dan took a couple of tentative steps back from the evidently fascinated old man. He shot Tsunade a meaningful look. Tsunade merely sighed; Minarai beat her to the punch and fished out a stack of his business cards, licking a finger and delicately picking one card off the stack.

"Minarai Uzumaki, funeral director." Minarai introduced himself and further explained, "I recently returned to life; it seems that quite a few years have passed since I lived here. Lady Tsunade here was a little girl back when I was among the villagers!"

Dan quirked an eyebrow at this.

"I wasn't aware that there was another Uzumaki living here besides Lady Mito, back in our day. Of course, other Uzumaki apparently moved here after I'd passed away… But really? You're from an era before us?"

Minarai nodded sagely.

"My presence had to be a little more discreet than Lady Mito's," Minarai began to giggle here. "But! I must say, I must confess that I greatly admire your clan. After all… Between you and me, if it wasn't for your clan's signature Jutsu, I might not have developed a Seal of my own! Ahahaha!"

Dan narrowed his eyes at the apparently amused elder gentleman. Similarly, Tsunade had frozen at the mention of 'Seal.'

"What are you talking about?"

Minarai solemnly nodded his head in understanding.

"Ah yes, of course." Minarai withdrew a black scroll from his pocket. He unfurled it and revealed a bizarre Seal matrix within. Motioning to it with one hand, he continued, "This… is a Spirit Binding Seal. I made it after many years of wandering the elemental nations and deep reflection. All my life, all I ever wanted to do was be a funeral director; I'd always been especially empathic to those who had lost loved ones. After a chance encounter with one of your clansmen, it occurred to me – people were capable of becoming _ghosts_ ; your clan had just perfected the art. If I could somehow drag people back from the Pure World to the mortal realm, then loved ones left behind could experience necessary closure!"

Tsunade started to twitch. Dan looked at Minarai skeptically.

"But… You didn't invent the Impure World Resurrection technique…"

Minarai waved his hands placatingly.

"Goodness, no! My research was completely different from that of the Second Hokage's; that man sought to weaponize the dead. My purpose was to _temporarily_ bring the dead back for familial reasons."

… Because that made tampering with the laws of nature so much better.

"What. Did. You. Do…?" Tsunade ground out. Minarai blinked in confusion at her.

"Well, I simply replicated the Spiritual Transformation technique through a Seal; unlike the technique the Kato Clan developed, mine binds the ghost to the Seal alone. In a way, it works much like a Summoning, except the Summons have very limited autonomy. If they move beyond the Seal matrix, they go back to the Pure World; beyond that, I may send them back whenever the family of the deceased is done talking to them…"

Both Dan and Tsunade processed what Minarai was saying. If the Seal did as Minarai said, then it seemed like an Uzumaki had actually developed a safe, low-risk, _useful_ technique. That really wasn't their style. Typically their Seals involved a lot of risks, and weren't very useful to most people. Just look at the Death Reaper Seal – sure, it did its job and sealed the Nine-Tails into Minato, but then he died and his spirit rested in the belly of the Shinigami for years.

"What's the catch?" Tsunade all but growled. "What have you overlooked?"

Minarai appeared perplexed, and could only manage a helpless shrug.

"Honestly, there have been no problems in the past."

"You say that this… Spirit Binding Seal is based on my Spiritual Transformation technique… So can these ghosts… physical touch things and people?" Dan asked warily.

Minarai nodded thoughtfully.

"It's certainly more meaningful if they can do that; it brings a certain element of realism to the final meeting between the dead and their families." At Tsunade and Dan's nervous looks, Minarai was quick to add, "They can't use any type of Jutsu as ghosts – as I said, there is very little risk when it comes to this Seal. Would you like to see a demonstration?"

… Though they would probably live to regret it, Tsunade and Dan agreed to the proposal. If Minarai was going to continue to offer his services to the people of the Leaf Village, they needed to determine how safe his Seals were… Nobody else would lift a damn finger to do so – he was an _Uzumaki_. Related to Kushina.

No, they didn't like volunteering for this _at all_ …

* * *

On Mount Myoboku, the Great Toad Elder sat on his throne, completely bored. Hey, he may have been retired, but it's not like an elderly toad like Gamamaru could get around very much… Damn old age…

Gamamaru cracked a grin as a vision seemed to come to him. Perhaps there would be something to do now…

"… Nope. It's gone. How'm I supposed to have visions if young'uns put down any conflict before it can fester and make things interesting?" Gamamaru sighed wearily. "Well… Something will come up that comes _close_ to restoring the Prophecy… Dunno what, though. Oh well. I guess somebody'll die – that will make for an interesting change of pace…"

Fukasaku looked up at his esteemed elder strangely. Sometimes the Great Toad Elder could be really weird sometimes… Really, considering _death_ to be interesting? They'd had so much of that the past several centuries… Oh, but you didn't hear that from him. Fukasaku still had the utmost respect for the Great Toad Elder. Yup.

* * *

Nurses and doctors hovered over a single patient and simply stared at the man's posterior. The middle-aged Hyuga was moaning and groaning in agony, but no one seemed to care about that at the moment. Seriously, how could they focus on their jobs when a mystery had been presented to them? Mysteries were worth pondering; uncomfortably (and disturbingly) removing the object could wait.

Nobody was in a hurry to get to the nitty gritty.

"Sooo… Any ideas how she got the pineapple up there without smashing it?"

Everyone shuddered at the possibilities. Shinobi were truly terrifying – for indeed, Hiashi Hyuga would not go to the hospital reserved for shinobi for something like this; it was humiliating! Entrusting this… sensitive matter… with the civilian hospital was much safer. Hiashi _really_ shouldn't have incited his eldest daughter… With this sadistic act, she'd more than proven she had the backbone necessary to lead the clan.

Whoever said Hinata Hyuga was a timid girl _at heart_ needed to be eviscerated. Slowly.

"Screw your theories! _Help me_!" Hiashi moaned painfully. Another round of shudders.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room for several moments. Eventually one of the doctors spoke up.

"Sooo… This is entirely unprecedented. Anybody have ideas for removing a pineapple from someone's asshole?"

Pure. Unadulterated. Silence.

* * *

Jiraiya, Yahiko, Konan, and Nagato all sat in a booth at one of the local bars. It wasn't anything too high brow, but the alcohol quality was enough to get sloshed after just a few drinks. Needless to say, Nagato refrained from drinking more than one glass due to his empty eye sockets.

"'m sorry I failed you guys… I scr… I scr… I fucked up!" Jiraiya wailed as he lifted and smashed his current glass onto the top of the table. Leftover beer oozed in all directions on the table's surface, but the shattered glass miraculously missed all of the booth's occupants.

Yahiko held up a pointer finger.

"Nu-uh…"

Jiraiya flatly stared at the carrot-top.

"Uh, _yeah_ , Yako. I lef' you kids to yer own devi'es… an'… an'… Nag'to 'n Ko'na almost _destroyed_ the worl'…!" Jiraiya slammed his face down on the table, resulting in drenching his face in booze. Jiraiya's muffled voice added, "I fu'd up…"

"Nu-uh." Yahiko seemed to persist. Jiraiya didn't bother to look up at the young man.

"Uh-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Uh-yeah."

"Nu. Uh."

Jiraiya let out a muffled half-scream of rage before it petered out prematurely and Jiraiya's drunken mind drifted elsewhere. If the muffled perverted giggles were any indication, that is. Yahiko seemed to want to make a point, but he was too sloshed to form sentences; he just couldn't hold the amount of booze that Jiraiya could.

Nagato patted his Sensei's back consolingly.

"Sensei… With the exception of Yahiko, we _all_ screwed up. The important thing is that we move on, and try to maintain this world of peace that Naruto brought about…" And it might be nice if he could get some new eyes… Nagato missed being able to see stuff. Truly, having vision your whole life, dying, and then being brought back to life blind… _That_ was the true meaning of pain. The world was just so… dark.

Who could say they understood his pain? No one.

* * *

 _In the Pure World…_

Izuna sneezed. Madara looked up from where he and Hashirama were holding Tobirama down and beating him to a pulp.

"Izuna?! What's wrong? What did that bastard Tobirama do this time?!"

Truly, even the slightest sneeze could be attributed to Tobirama. _Everything_ was Tobirama's fault. Perhaps Izuna was contracting an allergy to Tobirama?!

That bastard.

"No, no…" Izuna wiped his nose with his sleeve. He frowned minutely. "I just have this inexplicable need to punch some Uzumaki named Nagato…"

Was it too much to ask to have his eyes returned to him? Madara sure as hell wasn't sharing, even though they were _his_ eyes… How the hell had Madara retained the Rinnegan in the Pure World, let alone in that Reanimation form he had in the mortal realm? His brother gave away the Rinnegan before he died, for crying out loud! They were _his_ eyes, not Madara's!

Life (and afterlife) just wasn't _fair_.

* * *

Jiraiya finally lifted his head from the table and cracked a wobbly grin at Konan.

"A' least I was right 'bout _you_ … You gotta be a C-cup, Ko'na!" Jiraiya giggled perversely. Konan, who seemed to take her liquor pretty damn well, narrowed her eyes at her Sensei.

"What did you just say, Jiraiya…?"

"Yer hot. Wanna go ou' back 'n make out?" Jiraiya grinned and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

The honesty was refreshing, but it didn't stop Konan's Righteous Feminine Rage. Despite their cramped quarters, Konan sprouted her traditional angel wings, levitated into the air, swooped across the table, and flew off with Jiraiya. Jiraiya didn't seem to register the danger he was in, but Yahiko seemed to, if barely.

"Gotta know when to hold it, Sensei…" Yahiko muttered before slumping onto the table and starting a bout of loud snoring.

Nagato didn't need eyes to know that he was on his own now. Konan would be off enacting revenge on Sensei for a while, and who knew when Yahiko would wake up again? Preferably sober, of course.

… He really needed a new pair of eyes. Blindness was driving him insane.

* * *

Just as Kushina exited the administration building, she came across Mikoto, who was dragging a trussed-up Orochimaru Kami-only-knows-where. She quirked an eyebrow at the sight.

"What'd the Snake do, y'know?" She was already reaching for one of Minato's kunai…

"The bastard gave my son a hickey and tried taking over his body!" Mikoto paused. "And I believe Sasuke said that the bastard also gave your son a hickey, back in the Chunin Exams…"

Kushina's eyes gleamed dangerously, and Orochimaru renewed his (futile) attempts at escape. She withdrew her hand from her kunai pouch with nothing in hand and began rubbing her hands together mischievously.

"Kunai's too good for him… Where's a rusty spoon?"

"I actually planned on castrating first, followed by a de-fanging," Mikoto smiled cheerfully. "Maybe a lobotomy somewhere down the line. I would appreciate suggestions, though. Bastard needs to pay!"

Kushina cackled evilly.

"Bring him around my place… I need to get some things."

Mikoto followed Kushina without a second thought, and Orochimaru constantly attempted to regurgitate himself; it really didn't help that Mikoto had sufficiently plugged up his mouth with duct tape. The Snake Sannin did _not_ like this… Not one bit.

* * *

Sasuke twitched and turned to face his blue, gill-faced stalker.

"Will you stop following me? I'm _trying_ to work out my next move. I really didn't have my life planned out after achieving my goals…"

Kisame snorted.

"Yeah, Itachi did say you were a bit short-sighted… I figured I'd just follow you around, since Itachi's mind-fucking someone and it just gets dull after having seen it happen so many damn times…"

Sasuke arched an eyebrow.

"Who the hell is Itachi messing with? Isn't he a therapist now?"

"Same thing, ain't it?" Kisame chuckled before running a hand through his hair. "If I'm not mistaken, he's, ah, _helping_ the current Hokage. Your Sensei, I think."

Sasuke's eyes widened comically. Life plans could wait, it would seem.

"Where are you going?" Kisame pressed as Sasuke began walking in a certain direction. Sasuke snorted and waved a hand dismissively.

"You go do whatever the hell you want. If Itachi is screwing with Kakashi, I _have_ to see this."

Then again, who knows? Maybe he'd become a therapist, too. If Itachi could manage the occupation with _one_ Mangekyo, Sasuke could totally outdo him with _two_ Eternal Mangekyo. He'd totally beat Itachi to Employee-of-the-Month status…

… Then again, therapists didn't compete for that. Technically. He'd still compete Itachi for most mind-fucks given… That was close enough, wasn't it?

 **Author's Note:**

 **Ahhh… I feel back in the zone. This is just so much fun, duckies. :D**

 **Kudos to you who find references to other fanfics here… At the very least I referenced** _ **What If**_ **by Rorschach's Blot, and** _ **Bright Eyes**_ **by Duesal Bladesinger/Rikkudo. Different circumstances and victim from that scene in** _ **What If**_ **, but I used the same fruit… So go look that up. :D Also look up** _ **Bright Eyes**_ **; I love it so. Duesal will love ya, too. Be sure to review it! :D**

 **One more shameless plug… Duesal Bladesinger's latest work,** _ **Dirty Name**_ **: Read and love it, my duckies. It was my first time seeing extreme prude!Naruto, and it was worth it. :D**

 **Anyways, I hope this chapter was enjoyable. I love y'all so much! ^^**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Like I said, there were moments that I thought were okay. It was just that the overall feeling to me was 'meh'. Glad you still enjoyed it. ^^ Also glad you caught the reference; that was meant to be in homage to 'Bright Eyes'. Most people are okay with the Rinnegan being 'Madara's', but it's really not. They're Izuna's eyes… and he probably would like them back, yeah. :P XD**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: It's really one-sided throughout the series; I can't help but poke fun at it. Sasuke… just didn't have a love interest, like, at all. lol But okay, okay, they're paired up at the end of the series… Not like he had many fangirls left after being declared a missing-nin and all. :P Glad you liked the chapter. ^^**

 **reydrago: Cut Kushina some slack; she hasn't had very many loved ones. Of course she's gonna be a little… protective. :D Oro-chan is screwed. XD**

 **ultima-owner: Yep, yep, yep… Figured I'd lay it all out – no script to follow from now on.**

 **Simgr101: And it's still possible for angry!Rin to come out later; I'm still laying groundwork in certain aspects of the story. To be fair, he's only got the one good eye now… But one is more than enough…**

 **AJGuardian: Glad you're enjoying it so far!**


	10. Addendum 8

**Addendum Eight: Halloween Special (Part One)**

Fortunately for Hiashi, the civilian doctors and nurses were able to… remove… the obstruction without calling in a specialist (aka a shinobi medic). It was painful, even with all the pain killers dumped into him, and traumatizing for all those involved… The poor doctors would require Yamanakas to… erase... their memories of this horrible, horrible procedure… But they did it. Hiashi would have to live with it for the rest of his life – no matter how much he wanted a memory wipe. History had a way of repeating itself, y'see, and without the knowledge of what his eldest daughter was capable of… Hiashi shuddered to think about it.

Hiashi would be on bed rest in the hospital for a good week at least, and he would be seeing a proctologist for the foreseeable future… For the sake of his public appearance, Hiashi was signed in as one Ryo Sato… Very common names.

The Head of the Hyuga Clan winced as the door to his room opened; he had barely escaped his sadistic daughter's clutches… if she had found out where he was recuperating…

"Mister Sato?" … Luckily for Hiashi, it was just a nurse wheeling in another patient… a very familiar patient… "… Meet Mister Sato."

Hiashi winced at his father's condition; the man looked to be in worse shape than he was.

"I'll leave you two alone…" The nurse whispered and then departed. Hiashi moaned at the implications.

"Father, what did Hinata do…?"

"Oh, nothing…" The elderly man grumbled before shifting awkwardly in his hospital bed. "… Just hospitalize every Hyuga Elder that dared to oppose her most recent… law, I should say."

Hiashi paled.

"So she has taken up the role as the next Head of the Hyuga Clan?"

Hiashi's father chuckled bitterly.

"Ohhh, yes… It was a massacre, Hiashi. Not a single one of us could oppose her. As of now, the Caged Bird Seal is done away with completely; centuries of tradition, gone forever in a single bonfire. If only that was the only thing she did…"

Oh dear Kami. Hiashi did not like the sound of this.

"Wh-What else did she…?"

" _Apparently_ , Lady Hinata sought advice from her boyfriend's mother and was able to _remove_ the Caged Bird Seals from all the current Branch House members… Quite painlessly, too. It's over, Hiashi. There is only 'the Main Branch' now."

… To be honest, that wasn't as bad as Hiashi had feared. Yes, the complete obliteration of a sacred tradition was horrible, but he'd been hoping to free his brother from that accursed Seal somehow… Neji, too. Hiashi couldn't help but laugh humorlessly.

"Well… It's not all that bad, all things considered… The Caged Bird Seal didn't really serve its purpose, now did it? I mean… All it did was paint a bigger bull's-eye on _our_ backs than anything else. Enemies were perfectly content with mowing us down if it meant _eventually_ finding a Main Branch member…"

Hiashi's father sniffed haughtily.

"Thanks to your brother, the Hidden Cloud never got their hands on our Dojutsu…"

"At the cost of Hizashi's life," Hiashi shot back dryly. "And even discounting that one time, that was it. Hell, the Hidden Mist somehow got a hold on one of our eyes, despite our 'rigorous' defensive tradition. Like I said, all it took was for one of us Main Branch members to die, and the enemy would have gotten our prized Byakugan. If we really wanted to protect the Byakugan, we should have applied the Caged Bird Seal to _every_ Hyuga. "

Hiashi's father looked at him as if he sprouted three heads.

"Are you daft, man? That would have been anarchy! There wouldn't be a Hyuga Clan today because we all would have been at each other's throats, activating the Caged Bird Seal one right after the other."

"But it was perfectly okay to start a system of slavery," Hiashi rolled his eyes. His father snarled at him.

"They were _not_ slaves! They were… were… indentured servants."

"Indentured servants for _life_? I don't think so."

"It's not like we subjected the Caged Bird Seal to them _daily_ or anything…" Hiashi's father's voice sounded a bit too defensive…

"Dad. Their living conditions were _shit_. They had to do all the laundry, all the cleaning, every single mundane task that we could think of. _How_ is that not slavery?"

Hiashi's father grumbled.

"You never spoke out against tradition before now…"

"Because you would have forced the Caged Bird Seal _on me_."

"And I can't do that now?"

"Not without incurring the wrath of my daughter."

"… Damn you, Hiashi…"

* * *

Orochimaru shuddered as the duct tape was finally torn off. Chakra Suppression Seals were in place to prevent him from escaping, and he was firmly strapped down on a gurney. A helmet-like device was firmly attached to his head, a long, thick chord extending from the top of it to a nearby generator.

His balls hadn't been chopped off yet, but Orochimaru _knew_ they would get around to it soon…

"Oh dear lord, what are you going to do to me?!" Orochimaru screeched as Kushina sat down with a clipboard and pen in her hands.

Kushina smiled smugly.

"Relax, O-ro-chi-ma-ru! We're juuust gonna ask you a couple preliminary questions, ya know. Need to know how thorough we'll have to be… So, question one: Are you a pedophile?"

" _No_!" Orochimaru firmly denied, seething. When he got out of these bindings…

"Then why do you want Sasuke-kun so badly, hmm?" Kushina batted her eyelashes a couple times. Orochimaru shuddered.

"I just… want… his… body…?" Orochimaru snapped his mouth shut the instant that rolled off his tongue. He knew that was the answer they wanted, so why the hell did he say that? He had absolutely no intention of saying that!

"Mikoto-chan, how about a Level Seven shock to get him introduced to this system?" Kushina purred. Mikoto, who stood right next to Kushina, smirked, pressed a button, and sent a good amount of volts surging through Orochimaru's system. The Snake Sannin's body twitched for a while before he recovered enough to speak again.

"What the hell is this…? What have you injected me with?!"

"A couple of things…" Mikoto answered innocently. "You're resistant to a lot of poisons, so we had to be a bit creative. There's a chemical that makes you spit out the truth, and then there's a chemical that enhances your senses… So you're reeeally getting the full effect out of those shocks."

Orochimaru's eyebrow twitched as he glared fiercely at the Uchiha Matriarch.

"You… bitch… There's a special corner in Hell for you…" Orochimaru screamed as he got another Level Seven shock. Apparently, that truth serum made him voice _all_ of his true thoughts…

"Let's try this again," Kushina smiled demurely. "Are you a homosexual?"

… This would be Hell. For Orochimaru, of course. For Kushina and Mikoto, well… It was aaall entertainment.

* * *

Well… Dan and Tsunade didn't doubt Minarai now. After collecting the DNA of the First Hokage, the Second Hokage, the Third Hokage, and Mito Uzumaki, Minarai had prepared four Spirit Binding Seals, and then performed the technique in the foyer of the main house of the Senju Compound. Blue lights illuminated the room, and then the spirits were summoned. Dan had to admit – it really was a lot like his Spiritual Transformation technique. From their heads to their toes, everything was visible through this technique.

… Don't get the wrong idea, though. Of course the summoned spirits were fully clothed.

"You brought back Grandmother…" Tsunade murmured, her skin very pale. She repeated this over and over like a mantra under her breath. Grandmother Mito was not to be trifled with… There was a reason that Orochimaru didn't attempt the Reanimation Jutsu on her.

"It was only fair!" Minarai giggled. "I respect Lady Mito greatly, and knew she would want to see you all grown up, Lady Tsunade!"

In front of them, Mito purred and smiled demurely at Dan, Tsunade, and Minarai.

"Ohhh, Minarai-kun! You should really be more careful in how you wield the Spirit Binding Seal. Granting me autonomy _and_ the ability to touch the things of this world… I could tamper with your Seal and give myself freedom!"

Dan, Tsunade, and the first three Hokage shivered at that. Minarai giggled some more.

"Oh, I don't know… I think I could send you back to the Pure World before that happens, Lady Mito! You don't even have Sealing supplies on hand! Not even your blood. Ghosts don't bleed."

Mito pouted at this.

"So mean, Minarai-kun…"

Everyone else visibly relaxed as this was pointed out to them. Mito _was_ a very dangerous woman, but even in this form she was rather helpless… At least until she tricked someone into handing her something she could write with. Then they were all screwed.

"Am I the _only_ one that didn't de-age when they died?!" Hiruzen exclaimed. For indeed, Hashirama, Tobirama, and Mito all looked as they did in their young adult years. For Tobirama it was understandable; he _did_ die relatively young. But Hashirama and Mito? They were ancient when they passed away. _Especially_ Mito.

"You just haven't found out how to do it yet, Hiruzen," Hashirama consoled his former pupil. "You'll get the hang of it!"

Hiruzen sighed miserably. Neither Tobirama nor Mito were willing to point out that there wasn't a trick behind it… They just turned up in the afterlife as they did. Kami probably just favored them or something.

"Anyway… Let's go back to this Seal of yours, Minarai," Dan insisted. All eyes were on him. "Do you need a Seal for each and every ghost you summon?"

Minarai shrugged neutrally.

"Eh. I probably could have used one Spirit Binding Seal to summon all four of them, but they would have felt cramped, and that would have motivated Lady Mito to tamper with the Seal…" Minarai tapped his chin in thought. "Or I could have expanded the Seal to accommodate all four of them… But again, in everybody's best interests I kept Lady Mito away from the Sealing supplies. A bigger Seal just means a higher chance of her reaching any kind of writing utensil. Nobody but Lady Mito wants that."

This time everybody but Mito shivered at that; Mito just adopted a shit-eating grin.

"I must confess, I forgot about that aspect of the Seal…" Mito laughed. "It really has been too long since you died, Minarai-kun. I wonder why I wasn't brought back like you were?"

Tsunade snorted.

"Beyond the fact that you were married to Gramps, who's a Senju? The history books. You did a damn good job of cementing your reputation, so even Sasuke likely feared what you might do if you were brought back."

Hiruzen cradled his head in his hands as that boy came up again.

"Oh dear… What has that boy done this time?"

"Beyond resurrect me and Minarai here?" Dan gestured at himself and Minarai. "… Resurrected a shit load of people. Including the Uchiha Clan and plenty of people outside the Land of Fire."

Hiruzen's face suddenly became stern.

"The Uchiha Clan? Don't tell me there's a coup going on right now…"

Tsunade laughed bitterly.

"Oh, that? You don't need to worry about that right now. Mikoto and Kushina are reunited. Plus, Itachi and Minato were brought back, too; I think we can safely assume that the Uchiha Coup d'état will never happen."

Hiruzen looked distinctly pale now.

"A-Ah… I see…" Hiruzen had never been more glad that he was dead. Mito had sparked quite the pair of hellions by introducing them… And then _she_ got off easy and died soon after that. Some people have all the luck.

"Oh? Mikoto-chan and Kushina-chan are still getting along? I'm so glad," Mito purred. "I wonder how many souls they've shattered by now?"

"Far too many…" Tsunade and Hiruzen muttered in unison.

The meeting continued on like this for some time. Eventually Minarai excused himself to take care of some personal business, but Tsunade and Dan were left to speak with the ghosts… It was rude to drop a conversation when Mito and Hashirama had so many questions, after all.

Minarai was sooo lucky… Or so Tsunade and Dan thought.

* * *

Even in his drunken state, Jiraiya whimpered as he was tied up and dangling over the hot springs on the women's side. Apparently, Konan's justice was swift, unmerciful, and delegated to various kunoichi he had peeped on in the past. Hey, Konan might have been able to hold her liquor, but that didn't mean she could function one hundred percent normally; she still felt _some_ aspects of a drunk state, so she had to make sure that Sensei was served an appropriate punishment for hitting on her…

Oddly enough, the Toad Sannin was already screaming about his testicles before the kunoichi in the hot springs laid a finger on the man…

* * *

"Sir, are you sure you want to do this? Lady Mizukage might not take well to you taking the hat back. She's… kind of grooming Lord Chojuro as her successor."

Gengetsu waved off his subordinate dismissively.

"I'm not taking the hat back… I'd have to be crazy to want to tackle all of that paperwork crap again. I'm just going to… implement some new laws. Y'know, through her. Aaand maybe suggest a Kage Summit just to see where everyone stands. I have a feeling that the Hidden Mist isn't the only one unaffected by all these random people coming back. Like that one kid that claims to be the successor of my successor… Yagura, I believe. He said that he'd been brought back with some Utakata guy that broke off to go search for some chick named Hotaru…"

"… It _is_ odd that almost all of our Mizukages are back. Even the Third Mizukage was seen walking around earlier… In addition to some of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen…" the random subordinate muttered.

"Yeah, well, just keep on your toes," Gengetsu advised with a smirk. "I have a feeling that things are about to get pretty lively _really_ soon. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to meet with Lord Fifth."

"I wouldn't do that…!" The subordinate called out as Gengetsu unceremoniously strode into the Mizukage's office. "… Well, crap. Hopefully Lady Mei doesn't melt him for barging in without warning…"

* * *

"… Where's the Old Man, un? And aren't you supposed to be dead, yeah?" Deidara asked as he sat across from Mu in the Tsuchikage's office. He was tied up pretty thoroughly, of course. No spontaneous demonstrations of Art for him.

"Deidara, I have a proposition for you…" Mu began, but then stopped as he considered the blond's query. "… And that bastard will have his comeuppance, I assure you… But I digress. Deidara, the Explosion Corps could really use your talents again. Apparently their reputation has taken a rather sharp turn after Gari died and you turned traitor. If you can lead them to prosperity again, I won't lock you up in a containment cell. Deal?"

Deidara hummed noncommittally.

"I dunno… The Corps were a great starting point, but they're not very Artistic, if ya know what I mean. Un. They're sooo single-minded in what they do. Blow up this, blow up that, but where's the _style_ , yeah?!"

Mu tapped his thumbs together as he looked Deidara straight in the eye.

"As their leader, I'll let you have free reign if you go and do a little something for me in the Land of Water…"

Deidara suddenly adopted a shit-eating grin as he bounced in his seat a little.

"Where do I sign on, yeah?! You're loads better than that old lawn gnome!"

… Poor, poor Mu… You just don't know what you're unleashing upon the world…

* * *

Minarai entered his room with a sense of anticipation. Tsunade and Dan were having a great time with the first three Hokage and Lady Mito; so why couldn't Minarai have some fun, too? Removing a scroll from his pocket, Minarai released the seal and a cloud of smoke appeared. When it settled, the ancient corpse of Madara Uchiha was revealed in all its decaying glory.

You see, the Alliance had more or less ransacked Akatsuki's base in the Mountains' Graveyard when they won the Fourth War. When they did so, they discovered the real Madara Uchiha's corpse, which had been preserved for the sake of Rinne Tensei. The Hidden Leaf had claimed the body, of course; they had been planning to cremate the body so that he would never return, but apparently the body had been placed in storage and forgotten due to the return of Kushina Uzumaki and the chaos she brought with her.

Two years had passed since then. When Minarai had first been brought back, he had heard whispers of Madara Uchiha's defeat, and as funeral director he knew exactly where they would place his body if they preserved it at all. Nobody questioned his poking about because they were all confused by so many people being brought back to life; Minarai had free reign of the village up until he went to see Tsunade.

One might think, 'Why in the world would Minarai be interested in the corpse of Madara Uchiha?' Simply put, the man was so obsessed with his job that he believed everyone deserved a proper burial – even a traitor and deserter like Madara. As he was a traitor, Minarai would be following the Ancient Hidden Leaf Custom of burying the body in some barren, out-of-the-way location in the Land of Fire, but first Minarai wanted to channel the spirit since his clan wouldn't exactly wish to see him. Let alone anyone else. The guy brought about so much pain and misery, what would you expect?

But no. Minarai _had_ to speak to the man. Had to give the man closure if possible. Minarai had a sacred duty as funeral director!

So, once Minarai had drawn up the seal and taken a sliver of Madara's flesh, he activated the Seal and the room was enveloped in a blue glow. Madara's spirit, which appeared to be somewhat miffed at being brought back in an ethereal form, sat in the center of the Seal array. The first thing Minarai noticed was that Madara seemed _younger_ than his physical body; he would need to inquire as to how that happened.

Minarai gasped as the soul seemed to have _two_ eyes, as opposed to the one the corpse had, however. That was even more shocking than the discrepancy in age. The ancient Uchiha Leader smirked at this – he hadn't expected eye contact to be accomplished so easily. Wasting not even a single second, Madara activated his Mangekyo Sharingan; Minarai hadn't stood a chance. He was instantly hypnotized.

Yes, indeedy. As careful as Minarai was in crafting his Seal, he had neglected to take into account the Sharingan; understandable, since the Uchiha took care of their own dead back in the early days of the Hidden Leaf. Even if he did take into account the special properties of the Sharingan, he wouldn't have been able to translate that into the Sealing matrix; he wouldn't have known the symbols or Kanji to take such precautions.

Once again, it all came down to the Uchiha being the weakness of a technique. Funny, that.

In minutes, Madara had all that he needed. Minarai had given him all his knowledge on the Spirit Binding Seal (rather unfortunate there was no 'break the contract seal' option; that would have made things quite easy…), had expanded the array surrounding Madara so that it encompassed the whole Senju Compound (apparently each Spirit Binding Seal could expand to a certain distance; unfortunate that it _only_ expanded to the boundaries of the Senju Compound, but Madara took what he could get), and then he had committed seppuku. Madara, naturally, brought back Minarai with his own technique; with an array that encompassed the Senju Compound, he had no need to draw up a new one.

There were a couple of loopholes that Madara exploited: One, a single Spirit Binding Seal could bring back multiple people so long as there was DNA for each person on that particular Spirit Binding Seal (obviously Minarai's corpse was touching the expanded Seal); two, the Spirit Binding Seal was automatic, which meant that the second Minarai's body hit the floor, his ghost was brought back from the Pure World. And of course Madara had brought the old man back under his control upon his return; he'd be foolish to not recruit underlings.

In other words, Madara had taken control of the situation quite handily. So long as he stayed within the Seal array, Madara would remain in the mortal realm. His only other obstacle, the 'Summoner', was dead and now under his command. Madara had a chance to make a comeback – it was a very slim one that was dependent on the fact that even just one of his Rinnegan was preserved, but it was a _chance_.

Yes… Madara would be resurrected if he had any say in it…

 **To be continued…**

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Here's another chapter, guys! I hope to get another chapter out next week (obviously in celebration of Halloween). I know things are a** _ **bit**_ **dramatic at the end here, but it'll all come out as crack, I assure you. There's a reason the Great Toad Elder's vision was cut off so abruptly, after all…**

 **I loved Minarai, I really did; but significant OCs just aren't my style. I accomplished what I wanted through him – at least his death was mostly painless. Can't feel very well in a hypnotized state. :P How will that work out for the other Uzumaki? Well… I'll work it out when they make their grand entrance. Which might be in the next couple chapters. I dunno – this just isn't planned out. At all. XD**

 **At least I gave Mads a flimsy second chance at life… Obviously this is still 'That was Anticlimactic', however, so he technically doesn't stand a chance… Ohohoho… :D**

 **Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Eaglebucky: Glad it's still enjoyable! ^^ Sakumo's supposed to come in at some point… He's just really hard to find inspiration for, 'cause we've seen so little of him. I considered Might Dai, but… I'm iffy on him. Ehhh.**

 **FictionLover12:** _ **And**_ **she hospitalized the Hyuga Elders… and did away with the Caged Bird Seal… 'cause that's how Hinata rolls, yeah. XD I dunno what you're talking about… Not like Madara's trying to make a comeback…** _ **again**_ **… XD**

 **Fallen's Child: Well, it is getting a bit 'plot-ish' now, but we'll soon back to glorious anarchy again soon… I just wanted to do up a Halloween Special. :P Glad you're still enjoying it!**

 **Garm (Guest): Thanks! Giving it my all. So much fun. :D**

 **Simgr101: … Is this chapter good enough of an answer? 'cause we'll see the (former) Jinchuriki eventually. XD Sadly don't have anything in mind for 'Bito yet. Remember, I** _ **like**_ **the anarchic design of this fic; if something fun pops into my brain, it will transfer to paper. Until then, 'Bito will be reeling from his chat with Rin… I think I have a little something in mind for the next bit with him, but I'm keeping it a secret. :P Oh, and Anko didn't die; not in canon, and not here. Anko (her Curse Seal) technically was used to boost the power of Kabuto's Edo Tensei, and then she was just left in that cave hideout. She returned to the Leaf Village and… let herself go, in canon. I'll just say that. :P But here? I dunno what she'll do yet… But she might mess with Jiraiya for a bit…**

 **reydrago: Glad it's enjoyable! I liked that chapter a lot. :D**

 **AJGuardian: Thanks for the review!**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Surprisingly** _ **well**_ **? Hmm. If you see Tsukuyomi therapy as Itachi doing well, I'm gonna hafta fix that somehow… XD Behold the next Hyuga Clan Leader. Hear her roar. XD**

 **ultima-owner: … Do you** _ **really**_ **wanna know? XD**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Yup, yup… Uzumaki are to be feared. Minarai's just one example of how reckless they can be. XD To be fair, though, Uchiha tend to throw a wrench in a lot of things… Yeees, pity the fool. And the Elders. And… anyone else that tries to stand up against Hinata. XD Yes, Izuna did… I have every intention of giving him another scene in the conclusion of this little special… He got left alone in the afterlife** _ **again**_ **… XD Kushina and Mikoto are so much fun. They're just startin' on Oro-chan… I will be sure to follow up on the therapy thing, then. That is a veeery entertaining concept. The brothers might have found their calling in life. :D**


	11. Addendum 9

**Addendum Nine: Halloween Special (Part Two)**

As the giant wall of pulsating blue-ish white light passed through the walls and through them, everyone human and ghost alike knew something was up. The atmosphere was tense and ominous.

"Tsunade-chan… Be a dear and hand me an ink brush." Mito eye-smiled at her dearest granddaughter. Tsunade narrowed her eyes at the red-headed woman.

"Why the _hell_ would I do that? Things are chaotic enough with Kushina and Mikoto around to terrorize those who've wronged Naruto in the past…" Tsunade growled slightly.

"Trust me; you're going to need my help." Mito answered in all seriousness. It kinda creeped everyone out to see her personality do a complete one-eighty in the span of a few seconds. She added, "Minarai-kun has done something so monumentally stupid that I didn't know he had it in him. This easily tops his first death; at least then there were no consequences for the rest of us."

"What are you…?" Tsunade was cut off by a black-haired, red-eyed specter that passed through the east wall. He grinned cockily at Tsunade, and was soon joined by a red-haired specter in formal black clothes. Tsunade howled. "No… _Nooooooooooooooooo_!"

Damn Madara Uchiha. Damn him to Hell. He took away her Lucky Charm for Tanzuka Gai… He took. her Lucky Charm. for Tanzuka. Gai. Screw the unfairness of life; she was ending that son-of-a-bitch right here and now!

With a Truly Righteous Fury, Tsunade surged forward, passed right through Madara's ethereal projection… and levelled the whole east wall, which was significantly wide and sturdy in its own right. The whole main house shook at the impact. Madara snorted in amusement.

"So, there are perks to fighting in this form after all. My comeback is assured!" The ancient Uchiha nodded to his puppet, and the pair broke off in search of weapons to use against Tsunade. Dan pinched the bridge of his nose, made the required hand sign, and made use of his Spiritual Transformation Jutsu. Without a second thought he took off after Madara while his physical body slumped to the floor.

A pity that Madara hadn't noticed the other redhead in the room. For if he had, he probably would have given up quietly. Because as things currently stood, Mito's corpse, as well as the corpses of the first three Hokage, was simply lying there on the foyer floor. Well within the expanded Spirit Binding Seal that initially summoned Madara. Hiruzen and Tobirama both shivered at the shit-eating grin that dawned on Mito's face as she realized this. Hashirama merely laughed and bolted after his childhood best friend.

This would no doubt be hilarious, but even the Great Hashirama Senju had standards. He wanted to be the one to tell Madara how screwed he was. Mito would be finding a brush and ink any second, so he didn't have much time…

* * *

"Gaara, I'm…" Rasa paused in his declaration as he got a look at all the people in the Kazekage's Office. They were all here. _Everyone_. "Karura? How did you get back so quickly?"

Karura grinned slyly at her husband.

"The Weasels Reverse Summoned me, dear." She answered innocently enough.

Rasa raised an eyebrow curiously.

"And… you couldn't bring Yashamaru, Pakura, and me with you?"

"No."

"… Did you know we were even brought back?"

"Yes."

"Then why." It wasn't a question.

"The mother gets First Hug privileges, dear. I felt a little bad leaving poor Yashamaru behind, but I knew you would all make it back. Don't you see? I _had_ to hug Gaara-kun. Hugging him through his sand is _not the same_."

"That… That was really you?" Both father and son were at a loss. When Rasa pointed out that Karura was Gaara's real Absolute Defense, their minds were still thinking in the metaphorical. It's not exactly easy to believe that revelation was _literal_ , y'know?

"Of course," Karura snuggled her youngest son close to her, staring intently at Rasa. "It only took your death to realize how shitty of a father you were. I know _everything_ , _dear_."

Suddenly Rasa felt a compelling urge to get the hell out of dodge. Gaara, on the other hand… Gaara was a little more concerned about what this meant for his Absolute Defense. Would he still be able to use it? Kami only knows.

Worrying about the fate of his father could wait. There were Other Important Matters to be concerned about. Other Important Matters being finding out if he could still be Gaara of the Desert, or if he would need to take a crash course in a Taijutsu seminar run by Might Guy…

Hey, he was the Fifth Kazekage. One of the former Regimental Commanders of the Shinobi Alliance. He had a fucking reputation to uphold! Without his Sand, Gaara would be worse off than cannon fodder.

* * *

In the Raikage's Office, Father and Son sat on opposite sides of the desk, one decidedly more fidgety than the other.

"Sooo… You've done a great job as Raikage," Third Raikage, A, rumbled.

"Well… I've tried. I can't live up to your legacy, Old Man. You were our strongest; I've managed to keep Bee in line this long, but even he's stronger than me." Fourth Raikage, A, shot back.

Cue very, very awkward silence.

"… Well, I'll let you get back to it. You obviously have a lot on your plate…" A Number One moved to get out of his seat, but the armrests sprouted iron clamps that kept him in place. A Number Two smirked proudly.

"Ohhh, no. I've been the Raikage for just as long as you have, Old Man. Now that you're back, I'm taking advantage of this bizarre, unprecedented situation."

" _You can't make me take the hat back! NEVER!_ " A Number One paused in his mad escape attempts to glance at his son curiously. His eyes gleamed with mischief. "Wait… If _I'm_ reinstated as Raikage… I can order you around again…"

A Number Two's smirk turned positively vicious.

"Nice try, but I wasn't born yesterday. You and I are going to be Joint Raikages. We'll both have the same amount of power, it's just… We'll be tackling different aspects of the job."

A Number One began to sweat bullets.

"Wh-What are you…"

At that moment, Mabui chose to cart a shitload of paperwork into the office. The pile was easily twice as high as she was tall, and four times as wide.

… Don't ask how she got it all to fit into the narrow-by-comparison door. It's Secretary Wizardry. You just don't question some things in life.

Not if you wanted your sanity (or your balls) intact, anyway. Secretaries are some of the most overworked people in the business. They're not to be trifled with.

"Of course you will be tackling the deskwork…" A Number Two further explained. "As you are technically older than me, we need to make sure you don't overexert yourself. Fighting a thousand shinobi, dying, and coming back to life must have been very overwhelming… Don't worry, all you have to do is read through, sign, and stamp a bunch of documents. That's not too taxing, right?"

A Number One was simply in a thousand yard trance as he looked at the _massive_ pile of paperwork that Mabui brought in.

"What… What will _you_ be doing?" A Number One tried not to panic.

A Number Two chuckled.

"Oh, all the public appearances, council meetings, meetings with the other Kage, training demonstrations… all the boring stuff. Nothing you'd be interested in."

Truth be told, with peace at long last achieved in the Elemental Nations, there weren't very many council meetings or Kage meetings. The Old Man didn't need to know that, though. The Old Man just needed to do as he was told and tackle the damn paperwork… It was the bane of every Kage, and damn it if A Number Two wasn't gonna weasel out of it here and still maintain his Raikage title.

"You will… help me, right, Mabui?" A Number One asked in a pleading tone. Mabui smiled and patted his shoulder consolingly.

"I'm afraid this is all Raikage's eyes only. I'll be here to make sure you do it all. We wouldn't want a Fifth War to break out because you didn't see to an important document." Mabui's smile was slightly twitchy, but A Number One didn't seem to notice. He was too engrossed in staring at the monstrous pile that happened to all be paper.

Really, a majority of the paperwork before him was actually just the secretaries downstairs exploiting loopholes to lighten their own workload. The fact they had very little to do anymore was… refreshing. Made the Raikage's job a living Hell, though.

Yes… A Number One would be hunting down whoever brought him back, and he would be ending him in the most painful way possible. He just had to be… discreet about it.

* * *

"And how did that make you feel?" Itachi flatly asked his patient. Only an hour had passed in Itachi-time.

Kakashi tapped his thumbs together as his hands were clasped over his chest as he lay on the couch.

"Kind of like this… Exactly like this…" Kakashi muttered. " Can I go now?"

"No. What do you mean 'exactly' like this?" Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, come on! You're asking how I felt after _you_ placed me under Tsukuyomi when you were on the hunt for Naruto! How the hell is this any different than the last time?!" Kakashi snapped.

Itachi clicked his pen a couple times and wrote something down. Kakashi was pretty sure he didn't want to know what he put down.

"Tut-tut. No need curse out your therapist. You wouldn't tell me about your childhood; I've tried asking you a myriad of other questions, but you still will not answer. You are making things harder than they need to be."

Kakashi's visible eye became half-lidded.

"Let's just say I'm not the biggest fan of 'Uchiha Therapists.' You guys generally tend to have more issues than any patient that might come to you!" Kakashi deadpanned.

Itachi raised an eyebrow again.

"Would you rather skip to the torture? I am perfectly able and willing to conjure images of Might Guy in a thong. Or a bonfire of every single printed Icha Icha novel… Or Master Jiraiya turning the series into gay porno… Or perhaps all of those at once?"

Kakashi gagged at each mental image and literally choked at the last suggestion.

"Th-That is _not_ necessary, Itachi! Why in the world would you even _imagine_ doing something like that?! That's inhumane!"

Itachi shrugged carelessly.

"In some circles, people speculate that the Sage of Six Paths and his family are aliens… We would all be descended from aliens, if that were the case. Shinobi might not be human to begin with."

Kakashi started bawling like a little girl. There was still seventy hours, fifty eight minutes, and twenty three seconds of Itachi-time left, and Itachi had yet to bring up a topic he was willing to talk about. His childhood, stating the obvious, speculating about Guy and Lee's possible biological connection (really, Guy _reproducing_ was just a bit much for anyone to ponder)… these things and more were not viable topics of discussion for Kakashi.

But if he didn't start talking, Itachi would bring on the mental images. The horrible, horrible mental images.

"I could always replay the latest Fantastic Four remake… over and over…"

Oh Kami, no! Nnononononono…

"I became a shinobi at five years old!" Kakashi's voice was high pitched and very rigid, but he was _talking_.

Itachi smiled evilly and began writing things down in gusto. Yes, the occupation of therapist appeared to be Itachi's True Calling… So he had to do a little… threatening… to get his clients to sing like canaries, but it was worth every second.

Itachi Uchiha is quite marvelous, yes he is…

* * *

Off to the side, in a lawn chair, Sasuke was watching the show unfold while shoving copious amounts of popcorn into his mouth. Kisame chose to stand, but he was laughing his ass off all the same…

* * *

Now that the preliminary questions were over with, Kushina and Mikoto had dawned surgeon masks and clothes. They hovered over a mysterious black bag, their backs turned to Orochimaru.

"Hacksaw…" Kushina had a clipboard in hand and was checking off items one by one with Mikoto's help.

"Check." Mikoto held the item up for Kushina to see and then placed it outside of the bag. Kushina checked it off.

"Gasoline…"

"Check."

"Voodoo doll of Oro-chan…"

"Check."

"Guillotine…"

"…" This one took Mikoto a while to haul out of the bag, but she nodded firmly. "Check."

Orochimaru, all the while, was growing more fearful every second. Why the hell weren't these bitches giving Ibiki advice as his superiors in the T&I Division, where they apparently belonged?!

Ibiki… The brat had been scared of him, back in the day, and rightly so. If only the man could see him now…

"Rubber ducky?" Kushina asked in a serious voice. Mikoto pulled it out, waved it at Oro-chan, and squeaked it.

"Check!" Mikoto eye-smiled.

Oh dear Kami. What the hell were they going to do with that?! Nothing good, that was for sure…

* * *

Anko, meanwhile, was running back and forth. Her instincts were screaming at her to just pick a destination, but she just could not… She'd been in the Torture and Interrogation gig for so long that her senses were going wild all over the place. There was something going on with Kakashi… There was something going on with her Sensei (when the hell did he get back, anyway?)… There was something going on with a bunch of Hyugas… Something going on at the Senju Compound… And then there was something going on with Jiraiya…

She'd originally been helping torture that perverted bastard, but then her instincts screamed to go elsewhere, as there were _a lot_ of other fun places she could be at. She just couldn't _choose_ , damn it!

Ibiki, meanwhile, had cameras installed at each of the locations and was watching it all unfold on TV monitors from the T&I Department, sipping a cup of tea as he did so. Ahhh… This was the life.

* * *

It was over before it got a chance to begin. Madara swore quite colorfully at the unfairness of reality. Everything had been going _his way_ … But then that Namikaze brat screwed up his resurrection, and Black Zetsu became trapped in Obito's Kamui dimension. The universe seemed to be teetering back in his favor the second that naïve old man brought him back as a ghost, but then it had to be all up in his face with _Mito's_ return as well…

Why was he life's punching bag? Did some higher deity hate him or something? Was this some sadistic version of Izuna's revenge for possessing his eyes in the Pure World?

… Nah. Izuna loved him and would never turn on him. He would be having words with Hagoromo, though. Madara insisted that he was _supposed_ to be the Sage's contemporary. His successor. Madara didn't give one shit if he was some guy Indra's reincarnation or whatever… The guy sounded weak, anyway. Lost to his younger brother or something… Pathetic.

But back to the present. Madara had been having a 'cat fight' with some Kato brat… They couldn't tear each other's clothes off or whatever in these ghost forms, but they were rolling around on the floor all the same. Then Hashirama showed up and got involved.

Forget what he said earlier. Fighting like this was _demeaning_. No Jutsu, people wouldn't cooperate and look in his damn Mangekyo… It was the worst.

And then Hashirama revealed their trump card.

"By the way… Mito's back, Mads. She's sooo happy to see you again!" Hashirama gushed. Madara froze and twitched on the floor; the Kato brat straddled him and made sure he was pinned.

"What."

"Yep!" Hashirama giggled. "And thanks to you, she can access any writing supplies on the premises! Isn't that wonderful?!"

" _Shit_!" Madara swore to high heaven and kicked the Kato brat in the balls, giving himself some wiggle room. Madara socked him and then made a break for it. He _had_ to stop that woman before it was too late…

But alas, when he had reached the foyer again, he witnessed with dawning horror that he was much too late. That Woman was hunched over a large, blank scroll and was already scribbling the final touches to the Seal. Madara made a mad dash for her, arms out in front of him, but halfway to her she made the last stroke, turned the parchment around, and slapped it onto the expanded Spirit Binding Seal.

Nothing happened at first, but the ancient Uchiha knew he was screwed. Moments later, there was a flash of light that pulsed outward and eventually reached the far edges of the expanded Spirit Binding Seal. The Seal then began to _crack_ into bright rays of light; and in moments, the whole thing just shattered like glass.

Fortunately, there was no damage done to the Compound beyond what Tsunade had done. But all the ghosts that hadn't returned to their own private Spirit Binding Seals? Yeah, they all vanished back to the Pure World. Except for Dan, of course; but then, he wasn't summoned with such a Seal. He returned to his body once he realized the crisis was averted.

Madara had sworn revenge on Mito, but she highly suspected he would never be able to carry that out. They were on two separate plains of existence now, after all.

"Grandmother…?" Tsunade asked tentatively as she approached the only remaining Spirit Binding Seal left active; the others had just deactivated with Tobirama, Hiruzen, and Hashirama moving to the expanded one.

Evidently, Mito had moved back to her Seal so that she wouldn't vanish like the others.

"Don't worry, Tsunade-chan! Grandma's here to stay for a very, very long time!" Mito chirped, waving a couple of scrolls and ink brushes that were now within her Seal's boundaries. Tsunade paled at this, knowing that Hell would sooner freeze over before she could ever hope to get those supplies away from her Grandmother in time. It seemed Mito was here to stay, even if she was just a ghost… for now…

Well. There goes the neighborhood.

* * *

Madara's return to the Pure World was about as expected as his sudden departure… which is to say, Izuna flipped out when Madara was right by his side again.

"Brother… Where did you go?"

Madara had a sour look on his face. Not that Izuna could see it.

"I almost had a second chance at life, Izuna… I was this close, and then that Uzumaki bitch ruined it all."

Izuna contemplated this for a time.

"… Uzumaki bitch?"

"Mito." Madara replied flatly.

"Ah." Izuna nodded in understanding. Then in a deathly serious tone he said, "Brother… I'm going to need some incentive. You keep popping out of here and it's _not fair_. I still don't have my eyes, even after your last failure."

Madara froze and edged away from Izuna.

"I… I'll get you Tobirama's eyes, Izuna… Just have a little pa…"

"Even the Buddha loses patience, Brother. I want my eyes back. _Now_."

Madara emitted a girly shriek as Izuna descended on him like a vulture and plucked out his eyes and returned them to the rightful eye sockets. How Izuna managed to do that in the Pure World, the world may never know…

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **I had a lot of fun with certain portions. I think you all know why the first three Hokage didn't choose to stick around. Well, in Hashirama's case it was more of an accident than anything else, but… Point is, Mito is back. And will be back in human form in the coming chapters.**

 **Because I like crack!Mito. I like her a lot. :D**

 **I think we'll be seeing more Naruto-Hinata-Rin fun next time; I've been holding off on that, but we really should get back to that. Hinata's a 'little' peeved after not seeing Naruto for a while, sooo… Yeah. Fun times ahead. Why else do you think she's going medieval on her clan? XD**

 **Oh, and Tsunade reacting to the loss of Minarai. We'll be seeing more of that, too. I've got something in mind for all of the Sannin… Mwahahaha… :D**

 **Did I mention I love you guys? This is a part of five Communities now, is edging closer to a hundred favs (and a hundred alerts), and has** _ **over**_ **a hundred reviews. And this has only been going on for a month or so. Thank you guys so much. I… I might have to do something to celebrate the 100-Review mark… *Weeps anime rivers of tears* Feel free to ask for scenes/characters you wanna see, and I'll do my best to get around to them in the coming chapters. Sakumo, Might Dai, stuff with Obito, stuff with Rin, the former Jinchuriki… I'll be getting around to those eventually, so feel free to suggest new stuff. Depending on how much is asked for, I might not get around to it for a while, but I'll do my best to make it happen. :P**

 **Couple stipulations: I will not take OC requests. Unless you want your OCs to suffer spectacular deaths, don't bring those up. I killed off Minarai, after all. :P Number two: No homo or pairing requests. I've got standards; I don't like to read about homosexual relationships – unless they're heavily bashed in crackfics, etc. – and I certainly don't like writing about them. Whenever you see references, they're made in jest. :P As for pairings… They'll happen as they happen. As I said earlier, I'll probably make them (mostly) canonical so that I have Boruto's generation to write about eventually. If the pairings branch off too much, I'll have to make significant OCs… That's not my style. :P**

 **Beyond that, I** _ **think**_ **anything's fair game. I might tweak your initial idea if I don't find it funny enough, but I'll do my best to meet it. I will probably have a cut-off period of accepting requests – like, maybe next chapter when I get around to it – but that's only because I don't want to be squashed under a continuous pile of requests, and I wanna be able to get my ideas out, too. Don't feel too down, though – I'll probably do something similar when we hit the 200-Review mark. Again, this is your reward, so… Have fun. :D**

 **Lastly, if you actually enjoyed the Fantastic Four remake, don't take the jab too hard. I personally didn't care for it, nor did a number of others, apparently. The reference was a joke. I wanted Itachi's methods of torture to be unique as possible.**

 **Review Replies:**

 **reydrago: Glad you liked it. :D**

 **ultima-owner: … Well, too bad. I didn't have anything in mind because it was a little too disturbing to contemplate in great detail… Let's go with Civilian Magic. Best for everyone's sanity.**

 **Simgr101: Well… Anko does make a little cameo here. With so much torture going on, the poor girl is torn on where to go. XD Eh. I'd say Hashirama was the strongest; Hiruzen was strong, don't get me wrong, but only Hashirama could match up toe-to-toe with Madara, and he's a friggin' beast to everyone else. I think you're overinflating poor Hiruzen a bit; he could probably do a lot of those things, but curb-stomp Mads and Hashi both? … No. Mito was their only hope here; they couldn't use Jutsu as ghosts. They could spar with Madara, but that's about it. No, Mito could break the Seal, so she was the only hope here. :D**

 **AJGuardian: Thanks!**

 **Reading Pixie: Glad you like it!**

 **mmaallek: It will come… It will come…**

 **Ken18: Goooood. Let the crack flow through you… :D**

 **FictionLover12: … Your hypothesis was a little too dramatic. Remember, this is, "That was** _ **Anticlimactic**_ **." I brought back Madara only to have him fail yet again. XD We will be getting to the Uzumaki Clan soon (at least I hope so). Glad you're having fun, though. ^^**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Glad you're still enjoying it! :D**

 **ljsje von Kriegsherr: Thanks!**

 **Darkconvoy99: Mito is self-reliant… :D Poor Mads, Kami rest his soul…**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Now for something completely different… :D Nooo, but seriously, though. We'll be getting back to that craziness soon. So much crack… XD**

 **Rikkudo: There. It happened in two crackfics now… :D**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Seriously, though, glad you're enjoying it so far. Hinata eradicating the Caged Bird Seal is probably just the beginning… Dunno how things can get much crazier with her, but I'm sure I'll find a way. Yehehehes Mito being brought back was a** _ **bad**_ **idea. Well, for most people anyway… Mito is far too unpredictable, and technically the one that started the Kushina-Mikoto duo madness. So, y'know, there's that. :D Well, more like Konan's judgment is skewed because she's drunk (to a degree). She'd be a lot more merciful if she were completely sober, because she would know that Jiraiya-sensei is just drunk. But yeah… poor, poor Jiraiya. He will be having fun later with his, ah…** _ **series**_ **later. Jiraiya has future lives to ruin because of his porn; I quite liked that idea of Naruto getting his name from Icha Icha… That might or might not come up here. :D Bet you didn't see Madara's abrupt departure, though. XD**


	12. Addendum 10

**Addendum Ten: Uzumaki, Catfights, Former Jinchuriki, Oh My!**

Do you know how much can happen in a week? _Do you_?!

A lot, apparently. Just, you know, in case you weren't aware.

With Madara's second attempt at returning to life failing so miserably, dropped like a sack of puppies, Tsunade and Dan would have been able to sweep this near-crisis under the rug without much hassle. Under normal circumstances. Two distinctive problems kept them from doing that.

One: Minarai Uzumaki died. To the Uzumaki, family meant everything, and Tsunade _failed to let Kushina meet Minarai_. For that alone Tsunade was screwed, but she _also_ had all that money he'd won. A motive for murder, in other words. Of course Tsunade hadn't murdered the old codger, but facts didn't matter in this case. Kushina would suspect murder for a looong time, even if the Second Problem vouched for her (and that wasn't necessarily guaranteed; Miss Second Problem could make Tsunade out to be the villainess for shits and giggles), Kushina would still put her under close scrutiny. For years. Y'know, Uzumaki longevity and all that.

Tsunade could always cremate the body and claim she never saw Minarai, but again, there was the Second Problem.

Two: Mito Uzumaki. No words could accurately describe how _screwed_ they all were with her sudden, very much undesired return.

Oh, you thought the people of the Hidden Leaf were _safe_ as long as she was tethered to the Spirit Binding Seal? Hahaha… Ahahaha… **No**.

Tweaking that Seal was child's play for Mito. She remained a ghost, but Mito could now travel wherever she damn well pleased. All because she got her hands on some Sealing supplies during the near-crisis with Madara. That didn't mean she made the Seal expand to cover the whole Hidden Leaf Village – she _could_ have done that, but that was still too restrictive for her tastes. No, no. Mito defied the laws of nature and Minarai's Sealing prowess and incorporated a 'Break the Summoning Contract' aspect into the Seal Matrix.

She was a **real** , **proper** ghost now. Before it was more apt to say she was some kind of hologram more than anything else; true, her spirit was recalled from the Pure World, but it was limited to the confines of a Seal Matrix. Now there were no restrictions. She could fly, pass through floors and walls, go wherever the hell she wanted and do whatever the hell she wanted. She was Mito Uzumaki, bitch. No one told her what to do.

This was only a temporary thing, however. No, not the fact she could do whatever she wanted; that _was_ permanent. No, the fact she was a ghost was only temporary. Mito wanted to return to life again – you know, the eating, breathing, filling-everyone-with-despair-because-Sealing thing. But she didn't want her wrinkly old body. Fuck old age.

Made life right miserable, it did. It got so bad that Mito couldn't get out of bed, and that wasn't truly living. At all. Living involved creating Seals, flipping the bird to any and all rules because rules are stupid and never should have been invented.

So yeah. Fuck old age. Mito was gonna get a new body that would never age. Carpe diem, mothafucka!

… So there ya go. The two reasons Tsunade and Dan couldn't just sweep the incident under the rug.

They were so screwed. And it proved true when Kushina barged onto the property of the Senju Compound on the day of Minarai's death. Apparently on personal business due to some anonymous tipoff (*cough* Ibiki *cough*). She was in and out in less than two minutes, pulling Tsunade along by the ear.

Nobody had seen Tsunade in a week.

* * *

On another front, the Uchiha Clan Head's two sons had taken over two office buildings somewhere in the middle of the Hidden Leaf that were across the road from each other. Itachi tried to convince his brother to move to the outskirts of the village, as he had the center adequately covered, but Sasuke only saw that as Itachi trying to have all the business – good and bad – for himself. Sasuke wanted to outdo his brother, damn it! He couldn't very do that if Itachi had cornered the market while he was left with the scraps, now could he?

What was scary for the residents of the Hidden Leaf, however, was the fact that no one knew where the Uchiha siblings set up shop. That was the problem with overly zealous therapists with super-powered eyes; they felt the compelling need to erase any and all knowledge of their office locations. When asked about it once, Itachi's answer was not comforting in the least.

"We live in a ninja village, correct? Therefore, we are ninja therapists."

For indeed, no one willingly went to Itachi or Sasuke. No one was that braindead stupid. No, patients were selected at random – well, random to the people of the Hidden Leaf. They were all reasonably sure there was some kind of crazy system to their process of selection; they were all just too blessed with sanity to properly understand it.

In actuality, the selection process _was_ at random. Neither Sasuke nor Itachi could be sure which shinobi needed 'psychological help' the most, so they went by process of elimination. Civilians that were accidentally nabbed were released the soonest, and were given a box of chocolates by way of apology. Genin and early-career Chunin were released at the second fastest rate; they weren't as fun as Jonin and veteran shinobi, since they hadn't experienced enough to know true battlefield trauma. By way of apology, those people were given helpful pamphlets that would help fast-track them to Jonin level.

Not that the smarter would-be patients actually took those pamphlets to heart; even with their memories wiped after their impromptu visit to the psychiatrist, the smart ones picked up on the general pandemonium going on with their superiors and had no desire to fast-track to Jonin to find out what the big deal was.

Such was current shinobi life in the Hidden Leaf Village.

It must be said, though, that while the Uchiha siblings used similar methods of mind-fucking their patients, they had quite the different roster of secretaries and assistants. Yes, they had assistants; what, you thought that they worked alone? If they did that, business would be slow and the atmosphere in the village would be so laidback that people would start to investigate and eventually discover their office buildings.

No, no, no. The Uchiha brothers 'employed' people to nab random people and man the front desks. No paperwork, though; this was supposed to be a stress-relieving job… for the workers, anyway. For the patients, well… It was decidedly more stress-inducing. With the lack of true paperwork – in Itachi's firm, he did like to keep his 'notes' on his patients on record, but the notes were stored in filing cabinets randomly and were kept more to look back and giggle on – there were shinobi actually willing to work pro bono.

The job was that fun.

For Sasuke, he had loyal employees like Karin and Jugo. He'd also persuaded a lot of the T&I Division to join his ranks, much to Itachi's irritation. Not too many of the higher-ups, though – with the exceptions of Ino and Sai. Yes, Sai ended up joining the T&I Division… Odd, that. Or perhaps not. Meh. One might wonder why the T&I Division would want to go into the Therapy business, but they'd be silly for doing so. With the world at peace – well, well-concealed pandemonium at this point – the T&I guys really didn't have much of a job to do anymore, what with so few rogue and enemy shinobi out there.

They didn't want their talents to go to waste. And even though the Uchiha brothers' firms weren't really for the benefit of troubled individuals, they were still good for a few chuckles. They had no qualms with messing with the people of the Hidden Leaf; their line of work didn't allow much room for 'sympathy.' Whatever that was.

Itachi's firm, though… his noticeably had more high-profile workers. Kisame, Anko, Ibiki, Inoichi, and Hidan's head were the main highlights. … You're wondering about the last one, though, aren't you? It's okay, everybody does. Long story short, Itachi wanted something that he could consult with, but he didn't want a dumb ol' eight-ball. Hidan's head just so happened to be the most amusing thing to consult with.

Long story a little longer, Itachi heard Hidan's head was still buried out in the Nara's woods somewhere, and he wanted to give the immortal something to do before some Jashinists decided to crawl out of the woodwork and rescue Hidan. Hey, when you're a shinobi, you learn to keep an open mind to all possibilities, no matter how small or 'ridiculous.' Anyways, Hidan was a little reluctant at first (read: used a liberal amount of swear words and threats, enough to make a Hidden Mist sailor blush), but one Sharingan glare from Itachi, and the cultist was onboard with whatever Itachi had in mind.

Very amusing to have Hidan man the front desk indeed. He'd have even the manliest and womanliest of patients freaked out before Itachi had them called back to his office. No matter hard Sasuke tried, he would never be able to compete with a disembodied head as a receptionist. Never.

Still, if there was one thing Itachi was grateful to Sasuke for it was the Rinnegan eye that he graciously donated. Itachi hated being blind in one eye, and having Izuna's only remaining Rinnegan would ensure that he would at least be able to see out of one eye for the rest of his life. Liberal use of Tsukuyomi still deteriorated his eyesight, after all… Still. Tenzo was helpful in that regard. With how much he'd used his Mangekyo in the last week, Itachi shouldn't have been able to see anything out of that eye at all, but constant eye surgeries with Tenzo's Wood Style ensured that the deterioration was slowed down significantly.

Itachi would eventually need to work out a more permanent solution, though. Sasuke spoke of the possibility of his old Mangekyo being around somewhere – Tobi wouldn't have simply destroyed them. He had a whole room full of Sharingan eyes stored in jars back in the Mountains' Graveyard; they should be among that collection still. Problem was, the Hidden Leaf confiscated all those Sharingan eyes after they raided that base after the War's conclusion. Wouldn't even give them back to the Uchiha after they'd returned to life, stupid higher-ups.

Itachi resolved to look into it soon. After all, going to see Tenzo ate up time, and Sasuke was beginning to catch up in total number of mind-fucks, thanks to his Eternal Mangekyo. Itachi prided himself on owning the most successful, most elite therapy institution in the village thanks to his employees; he had to do his utmost best as their commanding officer. Tsukuyomi was his most powerful tool for dealing with the troublesome patients, so he would need to acquire an Eternal Mangekyo as well, in order to stay ahead of the competition.

Not that Sasuke's chances boded well for him at this current time. Nope. Sasuke's problem was that he and his firm took the nights off. Itachi's firm was open twenty four hours. People were even whisked away out of the comfort of their beds in the dead of night for impromptu therapy sessions with Itachi; that was the main thing keeping Itachi ahead of Sasuke in total number of mind-fucks.

Yup. The people of the Hidden Leaf did not feel very safe at all…

* * *

On yet another front, Naruto was beginning to feel exceedingly uncomfortable. Hinata-chan was acting weird; it'd been that way all week.

For one, Hinata wanted him over at the Hyuga Compound whenever he had free time. Which was… actually a lot, considering all the crazy stuff going on. A few times Sasuke or that one chick Karin would try to get the jump on him to 'help him with his issues,' but a few Rasenshurikens later, and they had resolved not to bother him anymore.

It totally helped to be in sync with Kurama. Naruto didn't like to think what would happen if Sasuke actually got the drop on him one of those times; probably nothing good, that's for sure. Kaka-sensei had been locked in his room in the Uzumaki Mansion for the past week, and had ordered for his food and drink to be served through a newly installed flap in the door. He'd been muttering about something that Sasuke's big bro had done… or somethin'. Naruto couldn't understand half of Kaka-sensei's ramblings nowadays.

Sakura-chan was still recovering in the hospital, so Naruto couldn't hang out with her. His mom was too busy with some 'project' with her friend Mikoto, and his dad had been forced back into the Hokage position thanks to Kaka-sensei. Tons of crazy stuff going on with the Hokage duties; apparently the Uzumaki Clan would be coming to the Hidden Leaf any day now, and Tenzo was slaving away at building a new collection of houses outside the village walls, while other shinobi, mostly Anbu, were constructing a new wall to keep those new houses within the bounds of the expanded village.

Essentially, Minato didn't want to be running an anarchy, and they were teetering on the edge of that thanks to Sasuke and his big bro. Among other things. Minato explained to a confused Naruto that there would be even more pandemonium with the additional presence of the Uzumaki, so their lodgings would all be placed outside the core of the Leaf Village. Yes, that would mean they would become more like a Hidden City, but if it meant preserving what little sanity the villagers had left, then so be it.

Isobu and Chomei had to move to accommodate the hardworking shinobi, but they didn't mind. Much. They could still protect Big Bro Asura. Well, his reincarnation.

… Anyways. Naruto did help with that project by daily sending out droves of Shadow Clones, but he himself was left with nothing to do. Many a shinobi, like most of his graduating class, volunteered to help with the construction project, so Naruto had very few people to socialize with. He'd met up with Nagato, Konan, and Yahiko at some point, and gotten along smashingly with all of them. They'd talked about returning to the Hidden Rain, but decided against it when the week found the Hidden Leaf shinobi forces increasingly congregating in the second level of their work-in-progress Hidden City.

They didn't want to leave Jiraiya-sensei's home undefended at its core… Well, and Yahiko kinda didn't want to be in a place that revered him as a god. As a kid that was all he wanted, to be a vengeful god that fought back the unfairness of life and brought peace to the world. It's a great idea in theory, but positively feels weird in practice. Unless you're power-hungry or certifiably insane, all that reverence will just feel… wrong. Like, the people ignore all your past hardships and just look at how 'powerful' you are now.

Yahiko really didn't want that. He wanted an average life now. Besides, the world was more at peace than ever before, and the Hidden Rain was no longer a doormat. Problem solved.

Well, not really. The world was more chaotic now than at peace; that's the main reason the trio decided to stick around. If they could restore order to the Hidden Leaf, then they could do the same to the other villages that were undoubtedly in similar states of pandemonium. International conflicts might be at an ideal low, but internal panic was at an all-new high.

… Yeah. Good luck with that 'order' thing. Whatever it is. Sounds like something a civilian would come up with… or something… Meh.

At any rate, Naruto left the trio to their own devices after pleading (read: using the Chibi puppy-dog stare) with his dad to get Nagato a new pair of eyes. Kami knew the guy needed them... That still left Naruto with a lot of free time, though. Much of which was spent at the Hyuga Compound at Hinata-chan's behest.

Problem was, though, that Hinata-chan wasn't the only one acting weird. Rin-chan had been acting weird, too; she'd been joined with him at the hip. Asking him all kinds o' questions, and telling him all about herself. What bothered Naruto the most was that one look that Obito would give him whenever Rin got into one of those moods, like he'd stolen Obito's ramen or something, and Obito was plotting revenge.

"You see this? This is a stink-eye, and I'm giving it to you!" Came Obito's answer when Naruto asked about it. Though he never would elaborate _why_ he was giving Naruto a stink-eye…

Naruto was really at a loss. Especially when Hinata flipped the few times that he'd brought Rin-chan along with him to the Hyuga Compound. The first time the tension in the air could be cut with a butter knife… The second time, well… It was much, much more interesting for a young man like Naruto.

"L-L-Let go of Naruto-kun's arm, s-skank!"

Naruto looked between Hinata-chan and Rin-chan, confused. Rin just clung to his right arm tighter. … What was a skank?

"Make me!" Rin's 'friendly' smile twitched ever so slightly.

"Naruto-kun is _mine_!" Hinata seethed, activating her Byakugan.

"He's not married yet, so he's fair game!" Rin insisted.

"He is my _boyfriend_!"

… Only in the loosest terms, at least as far as Naruto was concerned. They'd gone out a few times, and he'd liked her company. The whole dating thing was still very new to the blond, so he didn't really see a difference between 'friend' and 'girlfriend' yet. Such is the life of a man with an orphan-upbringing, however.

What? Naruto asked Sakura to go out with him all the time in the Academy because he'd seen older boys ask out older girls, and they'd been ecstatic at the time. All Naruto really wanted in the Academy was a friend; whoever thought he was aware of what it meant to ask someone out on a date when he was seven years old, well… let's just say they weren't very bright. Naruto was a pretty simple child. He did eventually grow to have a crush on Sakura, but even then, he wanted the pinkette as a friend first. He didn't have too many of those back then.

"I still have a shot then! My clock is ticking, damn it, and I refuse to date Lord Third's grandson! That's even weirder than dating Sensei's son!"

… Eh? When did Konohamaru and Rin-chan meet?

"N-Not my problem, bitch!"

When Rin didn't budge from Naruto's right arm, Hinata lunged forward. A cloud of dust was kicked up as the two started a graphic catfight, and Naruto barely managed to get his arm out of dodge in time. He stood off to the side perplexed for a while, but then his eyes glazed over as the catfight progressively became clearer.

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do here, so Naruto kind of just… watched. It felt so, so right somehow. Naruto would have created a Shadow Clone to go and ask Jiraiya-sensei what he was supposed to do in this situation, but he decided against it. He instinctually didn't want to miss a second of this, and he kinda suspected his Shadow Clone wouldn't have wanted to miss it either.

Besides, Jiraiya-sensei had been missing for a week. Naruto wasn't sure why, though. He'd apparently been dangling above the hot springs a week ago, but then he'd just up and vanished… So weird.

Then the clothes-ripping began, and Naruto's thinking all shut down in favor of watching this spectacle and only this spectacle. Oh Kami, if this is why Jiraiya peeps… Naruto is so, so sorry that he interfered at all… Even if Rin-chan is like four or five years younger than Hinata-chan… It was still… amazing…

* * *

Meanwhile, the Fourth Mizukage was penning a letter that was to be sent to eight individuals… Nine counting Mifune. If all went to plan, they would be hosting the first-ever Jinchuriki pow-wow. … Well, they weren't quite Jinchuriki anymore… or at least he wasn't. He was honestly curious to see the others in real life, though. That brief encounter on the innermost depth of the Tailed Beasts' psyche was hardly enough to get to know all them. Especially the Nine-Tails' brat.

Call him a little kid, would he?

Mifune shouldn't be too upset about their sudden arrival, right? Right.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **This… This was fun, duckies. Short time-skip, but it's for the sake of keeping things interesting. Lots of stuff still going on, and I'm honestly not sure which of these things will come out first – the arrival of the Uzumaki, the Jinchuriki pow-wow, the fate of the Sannin… Could be any of those. Or none of those. Depends on what I feel like doing, come next chapter update. :D**

 **I didn't quite get to the former Jinchuriki like I wanted to this time; too much fun with certain parts. But as I stated before, I will be getting around to everything I can get my grubby, furiously-typing hands on. I'm stuck on certain bits, like Itachi-the-therapist, because I just like those certain bits. Lots of opportunity for humor with that one… :D**

 **Review Replies:**

 **ultima-owner: Yes, yes he does… :D**

 **arcabrad1: I know, I know. A bit late to split the fic, though… When I wrap this thing up, I might just split off the first two chapters from everything else. As I'd initially intended. For now, I'm trying to keep everyone on the same page.**

 **Simgr101: I** _ **know**_ **about Part One!Hiruzen. About how he was heralded as the 'God of Shinobi.' About how he was a badass. But honestly, after Part Two that went out the window with the expanded knowledge of Hashirama, Madara, the Sage of Six Paths, etc. Hiruzen was the strongest because we didn't know how legendary Hashirama and Madara were.**

 **Hell, if he was as badass as you make him out to be, he should've been back to that status as a Reanimation, 'cause he had unlimited Chakra and a body that would never die (unless hit with Sage attacks).** _ **That's**_ **why I don't view Hiruzen as strong as you do. I'm not making him out to be a weakling – he's** _ **not**_ **– but compared to the likes of Kaguya, Hagoromo, Madara, and Hashirama, he doesn't stand up. I like a story with onion layers; you peel back a layer and learn more. That's what Naruto was from Part One to Part Two.**

 **I suppose we'll just agree to disagree about 'prime!Hiruzen,' but that's okay. Everything stated here is my opinion; if you don't like it, oh well. I base my opinion by looking at the whole of the series as much as possible – if we purely looked at Part One, they hadn't ironed out the details of the Sharingan and Tailed Beasts yet. In the beginning, only a few in Sasuke's family had awoken the Sharingan, but come Part Two, more than a few do. Shukaku was speculated to be the spirit of some monk in the beginning, but come Part Two he was a Tailed Beast like Kurama, sealed in a monk instead of being the monk himself.**

 **That's why I tend to like Part Two slightly more than Part One; the details are ironed out more. Again, that's just what I think. You're allowed your opinion, too – though I'd rather not argue about this more, since we've both made our points about it...**

 **Other than this, I'm glad you're liking it so far! ^^**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Yup, yup… Jinchuriki pow-wow to come. :D Glad you're liking it so far!**

 **Darkconvoy99: Hehehe… Let's just say the Sannin'll be a package deal. Those poor souls. :D RinNaruHina is just beginning. Mwahahaha… :D**

 **reydrago: … I dunno. Orochimaru's not the only one being tortured anymore. XD**

 **FictionLover12: Much, much more to come. ^^**

 **mmaallek: Only problem with steering clear of canon pairings is that I would have to create the next generation myself, and I'd really rather not have that many significant OCs…. That's the only reason canonical pairs might still happen. I wanna showcase the crazy being passed onto Boruto's generation… eventually… As for Hinata, there will be much coming from her in that regard… Maybe not to the extent that she becomes a second Obito or anything, but there'll definitely plenty of crazy…**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: I like stressing how screwed they are with Mito. I like it a lot. :D … I have not worked out the mechanics of Gaara's sand quite yet. Was it Karura? Was it Shukaku? The world may never know. … Until something hits me, and I** _ **do**_ **kinda like the idea of Karura killing those that tried to harm her son… or just didn't like him… with the exception of ultimately killing Yashamaru. That was just weird. :P Poking fun at paperwork will never grow old. :D Itachi just got a million times worse, bro… He's got a firm, employees, and everything… Be very, very afraid. XD Just wait until Mito, Kushina, and Mikoto reunite… I almost had a scene with Izuna again. Almost. I like the idea of him having a sixth sense for whenever his eyes or whenever the concept of blindness is brought up… I might just bring it up in the future. :D**


	13. Addendum 11

**Addendum Eleven: Or whatever happened to the Sannin?**

Tsunade's brows knit close together as she began to regain consciousness. As she flexed her hands experimentally, she found they were bound to some kind of armrests. Overall, her body felt tingly and weird, but she could at least recognize she was secured in some special type of chair; struggling literally did nothing to the restraints, and she could tell her Chakra was being suppressed somehow.

It took Tsunade a moment to remember the last thing that happened to her. When she managed to recollect that, she sat rigidly and looked around her surroundings warily.

"What the hell?" Tsunade noticed Jiraiya and Orochimaru were secured to similar, albeit different-looking chairs right next to her. They were struggling to get out of their chairs like she had been doing, and the three of them were in a row and facing some kind of staircase, which led up to a large double-door. The décor in the place was friggin' weird, though. The floor was made of black and white tiles, there was a chandelier above the staircase, and a collection of bizarre art pieces adorned the walls in… whatever room they were in.

Seemed like a mansion, except not. Something was off about the place, like it was specially designed… Y'know, potential secret passages and the like. It sure wasn't the Uzumaki Mansion, at least as far as Tsunade could tell.

"Why can't I gather Nature Chakra?!" Jiraiya bellowed, beginning to feel desperate at being restrained in some weird-ass chair and being unable to get out of it.

Orochimaru, who could not speak because of some restraint over his mouth, glared at his two former teammates. Which seemed really odd to Tsunade, considering they'd been on reasonably good terms after the Fourth War concluded.

"You two don't happen to know where we are, do you?" Tsunade asked dryly, receiving a shake of the head from Jiraiya and another glare from the gagged Orochimaru.

"You're right where you belong, my duckies!" The Sannin all tilted their heads as one to look up at the top of the staircase, which now had an open door at the top and the silhouette of a redheaded man standing there with arms raised grandiosely. "You're in _school_! A special remedial school designed specifically for you incorrigible lot."

The redhead leaped onto one of the railings of the staircase and slid down it expertly, managing to land on his feet and twirl the cane he was holding.

"It's high time someone reminded you how you got your name. You've grown too big for your britches, mates, but don't you worry! This School of Misbehavin' Legends will sort you out."

Tsunade twitched ever so slightly.

"What the hell do I need remedial classes for?!"

The redhead smirked snidely at Tsunade's query. He tapped his cane on the ground, and a random screen dropped down from the ceiling.

"Lemme see…" The redhead straightened his glasses as he tapped the screen with his cane. A new image was revealed with each tap. "Binge drinking, reluctance to do paperwork, addiction to gambling, nasty temper, failure to supervise an honorable relative (who died, by the way)… You got a list a mile long, love! You mighta been Hokage, but that's not a free pass to be irresponsible, now is it?"

A tick mark appeared over Tsunade's forehead, but she didn't verbally respond. The redhead tapped the screen again.

"Jiraiya. We got you on accounts of binge drinking, stealing money from your godson and wasting it, shoving your godson off a cliff, multiple accounts of being a raging pervert, and failure to take in your godson when he had nobody left! Tsk, tsk, tsk. So much for the 'Gallant' Jiraiya, eh? Bad form, guvnor, bad form."

Jiraiya opened his mouth to loudly protest, but the redhead was already moving on and tapping the screen again.

"And finally… Orochimaru." The redhead paused, turned to face Orochimaru, and then slid his hand down his face in an exaggerated gesture. "… Well. Do _you_ really need explainin'? You need to work on your everything, old chap. Such a shame, too; you had such _potential_ when you were the Third's student, didn't you? Eh, we'll get you sorted out. Eventually. Might hurt a bit."

Tsunade couldn't take it anymore.

"Just who are you?! How long have we been out?"

The redhead tapped his chin thoughtfully as he considered Tsunade's questions. He chuckled aloud after a few moments.

"Ah, well, see, I'm not sure about that one. There's no sense of time in this institution, 'cause you'll be here for as long as it takes. As for who I am, well…" The redhead twirled his cane again, and then pointed it at Tsunade. "Just call me Uncle Moddie! I'm an Artificial Intelligence created by the lovely Kushina Uzumaki for the sole purpose of teachin' you sprogs a lesson! And this lovely institution was a, eh, _collaboration_ by Lady Kushina and Lady Mikoto Uchiha. Fine specimens of women, ain't they? They developed all this _just for you_! You'll either learn your lessons or die miserably. Either works for the divine mistresses, but I'm told to at least _try_ 'n rehabilitate you. Hehe."

… Not a single one of the Sannin liked the implications of that introduction. Didn't like it _at all_. … And what the fuck were sprogs?

* * *

"Where the hell is Kakashi?" Sakumo Hatake muttered under his breath as he closed the door to the Hokage's Office behind him. He'd just left a meeting with Minato – bless his little heart for picking up his son's slack.

Really. If the Uzumaki were coming to town, Kakashi's first priority should have been preparing the village for the craziness to come. Not run and hide like a little child. Yes, okay, the Uzumaki were a little touched in the head… _Very_ touched in the head… But that was still no excuse to act like their paranoid enemies, who had nuked the hell out of the Land of Whirlpools until there wasn't even dust left.

Okay, sliiight exaggeration there, but it's close enough to what happened… And by the way, what's a nuke?

… Anyway. Son who callously abandoned his Hokage duties aside, Sakumo was happy enough to be back. Sure, initially he'd wanted nothing more than to commit Seppuku again rather than face the disdain of the villagers again, but then he'd found that his wife was brought back, too. And the villagers were treating him with _much_ better regard. It was kinda creepy seeing their attitudes toward him flipping one-eighty. He was still wary of them for that reason, naturally.

Sakumo froze in his ruminations as he walked past a nearby park. The initial reason was because of the most surreal Genjutsu being cast over a wide area; well, 'Genjutsu' doesn't really convey the truth of what was happening. Because it couldn't be Jutsu. Those two _could not_ cast Genjutsu to save their life.

And yet there they were, having a touching reunion out in the open like nobody was watching. Like mothers weren't shielding the eyes of their children. Or someone randomly wasn't crying, "My eyes!"

But still. There was no possible explanation for a _hug_ generating a picturesque scene of a vibrant sunset and waves crashing against a cliffside. It is just not done.

"GUY!"

"DADDY!"

"GUY!"

"DADDY!"

" _GUY_!"

" _DADDY_!"

Before long, Sakumo just began walking away. In the complete opposite direction of that disturbing sight. Sakumo shuddered as he shook his head to clear it of that almost-encounter. Who knew Guy would grow up to be a carbon copy of his father? Just without the mustache. Nope, nope, nope. Sakumo did _not_ want to think about that.

Think happy thoughts. Think happy, fluffy kittens… Oh kami. Why did he have to randomly see _that_? That atrocious image would never go away now. Gah!

* * *

For once in his life, Sai could say that he was well and truly _happy_. Really, really happy. He'd been working hard on reading and expressing emotions during his time as Naruto's teammate and especially now after the war, when he had more free time than he knew what to do with. But he couldn't really recall a time that he was this happy. Not even after going on a few dates with Ino.

… Which would really annoy the hell out of most straight men, because Ino was _hot_. One did not simply be anything less than blissfully happy when out on a date with a hot chick like Ino. It just was not done.

But Sai was really happy now. Really, really happy. Sasuke Uchiha had done a very good deed by bringing Shin back. And Sakura had similarly done a very good deed by curing Shin's illness, just like she had cured Itachi's. Did we mention that Sai loved Team Seven? Each and every one of them.

Life was good.

That was why Sai had elected to help Sasuke out. It was only fair. Even if Sasuke was terrorizing the people of the Hidden Leaf more by giving them these impromptu therapy sessions, Sai still owed Sasuke his life for returning Big Brother Shin to him. It was only natural for Ino to be dragged along for the ride, too; her allegiances had shifted from Sasuke to Sai, for some inexplicable reason. Sai was still trying to work that out.

Still, Ino had nothing to do with the current set of circumstances. Sai was currently standing in Sasuke's Office with another incapacitated vic… er… _patient_ on the floor. Seriously. They were patients. Yup.

"Sai…" Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose as he gestured to the latest patient. "Why the hell did you bring _him_ in? I am _not_ going to rehabilitate this guy. No way."

Sai tilted his head to the side curiously.

"I just did as you said. I grabbed a random person and hurried him here. Surely he needs _some_ therapy."

Sasuke shuddered and pointed angrily at the patient on the floor.

" _No_. I am not going anywhere near him. Shino does _bugs_. I don't want any inquiries about Shino's 'mysterious disappearance' because I lost my cool and decided to burn all of Shino's bugs, and consequently Shino, with Amaterasu.

Sai seemed to consider Sasuke's words, and opened his mouth to offer a rebuttal when Sasuke crisply cut him off.

" _I said no_!"

Sai shrugged uncaringly and decided to acquiesce. Hey, he might have loved each and every member of Team Seven, but that didn't mean he _understood_ their eccentricities. Sasuke in particular was weird, moreso than Naruto and Sakura.

But then, he _was_ an Uchiha. Maybe that's why Lord Danzo had wanted them all dead all those years ago? Did he fear a second coming of the Uzumaki or something?

"Just get Shino out of my sight…" Sasuke grumbled and sighed in annoyance. As Sai moved to acquiesce, he sent in Karin with the next patient. "… Kiba. Much better. And you even got his little doggy, too!"

… Well, okay… Akamaru wasn't so little anymore… It's the principle of the thing. It's two mind-fucks for the price of one. Sorta.

* * *

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your fucking order?"

The fat middle-aged civilian tilted his head curiously at the front-counter cashier. There was something very odd about this.

"Um… I'll take a Cola, a Big Mac, and a Large Fries. Could you, um… stand up, sir?"

"Can't do that, dipshit. I don't have a fucking body, and the Manager is so fucking stingy that he won't rustle me up one. Fucking Uchiha and their fucking paranoia… I wouldn't go on a fucking massacre… much…"

… Well, if that didn't stop the civilian's heart. The man turned pale as a sheet of paper and fainted dead away. The knowledge that the head at the counter with the cute McDonalds hat and headset was just that – a head without a body – was too much to handle.

Hidan grumbled and cursed under his breath.

"Cleanup on fucking Aisle Three! We got another Civvie in here!"

With that said, two shinobi in black McDonalds uniforms burst through a set of doors behind the front counter and gingerly carried the 'customer' out of the 'restaurant,' intent on carrying him to the dumpster out back.

Hey, when you don't want anyone to know where your firm is located, the first thing you do isn't to put a subtle Genjutsu on it to make everyone steer clear of it. That would get you caught and prosecuted in a ninja village. No, no. The first thing you do is dress-up the reception area real pretty and make it look friendly to the occasional Anbu coming to check in on you, to make sure you're not pulling one over them. In this case, Itachi wanted to pass off his firm as an unassuming McDonalds. Whenever Anbu patrols came by, they would just remove Hidan from the front counter and have a lesser-known T&I member run it.

And then Hidan would be returned to the front counter, where he belonged. Because it was fucking hilarious to Itachi and all his coworkers. Civvies who wandered into the firm would be rendered unconscious by Hidan's… uniqueness, and be carried to the dumpster out back, while shinobi would be captured and brought up to Itachi, Ibiki, Anko, Kisame, Inoichi, or whoever else was available at the time.

It's nothing personal. Just business.

The sad part is that Sasuke mimicked Itachi's novel idea and furnished _his_ reception area into a makeshift Burger King. Foolish Little Brother. That is why his business could not hope to compete with Itachi's.

* * *

Minato Namikaze was known to be a very patient man. He dearly loved his village and all the people within it, and he would willingly die for it via the Death Reaper Seal, which would result in his immortal Soul being confined to the Shinigami's digestive tract. He would willingly sacrifice his son to confine a Nine-Tailed Demon Fox whose head was bigger than a two-story house and would sooner or later obliterate his beloved village. And he would willingly put his star student, who had developed severe psychological issues due to the tragic loss of his teammates, into the rigorous and unforgiving work of his elite Anbu Guard.

… Okay, that last one didn't sound as selfless as the others; in fact, it kinda sounded negligent on his part. But we're ignoring that for now. Minato was a patient, doting leader of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. He would give up both his arms to keep it safe.

But this was going a bit too far. Preparing for the arrival of the Uzumaki, hunting down the Uchiha Brothers (and their former T&I Division), tackling the paperwork, dealing with all kinds of shinobi returned to life, keeping Kushina and Mikoto to a confined area of the village for everyone's brittle sanity, and the spectral return of Lady Mito, Minato could handle all that. With painkillers, a bunch of all-nighters, and a pinch of Uzumaki-brand luck.

But Naruto's love life? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, _no_. There is a _reason_ that it is the _mother_ who deals with the son's love life. Just as there is a reason for the _father_ to deal with his daughter's love life. For one, it's fun to threaten potential boyfriends… hehe.

But seriously though. Men know what boys are like – or can be like. That's why it's easier to deal with a child of the opposite sex than you, generally speaking. A man will look at his son's fangirl following and feel a swell of pride… if they're even slightly perverted, anyway. Just as the mother will look at her daughter's fanboy following and laughably dismiss it as 'boys will be boys.'

Minato wasn't perverted. He really wasn't. Despite who his Sensei was, Minato wasn't into porn in the least, and he didn't perv on women in the real world. He was a prude. A man too dedicated to his wife – at least according to Jiraiya-sensei. That's why Minato just didn't know what to think about the 'harem' his son had going on. Especially the women involved in this so-called harem.

Minato knew for a fact that _he_ was uncomfortable with the fact that his former student was into his son. He knew Kushina would probably cheer the girl on, though. … And then there was the Hyuga girl. Hiashi's daughter. That didn't bother him as much as Rin; really, the only thing 'wrong' with Hiashi's daughter's infatuation with his son was the fact that if they did marry, Naruto would probably be marrying into the Hyuga Clan.

Because the Hyuga liked adding onto their prestige. A well-known fact.

Still, maybe Minato could pull the Hokage card in this case; keep his son an Uzumaki. For one, it would keep Kushina from wiping out one of the Hidden Leaf's most prestigious clans for taking her Baby Boy away – don't look at me like that, you _know_ she would. For two, little Hinata-chan wouldn't get a Caged Bird…

Oh yeah. She did wipe out that tradition didn't she? Well, less paperwork for him. A bonus. A wonderful, wonderful bonus.

At any rate, if he had his way, Naruto would marry the Hyuga girl. But Minato knew he wouldn't be getting his way here, because Kushina would _sympathize_ with Rin and her 'plight.' And she'd pull the Clan Restoration Act card on him, so simply forbidding Naruto from having more than one wife would put him in Kushina's cross-hairs.

He needed to pass the buck. Pass it to someone who would just as strongly oppose the union of Rin and Naruto. Someone who would take the brunt of Kushina's Righteous Fury if he went and banned the Clan Restoration Act, or just forbade her son from marrying Rin. Someone who wasn't doing anything of particular note in these tumultuous times. And Minato knew just who to pass the buck to, too, because Minato was retiring from being Hokage for _good_. He didn't want to deal with job that would quite easily get more complicated when the Uzumaki arrived.

Sure, he felt just a _little_ bit guilty for dumping all the chaos into Obito's lap, but… They were shinobi. Technically they weren't supposed to have emotions. Which is the reasoning Minato used as he filed out the paperwork for appointing Obito as the Sixth Hokage – after all, Kakashi hadn't been at the job too long. Maybe a couple years. Meh. Naruto was going to be the Seventh Hokage if Minato had anything to say about it; seven was truly his number, given how _lucky_ he was.

The only longstanding issue was correcting the head on the Hokage Mountain… Sorry, Kakashi, but you snooze, you lose. Minato had no regrets. Obito had goosebumps running up his back, though. And not the good kind.

* * *

Kakuzu eyed the Uchiha strangely as they stood at an impasse in the forested area of Fire Country. Kakuzu didn't know why he was brought back, nor why Itachi Uchiha was approaching him about a business proposition, but… what he did know was that he was _not_ a fan of the Hidden Leaf. At all.

"And why, pray tell, would I want to work at your 'psychiatrist office,' when I could go back to collecting bounties?"

"You'll get to see Hidan's disembodied head manning a front desk." Itachi's Shadow Clone offered.

"…"

"Your mastery of money is unrivalled, and we could really use someone like you to manage our funds." Itachi tried appealing to his better nature.

"…"

The Shadow Clone of Itachi sighed and handed over a check, saying that was his first paycheck, which would be handed out monthly. It was only a fraction of what he had been compensated for going through with the Uchiha Massacre, but the sound of a cash register rang through the forest all the same.

"That's _a lot_ of zeroes," Kakuzu grinned gleefully behind his mask. "I'll do it!"

And just like that, the man who was contracted to assassinate the First Hokage – and failed – was contracted by the Hidden Leaf to be a treasurer. … Sorta.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Right. First off, to all of you _not_ wanting canon pairings, I'm sorry, but they're gonna happen... For the most part. Trust me when I say that some of my opinions will bleed into the end result for pairings. Like Sasuke. I have a plan for Sasuke, and it doesn't end up with him falling madly in love with Sakura (sorry SakuSasu shippers). I just don't see Sasuke seriously falling in love with anybody. His whole purpose would have been to repopulate the Uchiha Clan, so why stop with one girl?**

 **But with the Uchiha Clan's return... Well, even though Sasuke doesn't HAVE to go the 'repopulation' route, I still want to have some fun with him in that regard. :D**

 **I'm still working out the other shippings, but I think I'm fine with most of the others. Except Naruto, who will definitely be having a harem-ish - can two girls count as a harem? Meh.** **This story isn't about pairings. It's supposed to be pure crack. I probably should've made this a genfic, but it's a bit late for that now. :P**

 **And as for continuing to make these chapters addendums, as I've told you time and again, I eventually intend to break off the original fic (the first two chapters) from the addendums. I don't want to do that while I'm in the midst of continuing this, 'cause some people wouldn't realize. If you could guarantee every follower would be aware that I didn't just discontinue 'That was Anticlimactic,' then I'd gladly make the break now. As it is, I'll just wait 'til this is over and done before making the break.**

 **Aaall the addendums are meant to be a part of a sister fic, which I haven't properly titled yet. :P**

 **So, I realized that with Hidan being brought into the mix, that left only Sasori and Kakuzu of the Akatsuki not being brought back… Well, and White Zetsu, but… Meh. My point is, it's kinda silly to bring back most of the Akatsuki and not bring them back, too. I'm sure we'll have hilarity with those two, too. Kakuzu's obsession with money is fun to poke at. :D**

 **So. Minor crossover, my duckies, but I think this'll be the only one. Mad Mod – dubbed 'Uncle Moddie' here – is from the Teen Titans, as is the décor of the room the Sannin found themselves in. It's not really a full-blown crossover, 'cause 'Uncle Moddie' was created by the 'lovely' Kushina in this world; plus, they don't really have a concept of 'British' in the Naruto-verse, so Moddie won't be around for long. Just a few chapters to torment the Sannin. Really, I look at Mad Mod, see red hair and think 'Uzumaki.' I'm weird like that, I suppose. XD**

 **Plus, his feats of hypnotism and the like can be translated into Sharingan hypnotism or Uzumaki Seals, so I don't think it's overstepping bounds too badly. Hope I can do ol' Moddie justice here. :D**

 **Ah, and 'sprogs' is another word for kids in British English. I just added that in to confuse the Sannin and simultaneously add insult to injury. 'Cause biologically, they're furthest from being 'sprogs' as they can be. Moddie's just havin' some fun. :D What Moddie is will be revealed in time, but I will say outright he's not a robot. Too sci-fi-ish for the Naruto-verse. He's an AI, but he's not really based in any computer. I kinda took the AI concept and changed it like Kishimoto slightly changed up the concept of reincarnations. Moddie's based in something else entirely. :D**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Thanks for the review! ^^**

 **AJGuardian: Glad to help. I certainly find crackfics are good for when I'm stressed, helps me loosen up. Happy to help others, like you, in similar ways. ^^**

 **mmaallek: See the main note above for the 'pairings' bit. Don't worry about me rushing things; I'm not just going to jump to Boruto's generation anytime soon. There's still a looot to cover in the current one. I've barely scratched the surface, because I can't get my muse off of a select group of characters. I can still do a lot with the other nations and with characters I've barely referenced so far. There's no plot to this thing, but I don't see myself jumping to Boruto anywhere in the next few (or even several) chapters. Glad you're still liking it, though!**

 **Simgr101: … I'll admit, I jumped the gun a little, but that's what you get with digital interaction. I miss some of the context because I can't tell if something's said in jest or something. My apologies. Glad it's still goin' good so far! I think Itachi gaining Sasuke's original eyes is somewhere in the future of this fic. :P And I plan for lots more fun with the Hina-Naru-Rin tug-of war. XD**

 **ultima-owner: Hidan amuses me. :D**

 **SeabeeGR: Thanks! ^^**

 **Whitehyper21: Ahaha… You see underneath the underneath. :D And as for Kushina knowing about Minarai… I hinted it was a tipoff from Ibiki. And a Kage Summit is likely to transpire after the Jinchuriki pow-wow. Both likely held at Mifune's place. The poor man. XD Thanks for the review!**

 **FictionLover12: Glad you're enjoying it! ^^**

 **reydrago: … See the main Author's Note. Third and fourth paragraphs.**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Thanks!**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Nah, poor Sannin. Having way too much fun with them. :D Well, Sasuke** _ **is**_ **the reincarnation of Indra… so in a way, he's the reincarnation of Madara, too. Who, y'know, was totally a boogeyman of the ninja world. And Itachi is Sasuke's bro, so… :D Well, when someone threatens to take something you fought so hard and long for, you tend to fight back, y'know… Even if they are thirteen to fourteen years old. :D Jinchuriki pow-wow, Kage Summit after that… Mifune's gonna be run ragged. :D**


	14. Addendum 12

**Addendum Twelve: Holiday Shenanigans, Tortured Geniuses, and an Arranged Marriage in a Pear Tree**

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 'Tis the season to be jolly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Don we now our gay apparel! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Troll the ancient Christmas Carol! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…"

Inside the faux-McDonalds, Itachi Uchiha twitched violently. By this point, the higher-ups of his professional firm were gathered in the lobby, and all were wearing high-quality earplugs. Itachi was the last one to put in said earplugs, because he'd dearly hoped that what he was hearing was just some horrible, horrible joke.

But alas, fate was not that kind to the slightly-unbalanced Uchiha.

Turning to who was arguably his best friend, Itachi addressed him in sign language. Kisame, in turn, would respond in kind.

'Are they still here?' Itachi posed the question after waiting ten minutes.

The blue shark-man scowled and delicately lifted one of the blinds to the windows at the front of the building. Outside, a massive group of Christmas Carolers were congregated with 'cute' little books in front of them, with some of them wearing little Santa hats and 'reindeer antlers.'

'Unfortunately, yes…' Came Kisame's succinct response. Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and inwardly counted to ten. Then, Itachi took one last look at Inoichi, Anko, Kakuzu, Hidan's head, Ibiki, and every other employee congregated in the lobby and strutted to the front door. Once there, Itachi took a deep breath, exhaled, and opened the door while simultaneously activating his new Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan.

That's right – Itachi had finally acquired his Foolish younger brother's former eyes from Sharingan storage. He had a devil of a time tracking them down.

Despite the young Uchiha stepping outside, the Christmas Carolers felt intimidated not one bit, and kept right on singing their merry tunes. With one almost-whispered word, that all changed.

"Amaterasu!"

The Christmas Carolers promptly shrieked as their books were _all_ lit alight with black flames. Dropping the books, the people fled the scene with arms flailing and a general sense of hysteria. Itachi was not one to express emotions very often, but this was cause for celebration, so he afforded himself a miniscule smile.

Christmas Carolers were irritating creatures indeed, with their constant state of happiness and going about to people's homes with songs that should not be sung yet, as it was only the _beginning_ of December. Worst of all were the sort that could be bought out to do a hit job. Well, Itachi called them hit jobs; others might suggest he was overreacting, but really, they might as well have been doing a hit job. Christmas Carols grated on Itachi's ears like nails on a chalkboard.

"Foolish Little Brother… You will regret starting something you cannot finish. I shall have you begging for mercy by the time this season is over…"

With one last patented Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan glare at the building across the way, Itachi turned around and stalked back into his office building and put out the Amaterasu flames while he was at it. Wouldn't do for an Anbu patrol to stumble upon what was clearly his work. He'd send out a team to properly dispose of the books later, as there was the little matter of retaliation that needed to be seen to first and foremost…

Hey, Itachi might've loved his little brother, and he might not have had anything personal against the Christmas season, but when you sic Christmas Carolers on Itachi Uchiha in the first week of December you'd best fortify yourself because Itachi will get back at you. It's not a question of if he will, it's a matter of _when_.

And Itachi had all the time in the world now that he didn't have to take frequent trips to Tenzo in regards to his debilitating eyesight.

* * *

Within the hallowed halls of Uncle Moddie's School for Misbehavin' Legends, the bell for first period classes had rung, and the Sannin had been ushered off to their homerooms in their specialized chairs. The three of them were separated, of course, and each of their rooms was so obviously based on their base desires that of course the Sannin were suspicious like hell.

Tsunade was the first to be released from her chair. Though she noticed with chagrin that as compensation she now had a thick steel collar around her neck. She didn't need to ask what it was for, and she didn't need to investigate whether or not she could pry it off. That sucker wasn't coming off anytime soon.

Regardless, Tsunade made her way over to the stocked shelves toward the back of the room. She could just _smell_ the high-grade sake in the air, and Tsunade wanted some of that. Yet when she was in the midst of reaching for a bottle, the collar around her neck emitted an earsplitting beep and delivered a violent electrical shock to her system. Tsunade instantly crumpled to the ground from the sheer pain that shock delivered to her system.

Tsunade twitched at the familiar annoying laugh that wafted through the room. She propped herself up and stared at a screen that was attached to a wall adjacent from the shelves of delectable sake. 'Uncle Moddie's' head was present dead center, and Tsunade had the insatiable urge to knock his block off. _Teasing_ her like this was just inhumane. Sake was life, damn it!

"Now, now, my little bird. I had a feelin' that you'd gravitate to that painful lesson first – Uncle Moddie's One Step Program will cure you of that nasty alcohol obsession toot sweet. If you think I'll take it easy on ya 'cause you're a fifty-somethin' Granny, you're horribly mistaken, love. I won't let you just acquaint yourself with the pain neither. No, every single time you reach for a bottle, the amperage of that nifty li'l collar you got will go up. Tenfold. You'll learn right quick the bottle won't cure all your woes.

Smirking at Tsunade's pale complexion, Moddie continued on.

"But let's move on, eh? You got some paperwork to sign and file on the opposite side of the room. Take a gander." With dawning horror in her eyes, Tsunade turned and stared at the piles of paper on top and around the desk that looked like a perfect replica of the Hokage's desk. Moddie continued his explanation, "Now you might be thinking I'm just taking a mickey out of you, but that's honest-to-Kami paperwork, and it needs doing. Mistress Kushina had a little chat with her hubby's secretaries, y'see, and they agreed to pile their important documents into your lap. So here's the deal: You clean all that up, and you'll be allowed a shot glass of sake. But don't get too comfy, 'cause you'll be right back to work with somethin' else after you've had your little break."

Tsunade was still twitching violently by the end of Moddie's explanation. Yeah… This? This is just not done. Tsunade was gonna bring this place down one way or another and she was gonna _end_ Moddie. Didn't matter if Kushina and Mikoto would do something even more horrible to her when she managed to accomplish that; she _would_ destroy this place, and she _would_ destroy Moddie. It was only a matter of time.

Tsunade briefly wondered for a fraction of a second what would happen if she attempted to simply leave the room, but she quickly banished such thoughts. If escape was possible, Kushina and Mikoto wouldn't bother putting them through this at all. They'd instead be strapped to gurneys while those two played the role of surgeons… This 'school' was decidedly more merciful on the surface, and played more on their minds than anything else.

Still, Tsunade had to wonder how her teammates were coping in this kind of environment… Oro-chan was probably livid, and Jiraiya… Well, Moddie was probably trying to turn him into a prude. Considering how effective the One Step Program seemed to be, Tsunade suspected the AI could manage it somehow…

* * *

Jiraiya had to hand it to 'Uncle Moddie'… He sure knew how to merge Seals and Genjutsu together almost seamlessly. Jiraiya was almost caught off guard when he was brought to this room. It _looked_ like a beach. It _felt_ like a beach. And he even had a gaggle of bikini-clad women playing around in the sand several meters away from him, with a perfect peeping spot close at hand.

But Jiraiya knew not to trust his senses. No. These girls, every single one, were H-Cups at _least_. Their boobies were that big. Muuuch bigger than Tsunade-hime's, and Jiraiya had an unparalleled reverent respect for those Sacred Pillars of Heaven.

So yeah. Teenage girls with bigger boobs than Tsunade-hime? Get outta here.

But still, Jiraiya could not resist. Even though this was all some kind of illusion, it made for perfect Icha Icha material. So with a dribble of drool pouring down from his mouth, Jiraiya scrabbled to the conveniently-placed shrubbery and dove right in… and promptly fell in a makeshift pit that contained piranha at the bottom. _Rabid_ piranha. Rabid piranha that just so happened to have a fetish for his testicles.

Jiraiya had never before emitted such a banshee shriek in his entire life. Of course this caught the attention of the bikini-clad girls who shrieked in response to his most unmanly screaming. Jiraiya managed to pull off a shunshin in his highly panicked state, but the destination of his shunshin was _somehow_ redirected into the gaggle of teenage girls, who promptly gave him his well-deserved beating.

Jiraiya didn't have to wait long before everything just seemed to… reset somehow. Seconds after getting an ass-kicking that somehow rivaled Tsunade-hime's back in the day, Jiraiya was back where he started with the bikini-clad girls none the wiser and the shrubbery back in place.

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at this phenomenon. That was not normal at all. Worst of all, his clothes were still shredded from his encounter with the piranha and the severe beating he received from those hot chicks. The Gallant Jiraiya _despised_ his clothes being in such tatters.

Still, if those bikini-clad girls wanted to play hard to get, Jiraiya would foolishly oblige. There was more than one conveniently-placed peeping spot, and Jiraiya was very determined to locate one that would not end with grievous bodily injury. Jiraiya opted to try the tree that so happened to be placed directly beside the shrubbery.

Jiraiya wasn't sure why, but he ended up stupidly going for a seemingly sturdy tree branch that was placed directly above the shrubbery with the hidden piranha trap beneath. The other branches didn't look as safe, and at least this one seemingly sturdy branch was adequately covered by leaves and branches that were conveniently placed so that Jiraiya could peep on the girls, but the girls would never know he was even there.

Of course the branch snapped under his weight and Jiraiya ended up tumbling back into the piranha-infested pit. Yet again screaming like a banshee. When he attempted to shunshin away from the pit this time, he was once again amidst the enraged-but-very-sexy teenage girls, but this time their attacks were laced with Chakra – both elemental and not. The pain was much worse this time around, and Jiraiya ended up losing his red haori in the midst of that beatdown.

And was it just him, or were these fine specimens of women looking a little more like Tsunade in their facial features? … Whatever.

But yet again the phenomenon happened where Jiraiya was put back at his starting point and everything was seemingly reset. Except his clothes were still badly torn up and he was now missing his red haori. Jiraiya _still_ refused to give up, being the Gutsy Ninja he is, and proceeded to try and find that ideal peeping spot. There _had_ to be one somewhere in all this conveniently-placed crap. He was beginning to get desperate at this point.

This time Jiraiya opted to hide behind the tree and peep from that angle. But alas, his foot snagged onto some kind of rope that promptly pulled him back into the piranha-infested pit. This time there was a seeming change in the piranha, as their eyes appeared to be blazing red with the Sharingan, which really freaked the hell out of Jiraiya. Shunshin. Beatdown by very sexy women that continued to look similar to Tsunade. Reset.

On his fourth try, Moddie shimmered into existence and grinned at Jiraiya's predicament. The man's tomfoolery was more amusing than initial expectations, and he _still_ wasn't getting it at all. Strolling over to an orange-clad blond boy who was sobbing in a corner that Jiraiya had yet to notice because he had yet to take a look behind him, Moddie patted the seemingly suffering child on the shoulder consolingly.

"There, there… Just a few more times, and I'll nudge him in the right direction. By that point he'll be begging for some kinda clue; that's when the piranha get replaced with dragons, and the 'Tsunade's' use him as their little soccer ball. Jolly good fun this is." Moddie grinned madly and had a good chuckle at Jiraiya's expense.

Oh yes. Moddie had never been so thrilled to be the facilitator of the facility. The Sannin were fun to terrorize. All three of 'em.

* * *

Orochimaru had thought he'd been clever when he'd developed the Curse Seal. With a little of his Chakra stored in each Seal, Orochimaru was assured to survive in some shape or form as long as one of his lovely little test subjects remained alive… Sure, that possibly meant multiples of him running around, but Orochimaru didn't have any problems with that. That just meant he'd multitask to the extreme.

He'd thought he'd been so clever. He'd never been so wrong. When Orochimaru got carried off to his designated classroom, it was to see one of his doppelgangers already there seated in a similar chair to his own and staring mesmerized at a Sharingan with its tomoe spinning on the screen. The Orochimaru that was just dragged in thought he'd be sharing the same fate, but apparently 'Uncle Moddie' had other ideas as his chair shifted over to a chemistry lab of sorts with beakers, test tubes, and questionable bubbling and steaming away in those containers.

On a chalkboard across from the still-tied-down Orochimaru, the white chalk seemingly came to life as the face of Moddie was drawn out in detail and the face bizarrely seemed to animate itself when the 'man' began to speak.

"Welcome, my ducky! This is Chemistry 101, and I will be your instructor. In front of you are a variety of chemicals and substances that serve specific functions. Your first task is simple – create a form of medication that can make Might Guy _normal_. Now I know what you're probably thinking; that's a bit much for even someone of your stature to even attempt… Hehe… Well, that's not my problem, my ducky. Mistress Mikoto wants that cure by the end of today. Succeed and you will be given credit for your miracle cure. Fail, and you will end up like the chap behind you… A dribbling buffoon locked in an illusionary world that has absolutely no secrets to unlock. So do your best, my ducky! We're all counting on you."

With one last chuckle, the face on the board swirled in on itself and transformed into a timer. Based on the way it was counting down, Orochimaru had a little over fifteen hours to come up with that 'miracle cure.' The Snake was then released from his chair, finally, and the man made a valiant effort to escape the room, but alas… the door had seemingly decided to disappear on Orochimaru, and from what he could see there were no vents or windows to make use of… not even a crack in the floor. He was well and truly trapped, and the Snake man had no doubt he would end up like, well, himself if he dawdled any further…

But first, time to see what concoctions he could make. If he could manufacture an explosive…

* * *

Enough time had passed for the physical catfighting to come to a merciful end a long time ago. Merciful, because Naruto was pretty sure he was on the precarious edge of pervert-dom, and if Naruto were honest with himself once he began the trek down _that_ road, there was no going back. Pervy Sage would be proud.

That aside, Hinata and Rin had ditched the over-the-top open physical fighting, and had switched gears to 'subtle' jabbing with words and threats over a period of days. Naruto hadn't had a moment for himself for days. It'd even gotten to the point where Ma would come home in the evenings and arrange dinner for all seven of them – Ma, Pa, Kaka-sensei, 'Bito, Rin, Hinata, and Naruto himself.

Kami those nightly meals were awkward, though. Minato would pretend his son wasn't sandwiched between two kunoichi at one corner of the kitchen table, while 'Bito would grumble about taking up the hat and simultaneously send him the stink-eye for having Rin wrapped around his arm, and Ma would 'subtly' encourage the little not-so-secret war going on between Hinata and Rin, sometimes breaking up the dinner to leave the three of them alone.

Kaka-sensei still refused to come out of his room even on pain of Kushina-style torture. But they wouldn't let him starve, either, because that would be giving him the 'easy way' out of whatever trauma Kaka-sensei had been through. Kushina was increasingly getting these strange gleams in her eye as she contemplated Kakashi's inevitable torture.

And then it all went to hell the day the 'm' word was uttered. By Hinata-chan.

"Naruto-kun, w-will you m-marry, me?" Hinata-chan asked with doe eyes and the batting of her eyelashes.

Naruto sweatdropped at the proposal, particularly the way it was delivered… Hinata-chan must've really been getting desperate.

"Uh… Um… Hinata-chan, don't you think we're a bit young for that? We're not even in our twenties yet, y'know."

"No."

Naruto felt a bit panicky in the face of Hinata-chan's fierce determination. Apparently you can never be too young to tie the knot. At this point in his life, the last thing Naruto wanted to do was get married. He wanted to _experience_ life more before settling down. He wanted to at least become Hokage…

And then like a vulture in the guise of an angel, Rin swooped in… Well, figuratively speaking anyway. They were having another of those awkward dinners where each girl was wrapped around one arm each.

"Naruto-kun needs a little more time before such commitment, Hinata…" Naruto didn't have to ask himself why Rin's smile looked particularly twitchy. "And besides, even if he was ready for that, it certainly wouldn't be to _you_ …"

Naruto paled as Hinata-chan tightened her grip on his right arm like a vice. Oh dear kami, not again.

"B-Better a Princess th-than a s-skank…"

Rin's arms tightened around Naruto's left arm, and Naruto began wondering what he had done in a previous life to deserve this. Whoever he'd killed, even if he enjoyed it, it certainly hadn't been worth it.

"Naruto-kun doesn't need all the political crap that will come with marrying into your family, hon… Sometimes a simple nest of twigs is more homely than one of pearls."

"But Naruto-kun is a hero, who deserves only the _best_ …"

"Naruto-kun has struggled most of his life to get the things he wants… He doesn't need to be treated like royalty after all that hardship. It would insult his life's struggle up until this point."

"O-Oh, wh-what do y-you know, bitch? You weren't even here wh-when N-Naruto-kun was s-struggling…"

"At least I have the _courage_ to approach him about my feelings. _You_ took years to do it."

"A-And our f-f-friendship b-blossomed in those y-years…"

"He doesn't even see you as a true girlfriend!"

"T-Take that back, bitch! T-True love conquers all!"

Naruto had lost all feeling in his arms a long time ago. He was too focused on that to pay attention to all of their back-and-forth banter. Normally, Naruto would try and mediate between the two so that they all stayed friends despite the heated words… But Naruto was too scared shitless to try and break this one up. He had a feeling that if he tried to break up this one he'd lose one of his arms. At least.

"Girls, girls… There's no need to fight. I already had Obito-kun draw up the contract." Naruto paled a considerably lighter shade of white. He didn't want to lose his left arm! He loved it too damn much! "… You'll both be marrying my baby when he's twenty four."

Naruto choked on his saliva at that revelation. That whole thing about marrying at a young age being the absolute last thing he needed? Yeah… Naruto takes that back. He takes it aaall back.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **I really liked this chapter. It came out so nicely. Mito-chan wanted another appearance, but I firmly kept the Naruto scene on the Hina-Naru-Rin shtick. And I both sped up and slowed it down at the same time. I love it. XD Inevitable arranged marriage, but it won't happen anytime soon. Give it five years.** _ **Then**_ **he's screwed.**

 **And I think you all know the reason for that…**

 **That aside, I'm honored with all the new favs and alerts. And the reviews. This is quickly shaping up to be as popular as TToNU… And I only meant it as a little side project. Curses. XD Oh well. It's all in good fun.**

 **Next time I might actually get around to the Jinchuriki pow-wow… or any of the other international stuff. I got a ton of potential material to choose from. :P**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: I get reminded enough of that little event in fanfics… So I thought I'd return the favor. XD Glad it's still enjoyable so far. ^^**

 **ultima-owner: Yes, yes he will… And yes he is. :D**

 **covertpartyhat: Thanks for the review!**

 **AJGuardian: Hope the chuckles keep on coming… Wanna alleviate any stress and troubles as much as possible. ^^**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Thanks for the review!**

 **Simgr101: My man 'Bito has been getting traumatized and forced into a position he no longer wants because of the current political climate… I wanted to cut him** _ **some**_ **slack. XD But he'll probably get some more material in upcoming events…**

 **Guest (Drake Darkduke): … Your review** _ **really**_ **made my day, ducky. Really, really made my day. XD Sorry for the wait. The next update's gonna be a bit of a wait, too, but it'll come before the year's wrapped up…**

 **Fictionlover12: Oh, good. Then you know the theme I've designated for 'That was Anticlimactic.' I really loved that chase scene music. XD What can I say? I really love 'Ninja Burger Chronicles' by Kaori; that really inspired the fast food angle of deception. I won't do too much more with it, though, 'cause I respect that fic and author enough. I swear you or Simgr101 wanted Obito as Hokage… Meh. Sorry if that displeases you. But at least 'Bito is getting out of teaching kiddies at the Academy. :D**


	15. Addendum 13

**Addendum Thirteen: Prelude to Jinchuriki Pow-Wow Part One**

 _\- A few days later… -_

Mei Terumi massaged her temples as her loyal shinobi finished giving his report. Turns out when it does rain, it _pours_. That little headache with the Hidden Stone Explosion Corps conducting raids or whatever in the Land of Water's countryside? Yeah. That had nothing on this. And those little bastards were devastating their land, for Kami's sake.

But no. Nooo. Her predecessor had to go and cause shenanigans of his own. Someone who should have been loyal to her, maybe even offer up _advice_ , as a more experienced Mizukage. Well, okay, that was debatable, considering Obito Uchiha had been controlling the Fourth for Kami-knows-how-long.

Maybe that should've been a sign, a sign to keep a tighter leash on the man with Peter Pan Syndrome… Well, maybe he didn't have the _mind_ of a child… but he still looked like a little brat. And he was certainly acting like a little brat now.

"And we were doing so well…" Mei moaned. "The Six-Tails came back to us and hopped right back into Utakata… Now… Now our Esteemed Fourth Mizukage has absconded with him and headed to the Land of Iron. For a 'Jinchuriki Pow-wow'… What the hell is this world coming to?"

Gengetsu grinned at her from across her desk.

"Aw, c'mon. Look on the bright side: At least they weren't kidnapped by a bunch of freaks bent on world domination."

"Because running off on their own is _so_ much better." Mei groused, visible eye twitching. "We need to stay calm until the Kage Summit… whenever that will happen. Having our one and only Jinchuriki run off _does not help_ , Gengetsu."

Gengetsu looked nonplussed by Mei's grumpy demeanor.

"Well, this'll certainly help things along, I think. If you're upset about Utakata running off like that, just think of the Raikage. The Kazekage was invited to the pow-wow, so he'll already be there… and the Hidden Leaf's next-in-line will be there, too. If you decide to pursue them, that will be four of the five Kage in one place; I'm not really sure if that old mummy will chase after his former Jinchuriki, but I never really liked the guy anyway. Let him wallow in ignorance a little longer. This is probably all centered around the Hidden Leaf, anyway."

Mei tapped one of her finely tipped nails on the desk as she considered Gengetsu's points. After a while, she gave a final tap and looked up at her technically older predecessor.

"You really think Naruto Uzumaki will be the next Hokage? Don't get me wrong, he's a nice boy, not to mention a _hero_ , but… I saw him in action during the Fourth War. Well, his Clone. But my point stands: When he made to boorishly attack Black Zetsu, all the creature had to do was sidestep him. He's really the type to just attack head-on more than anything else. As near as I can tell, the boy has no tact; not exactly _leadership_ material."

Gengetsu shrugged off her concerns nonchalantly.

"I saw him, too – not while in action, mind you, but I did get a bit of a glimpse of his character. He's definitely headstrong, but he's got charisma in spades, just like me. And he gets along swimmingly with the Kazekage brat, so that's at least one alliance neatly in his pocket. I'm certain he'll be groomed into a fine Hokage… Who knows? Maybe I'll even bestow some of my infinite wisdom on him from one Kage to another. He seems like a fun guy!"

Mei sweatdropped at this. She'd long since gotten over Gengetsu's roguishly good looks upon first meeting her predecessor. Sure, the guy might have _looked_ like eye candy, and he might have been very charismatic indeed… perfect husband-material to boot… But this was the exact same guy who wanted to enlist the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist's (or Five, since Kisame and Zabuza were unaccounted for) services for the sole purpose of pranking the hell out of the Second Tsuchikage, starting with painting his 'mummy bandages' neon pink. _And_ the same guy who thought it was a stellar idea to make everything public so that even the most minor nation knew of what they did, plan to do, and so on… _everything_ … _**And**_ the same guy who wanted to open up a new Alliance with the recently brought back Uzumaki Clan.

So, y'know, the initial attractiveness kinda just wore off. Although apparently, Gengetsu was still very much interested in _her_ … superficially, anyway. What straight man wasn't? Mei just didn't care anymore because Gengetsu Hozuki was certifiably insane. No better than one of those Uchiha bastards.

… Well, okay. Maybe he wasn't _as bad_ as one of those bastards… Uchiha took the cake. And the silverware. And the table. **And the whole damn house**. But he was still pretty crazy for wanting to open up an alliance with the Uzumaki of all people. Mei wasn't old enough to remember them, but the Hidden Mist had its horror stories, which didn't seem to hold much international sway, because those stories have been around just as long as the Hidden Leaf-Hidden Whirlpool Alliance and nothing had changed even after the Uzumaki were gone.

"Lady Mizukage! Mangetsu Hozuki has united with his fellow Swordsmen and are off to the Hidden Leaf to check up on Mangetsu's little brother!"

This broke Mei out of her ruminations. Gengetsu had to wince when her fist cracked her flawless desk without even trying.

"Even Chojuro?" Mei eye-smiled and asked in a saccharine tone. The messenger who had just barged into the office sweat profusely and wildly shook his head.

"No, ma'am! Mangetsu gave him a wedgie and hung him up on a flagpole! And he took Chojuro's Blade, too!"

"And no one thought to stop him?" Mei brought a hand up to her face and grumbled under her breath when the messenger looked at her as if she sprouted a second head. _Of course_ the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist were still revered. It's too bad Chojuro was never really acknowledged as one; any recognition he garnered during the Fourth War evaporated when the previous generation returned. "… Alright. Have you at least… Where the hell did Gengetsu go?"

At this point Mei was done trying to be formal with her predecessor. The disrespect was mutual now.

"Uh… He slipped out the window after I mentioned one of his clansmen. Said something about a family reunion in the Hidden Leaf."

Mei couldn't help it anymore. She slammed her head down on her desk and unleashed a muffled scream.

* * *

Mu stared blankly at Kurotsuchi. Kurotsuchi was glaring twitchily at the Second Tsuchikage, twirling a kunai in a menacing manner.

"Lord Tsuchikage… the _Jinchuriki_ are _missing_. Roshi and Han just up and ditched us. _Again_. Now is _hardly_ the time for this."

"I don't give a rat's ass about the Jinchuriki," Mu bluntly repeated himself. "Onoki was selfish enough to hand the reins back to me, I'm gonna be doing things _my_ way. I don't care if it was a great honor for the Four- and Five-Tails to return to us and to their former hosts. Everyone else is going to be focused on that, so now is the perfect time to make a political move. Seeing as how Kushina Uzumaki is forcing her son into an open-ended arranged marriage contract… That means it's still possible for other wives to be entered into the contract. Which means the Hidden Stone might get a bigger slice of the Five Nations' pie if we arrange a marriage between you, the Third Tsuchikage's granddaughter, and Naruto Uzumaki, supposed hero of the Fourth Great War and the Nine-Tails' Jinchuriki. It's perfect."

How Mu ever found out about that arranged marriage so fast will forever remain a mystery. … Then again, as they say, rumor travels faster than light. And if you have a Clone planted in the Leaf Village who absconded with a copy of the very contract in question…

Kurotsuchi's teeth grinded together. Menacingly.

" _Yeah_ … Except the part where I become a _concubine_ … Uzumaki's not a bad guy, but I don't like him in _that_ way, dumbass!"

Mu held up his hands placatingly.

"No, no, a _wife_. You'd have the same status as the other woman in the relationship, if not greater than any other women who join in later. Because you were there third."

"Is the contract even open-ended? 'Cause I swear that contract was only between Uzumaki and those two women." Kurotsuchi imperiously sniffed and turned her nose up at the further discussion of this topic. Which she would _not_ be doing, thank you very much.

"Of course it's open-ended. It's the standard polygamous arranged marriage contract that's been around since _my_ days as a youth. I checked the document myself," Mu tried to placate the livid woman once again. When she still haughtily refused to meet his eyes, he then pulled out a scroll from a drawer in his desk. "I'm afraid you can't refuse. I already hashed out a deal with the she-devil… er… I mean illustrious divine angel in human form… and you're factored into contract as of today. To cement this fact, I've assigned it as a permanent S-Rank mission. Congratulations, Mrs. Uzumaki #3."

Kurotsuchi uncharacteristically squawked and backed away from the Tsuchikage's desk.

"Fuck this! I'm going rogue!"

Mu raised a delicate eyebrow curiously.

"Do you really think you could escape _me_? I'm more agile than Onoki, y'know."

… Well, that started an epic wordless staring contest. Neither one particularly wanting to budge in the least, and somehow they managed to get their points across through their stares alone.

"…" _'You can't make me. I have rights.'_

"…" _'Oh, but I can. I am your Tsuchikage. You will obey me.'_

"…" _'I don't have to go rogue here; I could run away the second I set foot outside the village.'_

"…" _'You think I haven't taken that into consideration? Only an idiot assigns an unfavorable mission and doesn't account for the worst-case scenario. Fear me. I am Null Man Mu. I've crushed many a Stone-nin's hopes and dreams.'_

"…" _'I'll kill Uzumaki. Don't test me.'_

"…" _'That would be breach of contract – which is bad for_ you _, not me. Consider that you will be sharing him with other wives. Consider what murdering Kushina Uzumaki's one and only son will mean for your 'future'.'_

"…" _'Well, I… I… I… I_ will _make you pay. Somehow. Just you wait.'_

"…" _'I look forward to it, Mrs. Uzumaki #3.'_

"…" _'Bastard.'_ "… _**Fine**_." The word sizzled off of Kurotsuchi's lips as she swiped the scroll from the mummy man's hand. She couldn't see it, but she could tell the bastard was smiling primly behind his bandages.

"Now. Onto specifics." Mu continued on in a business-like tone, all while innocently twiddling his thumbs. "Nothing in the contract particularly forces you to make children with your husband, but as part of my concessions to the divine mistress, I have promised that you will at least bear Naruto one child. Possibly several, if the divine mistress doesn't feel you're giving this 'mission' your all."

… Is it possible for Kurotsuchi's expression to get stormier? Well, it just did.

"You. Did. _What_?!"

"Of course this means you can't have relationships outside the marriage. Not even pure physical ones. Not flings, not one-night stands. I warn you not to test the divine mistress; I do not know her personally, but she is purportedly good with Seals. You will probably have to go in for regular checks to see if you have been… active… with others." Mu coughed awkwardly as a horrified expression dawned on Kurotsuchi's face. "Your body and soul will belong to Naruto Uzumaki. In turn, his body and soul will be yours. … I hear he is quite skilled at the Shadow Clone Jutsu, if you are interested in how he will probably be making a full-blown commitment with the three of you. Relationships require commitment from both sides, after all."

"Kami. Why does Uzumaki need 'wives' anyway? The Uzumaki came back, damn it! Our spies have relayed that much to us!"

Mu tapped his thumbs together as he considered her query.

"… My guess is grandbabies. Uzumaki purportedly sounded just as horrified when he found out about the arranged marriage, so I assume this is done to appease a young adult mother who died prematurely and was brought back only to find her 'baby boy' has caught up to her in years, and that as a result she has missed out on much of his life and intends to make up for that through his children… Which she wants as soon as possible, as she wants to 'spoil them rotten'. And the divine mistress wants looots of grandbabies; she likes the concept."

"Why the hell are you calling her a 'divine mistress' anyway? The way you describe her, she does sound like a she-devil." Kurotsuchi grumbled.

"Ah, that would be because my Clone caught her at a bad time, and she, ah… Um… Well, she smacked me to the ground and stomped on my balls. Had to be the most painful Rock Clone experience ever…"

Mu glared at Kurotsuchi as she promptly rolled and the ground and would not stop laughing. Yes, yes, let's all point and laugh at the man who is in control of the fate of your life. Well! Joke's on her. At least his suffering was physical and mercifully short. Hers would be psychological in nature and ''til death do us part'.

Unfortunately for Mu, he was not the only wily village leader who saw the marriage to Naruto Uzumaki as an opportunity for a power grab…

Poor Naruto.

* * *

Shibuki grinned triumphantly as his Clone dispelled with his recent meeting with Kushina Uzumaki. Now all he had to do was fill out some annoying forms, and Fu would be betrothed to Naruto Uzumaki. Run off to some 'Jinchuriki Pow-Wow', would she? _Well_. This would show her.

* * *

Mikoto blew a strand of hair out of her face in boredom as she observed the suffering of the Sannin from a security office in whatever building or institution they were in. It was the night shift because that was what Mikoto opted to take when she set up this institution with Kushina; Kushina would be here for half the day – taking the mid-morning to early night (9am to 9pm), and Mikoto would take the other half (9pm to 9am). That was the agreement, and Mikoto didn't regret it one bit.

But watching these bozos fumble around was getting tedious, and she needed something new to entertain herself. As the 'dainty' and crafty young woman brainstormed, her mind strayed to Kushina's son current predicament with the whole Clan Restoration Act thing. She could sympathize with both Kushina and Naruto, really; marriage was tough, and the boy would have his hands full – but on the other hand, Kushina deserved to be able to spoil some grandbabies rotten after missing much of her son's life.

And then it occurred to Mikoto. Wasn't she in a similar boat? Sure, she'd only missed about a decade of Sasuke's life, but her precious baby boy was a young man now. Never mind Itachi, no – Itachi was just getting in tune with his Uchiha side; why should she drive him mad with multiple wives?

But Sasuke. _Sasuke_ she could work with. Apparently the boy had lived as any Uchiha would after their whole clan was massacred – unless you were Itachi… or Obito before Madara got his hands on him. As a result of his obsession with revenge, Sasuke had become asexual, to be honest. Mikoto would not have that. She never got to give her precious Sasuke the Birds and Bees Talk. Or discourage fangirl advances because she 'knew how girls, particularly kunoichi, could be at that age'.

No, Mikoto never got to experience any of that, and it wasn't _fair_. So why shouldn't she reward her baby boy for living like a true Uchiha, unlike his brother? Yes. Her baby would achieve the Perfect Harem Ending and totally outdo his Uzumaki rival.

… And Mikoto might get some satisfaction out of it, too; something else to compete in Kushina with. Now who to select for Sasuke-kun's brides-to-be…

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Ahahaha. This was fun. It doesn't really hint at the Jinchuriki Pow-Wow too much yet, but Prelude Part Two should fix that whenever I get around to it. Next time we see what's going on in the Hidden Cloud and in the Hidden Sand. And then the Land of Iron, as the former and current Jinchuriki come together.**

 **I have an idea, and it should be glorious. :D**

 **One last thing: The arranged marriage thing. I was totally just gonna keep it between Naruto, Rin, and Hinata, but there was potential humor beyond just the three of them. And it just so happened to intertwine with my "plans" for Sasuke (really, you all** _ **know**_ **how "planned" this story is).**

 **Get the scoreboards ready, 'cause this might get out of hand… and might involve a ton of physical violence as a result of a horde of angry kunoichi… I do not seriously believe in objectifying women; this is for giggles, and if you came here for the pairings… I am so, so sorry… But I do not think there will be any 'serious' romance except between already-existing couples (like Kushina and Minato; debating on Naruto and Hinata, but kinda leaning toward the more comedic effects of a harem…). There will not be smut. Serious romantic moments will be broken up and thrashed from side to side like a husky tearing into a squeaky toy.**

' **Cause this is a crackfic, and it's aaall about the giggles. :D**

 **On a more serious note, though, thanks for hanging in there with me, duckies. Fall semester's over, and I can write again… until January 11 or so. Allowing time for breaking in an Xbox One and Batman: Arkham Knight ('cause I've wanted to play it sooo bad…). I** _ **do**_ **have about a third of the next chapter written for TToNU for those of you interested. Guess what I'll be working on tomorrow, since I'm free all day? I just wrote this out tonight 'cause I wanted something silly before I delved back into the serious writing. Hope you all enjoyed!**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Darkconvoy99: Weeell… Your review kinda inspired me to add onto the Clan Restoration Act thing. Darn you. :P Still, I don't think Yugito will be a part of the 'harem'. She's around Kakashi's age, in case you weren't aware. A little younger now that she's been dead for a few years, but not too much.**

 **Simgr101: Glad you're enjoying it!**

 **AJGuardian: Good! :D**

 **The Supreme Kitsune Sage: If it's any consolation, I vote for the painful ending, too. This crackfic really fights the serious as much as it can; it's a fighter. :D Glad you're enjoying it!**

 **Luckyreader2000: It will come! Probably sooner rather than later now that I've hinted at it. And I even threw in the Second Mizukage, who is also related to them. ^^**

 **ultima-owner: Thanks!**

 **Jimmythereptile: Glad ya liked it! :)**

 **mmaallek: Haven't really thought about Obito's feelings about it all – beyond the gloomy cloud hanging over him because of the blond taking Rin away from him. XD But yeah. I might go that route.**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: … You do realize they were christened the Sannin because they** _ **survived**_ **the battle with Hanzo (aka didn't** _ **win**_ **it)? Yeah, they're strong, and could probably handle a lot of stuff. … But I haven't revealed my latest plans for Kushina. Ohhh everybody's gonna flip over it (the characters, I mean… maybe some readers, too). XD Poor, poor Naruto…**

 **FictionLover12: I intend to reenact that chase scene (maybe with some slight alterations). As for Obito, I'm totally for ObiRin.** _ **However**_ **, in here, Obito is old enough to be Rin's dad now – y'know, if he'd been a teenage parent. As much as I support the pairing, I kinda find the age gap between them disturbing… Naruto's like five or six years older than her, but that's more reasonable. … And honestly, my opinion of her and Konohamaru kinda came out when Rin made that remark about her and the Third Hokage's grandson. She does not like being left behind in age and experience, and she will take what she can get… 'Cause, y'know, she's a kunoichi. XD I'll probably find a way to repay 'Bito for all the torture. Don't worry 'bout all the crap life's throwing at him; 'Bito will fight back. He's Obito Uchiha. Predecessor Naruto Uzumaki. :D**

 **Kris Awesomeness: Hope you're enjoying it!**


	16. Christmas Special: Sharingananigans

**Christmas Special: Sharingananigans**

Sasuke twitched violently as he lay in the flooded lobby of his place of business. But it wasn't flooded in the traditional sense – y'know, with water or some other liquid. No. It was flooded with nutcrackers, bottles of sake, Christmas cards, and candy canes. Amongst other… less _innocent_ gifts. Like lingerie. Sasuke shuddered at all the lingerie lying around.

And he couldn't do anything about it, because there was that much _stuff_ lying around. Stuff that impeded movement of any kind.

"Who the _fuck_ let the Delivery-nin in here? I thought I told you idiots not to let anyone in!" Sasuke snarled. He cast a Sharingan glare around the room, making his employees all feel uncomfortable. At last his livid gaze rested upon Suigetsu, who didn't even _pretend_ to look offended at being scrutinized. "This is _your_ doing, isn't it?"

"Well… Um… Yes?" Suigetsu waved Sasuke off dismissively even as his Sharingan whirled to form his Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. "Hey, in my defense, the guy was under a Transformation. A… Sexy… Transformation…"

Suigetsu drooled a little at the memory, but promptly liquefied his body when Sasuke spat a Fireball his way. Karin rolled her eyes at their antics and asked the obvious question that was on many of their minds.

"Why did you even receive all these gifts at once? I thought your fangirl fanbase evaporated when you went rogue."

"This is Itachi's doing," Sasuke spat like it was the vilest word in existence. Which was weird considering that Sasuke loved his brother, but… "This is payback for the Carolers. Petty revenge, the fool. This is nothing. If he can hypnotize my old fangirls into sending me shit, just wait until I hypnotize _his_ old fanbase. Even after he made my childhood all tragic and emo, my fanbase paled in comparison to what was once his. It's his hair. His pretty, silky, _luscious_ hair. Feh. Thinks his hair's so great…"

"Uh… Sasuke… I don't think your brother is responsible for this."

Sasuke whipped his head around to face Jugo. The ginger-haired young man who thankfully hadn't gone berserk in all this chaos.

"Don't let his bishonen good looks fool you, Jugo! He just wants you to think he is innocent! … But I know he isn't… I _know_ …"

Jugo held up a card and waved it around a little.

"No! Your mother mailed you a card that explains what all this is. Apparently you're going to get married."

Sasuke balked at the revelation.

"Married? To _who_?"

"To all these fangirls, apparently." Jugo shrugged his shoulders. "She pulled the Clan Restoration Act on you. I'm not sure why or how, considering your clan isn't extinct anymore, but…"

Sasuke shook his head vigorously.

"No. No, Mother would not do that to me. I am Mother's **Favorite**. The Sharingan can copy a person's handwriting style; this is most _definitely_ Itachi's doing. Itachi traumatized me once with the Clan Massacre – that's a pattern. He's just trying to traumatize me again… Silly Itachi… Stupid Itachi… I will not fall your trickery…"

Sai looked thoughtful as he tilted his head to the side.

"True. Who would want to marry someone with a limp dick like you, Duck Butt?"

But Sasuke didn't hear him – he was too caught up in his unintelligible mutterings about how Itachi was behind this fiasco and how he would be getting him back for this, oh yes he would… Ino shook her head at the pitiful display. And to think she had _liked_ the Uchiha up until a few years ago.

But now she knew the truth. Sasuke was stark-raving mad, and she was better off with someone else. Thank Kami she was able to turn Mrs. Uchiha down when she came calling to see if she was interested in marrying Sasuke, amongst several other women.

Ino did not want her children to be revenge-obsessed or big-time conspiracy theorists.

"Sasuke, I think your mother really is behind this," Ino insisted. "She's already got at least ten women lined up to marry you, and they were all a part of the Sasuke Uchiha Fan Club back in our Academy days. Not all of them made it out of the Academy, but they still have shrines in their closet dedicated to you. Your mom told me aaall about them. She even asked _me_ to marry you, and I refused."

Karin squawked at that last one.

" _You_ turned down the opportunity to marry this fine hunk of meat?! How could you?!"

Ino rolled her eyes.

"Karin, honey, I got over Sasuke a looong time ago. There's more to a relationship than just _looks_. If you base a relationship on that, it's gonna fall apart real fast. Even when I _was_ into him, he never gave me the time of day; he went rogue just so he could 'gain power' to defeat his brother. And when he finally achieved it, what does he do? He turns his revenge obsession elsewhere – specifically _on our village_. It took Naruto's Therapy Jutsu to get him to be loyal again, but that didn't cure him of his insanity. Do you not hear what he's muttering about _right now_? He's trying to rationalize how Itachi is behind all of this, when _clearly_ it's just a case that his mother wants grandbabies. Lots and lots of grandbabies. So yeah, I turned Mrs. Uchiha down."

Sasuke scoffed at Ino's assertions. She was _blind_. They all were, to think that _his mother_ was behind all of this!

"No. Itachi must have cast a Genjutsu on you, or was simply under a Transformation to _look_ like Mother! He is incredibly crafty like a weasel… but _do not let him fool you_! He _wants_ you to drop your guard. He lures you into a false sense of security, and then _wham_ , he's got you!"

"Dude," Suigetsu muttered. "You've got it _bad_. You think Itachi's behind global warming."

"Amaterasu tends to have that sort of effect." Sasuke sniffed imperiously.

"You think he wants to initiate an epic 'Forehead Poke' between your Susano'o and his." Ino deadpanned.

"I won't let him! Ever!"

"Some days you think he casts a Tsukuyomi on you to make you think he has a bigger dick," Sai reasoned.

"That is a boldfaced lie! … Although now that you mention it…"

"You think Itachi is the reason the refrigerator light turns on and off," Jugo spoke up lightly – while he did respect Sasuke greatly, no one was _perfect_ …

"And someday I'll catch him!"

"Oi! Lay off! Sasuke-kun might have some eccentricities, but he _was_ traumatized by Itachi at a young age!" Karin defended the man of her dreams. So the guy might theorize that Itachi is the reason they're a bit strapped for cash in their clinic right now… (Which might not be totally unfounded; it's not like they had a professional treasurer like Itachi had Kakuzu…) And he might have Chidoried her to get to Danzo… That was no reason to _tease_ the poor tortured soul.

Sasuke-kun was so dreamy. And tragic. And emo.

Sasuke nodded stiffly at Karin. At least _someone_ was getting it. Yes. Of course he was right. Sasuke was _**always right**_ **.**

"Okay then. Now that we're all agreed this is Itachi's fault, we're going to get him back _tenfold_. Karin, I need you to go out and get as much pink glitter as you can get your grubby little hands on. Suigetsu, fetch liberal amounts of paint, preferably in bright, neon colors. Jugo, I'm going to need you to cut loose for a bit – _in Itachi's establishment_! Sai, Ino, go and get as much wrapping paper and big boxes as you can retrieve."

"What are you going to do?" Ino asked sarcastically. Sasuke stared at her as if she was a stupid blonde – which, to him, she was.

"I will be on Coal Collecting duty, of course. We need _plenty_ of it." He began to cackle maniacally as he imagined the look on Itachi's face when he saw he was getting nothing but coal for Christmas. Yes. It would be _glorious_.

"And _how_ do you propose we get out of all this shit, genius?" Suigetsu drawled, nodding to all the gifts lying around them.

Sasuke sighed at the inane question. Idiots. He was surrounded by idiots.

"Amaterasu!" And then they were all in a sea of roaring black flames.

… Needless to say, Sasuke's plan to torch everything with Amaterasu did _not_ go over well with his coworkers. Ino made sure to make her displeasure known via Mind Transfer Jutsu, turning off the dangerous black flames, and having Sasuke repeatedly punch himself. The others soon joined in beating the Uchiha by throwing various objects at him – even Karin, who did not like Sasuke endangering her life… _again_ …

* * *

Meanwhile, Itachi sat in his office sipping tea, watching all of this unfold in Sasuke's lobby from a hidden camera on the ceiling. Sometimes revenge was best served through the act of delegation. Of course he knew all about his mother and Lady Kushina's program to 'rehabilitate' the Sannin – he was even aware that they were based in Root's old stomping grounds below the village, just… significantly, disturbingly refurbished.

Basically, he sent a Shadow Clone to impress an idea upon his Mother: 'Make Sasuke Happy through the Clan Restoration Act.' Didn't matter that their clan was brought back; the true purpose was entertainment anyway. His Foolish Little Brother had become asexual, but in a matter of years that would hopefully change.

His Mother had never even suspected that 'strand of hair' in front of her face had been his Shadow Clone under a clever Transformation Jutsu. Genjutsu was toootally his forte; she never suspected a thing.

Much to Itachi's delight, his coworkers approved of his devious plan, and were watching the show unfold with him. Yes, it was good to be Itachi Uchiha, Head Therapist of Itachi Uchiha's Get-Better Therapy Clinic.

* * *

Mikoto Uchiha could not contain her wily smirk no longer as she watched the three screens in front of her. She was getting to torture the Sannin, set her youngest son up with wives, _and_ trick her eldest son into thinking he had pulled one over on her. When in actuality, _she_ had placed a subtle Genjutsu on _him_ to impress an idea on _her_ to put the Clan Restoration Act to use.

What can she say? Mikoto was bored, bored, bored, and her sons' rivalry was amusing nowadays. The icing on the cake was that Itachi would get the blame for this fiasco; little Sasuke-kun's conspiracy theories were just so _adorable_! And his faith in her, while it might have been _slightly_ misplaced, truly made Sasuke her undeniable **Favorite**. His naivety was just so _cute_! He got that aaall from Fugaku, such a sweet, innocent child…

Now on the topic of Fugaku…

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Not as long as I wanted it to be, but I wanted a little something to get out on Christmas (Eve). I actually wanted this in the last chapter, but I've been so focused on the Leaf, so I opted not to include it there. But… Here it is, so I hope you enjoyed.**

 **I actually had a little scene for 'Bito, too, but… That's not so much 'Sharingananigans' in his case. And I wanna do him justice since I've been torturing him so.**

 **No Review Replies this time, that'll come in the next addendum. As labeled, this is a Christmas Special, so it kinda breaks up the chapter count even more. But I do appreciate all of my duckies, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! ^^**


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